My daughter and my SO..Your advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
My daughter and my SO..Your advice?
48
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 5:43pm


What a great board this is, and gireat discussions. I have been following along and enjoying this place very much.

Now I have a question and I'm looking for some of your opinions. I am 38 and my DD is 10 years old. She is the light of my life and I have her with me about 75 percent of the time. My ex (her dad) is very much involved and they have a really good relationship.
The guy I have now been dating Blue Eyes is 52 and has been without young kids in the house for many years.
It is only natural, that she dreams and wishes that I would date no one ever again, (at least it is natural right now for her to feel that way. It's been less than a year since my divorce.)
I have been dating Blue eyes for 10 months. We knew each other long before we started dating, when I was still married. But my DD has only been introduced to him recently, in a slow fashion. I love Blue Eyes, and he feels the same. He wants to move forward, but DD is resistant to most any ideas about getting together for outings with him. She wants me to spend my time with her alone, and most of the time when she is with me it is just her and I.
I do not want to stall my relationship, but DD will always be my number one priority. Is that wrong? In the future maybe things will even out and a strong relationship with a SO will take equal priority, because that would make for a strong family. But now I need to make sure DD knows she is safe, cared for and my prioroty above all.
When does that caring and consideration of the children turn into being manipulated...for example, if they play the "I don't like you dating" card in the begining that's totally understandable but when do you think it's right to move forward even if it is not their desire, even if they are hurt? What if it took 5 years for your DD or DS to "be OK" with you dating...would you wait that long?
And because Blue Eyes is older than me, he has already raised his kids, and I feel he has forgotten the dynamics that mother/daughters go through together. Saturday night I had to pick up DD early and so we had to cut our time short that we were spending with his friends and family. He has been a bit upset lately, maybe due to the awareness of how his dating someone with a 10 year old is going to affect his lifestyle in the long run.
I can not appologize for putting my DD number one in my life nor would I want to. But at the same time Blue Eyes is a wonderful man, I don't want to lose our relationship.
It's a balancing act that I am perhaps not so good at yet.
I wonder what your experiences are here, any advice?
How do you deal with dating someone without kids (or kids long gone) when they are not on the same page all the time, regarding your kids?

Thanks for reading this...it's a bit long but I appreciate your reading this far.

~Pacific~
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 10:05am
I have two DD's one 6 and one 14. I have been single for 6 years now and my dating men has been customary for my children. However, when I say that, I mean: Mommy is going out with a friend. I have my children 24/7 so if the date turns into a relationship, I don't have the every other weekend luxury of hiding my relationship from my children. And after a month or two (depending how often I have seen the guy in a week) I will introduce my children to the person as a "friend". Alot of people are against that. However, it is VERY important to me, to see how they interract with my children. I have ditched men very quickly that act as if they are invisible or show impatience. It's sort of an early test. I don't want to invest a lot of time with someone at first only to realize he doesn't do well with my children or vice versa. So it's always a VERY friend setting for an additonal few months. Usually group activities with others. I have been caught holding a hand or giving a hug, after a month or so, but it's a friendship. They see me hug my girlfriends and kiss them on the cheek. I do agree if the relationship doesn't work out, my youngest wants to know why. She'll ask why we aren't friends anymore. I down play it to him being very busy in his job or that I am. Sometimes the fact that he moved, or that I didn't want to move or that he likes green beans. Nina never understood anyone that likes green beans and is quick to judge a person who does. :) However, after this summer she is much older and wiser, so I have to be much more careful. Alex has been harsh to just say, he wasn't nice to mommy and I have to make sure Alex is a little bit more careful. I am not saying how I do it is perfect, but sometimes it is very difficult to juggle the whole relationship aspect when you have your children 24/7 and no budget for babysitters. I go to school full time, have a very busy full time job, activities with the childrens sports and their schools, so the little time I do have with my relationship, I sometimes have to spend it together with all of them. But I never force anything, nor do my children EVER see me take anyone home.
I am learning to try to do things much differently by some of the mistakes I have made.
I am in the continous learning process of right and wrong. My father had women come out of our lives left right and center; married several times. My mother had friends over, but they never ever stayed and like me, she had to take care of me 24/7 so if she wanted sex in the blue moon, she would leave me at home to go out with her boyfriend. I didn't like being alone and she usually had us all do something in a friendship setting, but she never ever brought anyone home. I'm like my father when it comes to having a very active lifestyle but I am more like my mom that I think it's ok to have someone around my kids, but to never ever make them feel I'm in a relationship or spend the night. The last time my children actually saw me going to the same bedroom with someone was because I was engaged with that person. We were making plans of marriage and all of our children knew I was going to move and we were moving forward as a family. That blew apart and their is nothing you can do about it, but you can't foresee the future. If we foresaw the future, do you think any of us would be single now with children? I thought it would be ok, it wasn't, but it's a learning process.
I know this one lady that used to be full time on here. She was with her now possible X husband for 3 years. They never lived together and the children never saw them spend the night, etc. They were engaged and they never spent the night together in front of the children or did they even dabble in family life until they were married. 6 months later after the wedding and the move in, they started heading for divorce. Completely miserable.
You can try to cushion as much as you can for your children, keep them from harm and hurt and it's important to protect them with all of your heart, but their just isn't any guarantees that whatever you do is going to be the right way. You can just do the best that you can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:20pm

Hello and thanks for your thoughts...

It is so true how our DDs pick uop on the subtle things, isn't it? I think your way of talking to your daughter must have helped in alieviating her fear. She (like my daughter) naturally wants Mommy to be just Mommy and not the girl friend of some one who could potentially steal away her love! This is how I have felt, also.
It is pretty cute how your daughter warmed up to Carlos, AFTER you became "just friends"!
And signing the card, that is sweet and so telling of her feelings.

Thank you for your thoughts.. I still am new to all of this and I suppose I will learn through trial and error, as usual in life!

BTW...your signature pictures are beautiful!

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:36pm


Hi Moody,

It is wise that you kept you children from meeting the "dates" in your life, until you have felt that there was some kind of major potential. I knew somehow after dating Blue Eyes for about 4 that I wanted DD to meet him. I introduced him as a friend back then and we went to parks together and things like that.
I think that your idea of calling ever outing a date is smart, because then there is no fear of dating in theor eyes. Also, it must have given them a feeling of importance and inclusion, as they were often part of the "date"! This is an idea I wish I would have thought of when I began seeing my SO.

I like your story about your friend R. His daughter sounds a lot like mine, LOL! Perceptive, and not afraid to say what's on her mind. Although I have only been with one man (Blue Eyes) since my divorce, my DD still feels a lot like your friends daughter.
I think that the friendship status you have with im must make her feel safe. She has learned to trust you and that is HUGE step in any young girls life :o)It is nice that she can think of you so fondly, regardless of your relationship status with R.
I genuinely hope that my DD will eventually feel the same about Blue Eyes. I will be patient and understanding. The advice I have recieved here has been so great! Thank you Moody for sharing your experience.
I too feel that a happy parent is a good parent, and vice versa..!
thank you.... :o)

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:48pm

Hi and welcome to the board. This is a great group of women with lots of great points of view. There are many differing ones which can be helpful.

Anyhow, I think that your daughter should come first in that her needs should be met, she should know that her mom loves her but not in that she feels like she can stop you in your tracks any time she wants. Of course she doesn't want you to date. That is normal. I don't think introducing your child to a casual date is a good idea but if you are in a long term relationship she should meet the person.

You need to be an adult and with other adults. I don't agree that she should be able to tell you that she does or doesn't want you to "date" certain people and you should bow down to that. That is asking for trouble and giving her too much control over YOUR life. As long as your bf is good to her, doesn't take away from her (things she needs) then I think you should draw the line at letting her have too much control. A agree with your statement that children can be manipulative. Of course she wants the world to revolve around her but don't we all.

I have to admit that although I feel this way I have been separated for well over a year and gone out very sparsely with men. I haven't had much time for it and haven't really met anyone I have wanted to have a relationship with. My children have no idea that I have or will date. Actually they told me a couple of weeks ago that I should get married. I don't know if they will feel that way once mom actually has someone in her life but it is nice to think they won't make things more difficult since changing family dynamics always is a challenge.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:49pm
I want to thank you for sharing this. Your insight and experience helps me, so much.
I really commend you for how you have been mom first and how you have handled being single and the dating scene. You are doing it without the ability to send the kids to dad's house every now and then, and I really respect how you have done this and kept your kids as your priority. From reading your post I can sense your strength, and haviong done this mostly on your own..well like I said I truly take my hat off to you, girl.
I do not have family in the area so I rely soley on my ex when I need time with my SO. I am lucky because he has been accomidating for the most part.
Your girls will no doubt grow up strong like you, feeling theor own importance and worth because you have shown them that, by being their rock :O)
Your older girl..how she just spells things out. She is so honest! Isn't it something to see our girls personalities and opinions just burst out like that? I see it already in my 10 year old.
I very much appreciate your reply and I am honestly inspired by your life story.
My many thanks to you..
~Pacific~
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:57pm

I am curious if any of your dates offered to pay for babysitting?

I never really had that issue to deal with but I've heard that is "part of the package" of dating single moms if a guy wants more time espcially if it is one of those 24/7 custody deals.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:01pm

"Actually they told me a couple of weeks ago that I should get married. I don't know if they will feel that way once mom actually has someone in her life "....

LOL!
I agree with you about letting my DD have a say up to a certain point. I will always take her feelings into consideration and most certainly her safty and security will always come first. For example my SO is a great guy and he treats her with respect and kindness. If he was anything but good to her, he would not even be in the picture.
There will come a time though, in the future, when and if Blue Eyes and I get more serious in our relationship, when I will need to explain things more to her. You are right that if it was up tp her (at least right now) I would never date ever and live with her and a maybe some cats :O)
So in time...I believe things will work out for the best! With our without a SO (and I do hope it is with) my DD will always be my DD and for that I am happy and content.
Thank you for your thoughts!!

~Pacific~
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:04pm

LOL! What world do you live in? LOL

I've never thought about it and honestly I would be very embarrassed to admit I need money for babysitting. Even if it's halving it. For me, I think paying for my dinner, drinks and whatever we do afterwards is money spent enough each time. Expecting the guy to pay for a babysitter on top of that just doesn't come cheap. And let us just imagine that we want to see one another more then once or twice a week, then it's just outrageous. You have to come up with other alternatives, especially because I don't want to spend that much time away from my children, but I also want to spend more time with the other person and continue to move forward; much like Moody does with her children and her relationship.

I also don't have a source of friends here that have children to use that ace card on, but if I did, I would do babysitting swap with them.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:25pm

Hmmm... well dang gurl... *I'D* pay for a babysitter if I really wanted to see the gal. We just go on a cheaper date :-P.

Let's see $3/kid/hr is the rate? or less right? Pick up at 6 pm. Come back 11 pm. 5 hrs = $30 max yes? Let's say you get a 14 yo who charges half that then it's $15.

Dinner and dancing/drinks = 2 x $15-$20 for dinner + 2 x $5 for cover + 2 x $10 for drinks (if we are being fancy with mixed drinks instead of beer and assuming 2 drinks per person) = $65-$85 for the night incd babysitting.

Yikes! Now that you have me actually calculating it ... dang it HAS been a while since I took someone out on a date! LOL. I consider the babysitter cost (or half of it) as part of the date if I am making more money than my single mom date.

Well for me the trade off is sitting at home on the computer posting on iVillage :-P so well worth the price :-P.

Mark

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:57pm

Try $7-$10 dollars an hour for babysitting for kids. And where do you take your dates for dinner? LOL! I happen to know that usually my dates fork between $80-$200 a dinner with drinks. Then when we do something else, like go to another bar, they pay cover at the door either 10 or more at the door and the drinks run about 50-60 by the time the night is over. So I might be out 40 or 50 dollars a night on babysitting, but my date is out by at least 150. But I am on a tight budget so 50 dollars for one night hurts majorly.