My daughter and my SO..Your advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
My daughter and my SO..Your advice?
48
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 5:43pm


What a great board this is, and gireat discussions. I have been following along and enjoying this place very much.

Now I have a question and I'm looking for some of your opinions. I am 38 and my DD is 10 years old. She is the light of my life and I have her with me about 75 percent of the time. My ex (her dad) is very much involved and they have a really good relationship.
The guy I have now been dating Blue Eyes is 52 and has been without young kids in the house for many years.
It is only natural, that she dreams and wishes that I would date no one ever again, (at least it is natural right now for her to feel that way. It's been less than a year since my divorce.)
I have been dating Blue eyes for 10 months. We knew each other long before we started dating, when I was still married. But my DD has only been introduced to him recently, in a slow fashion. I love Blue Eyes, and he feels the same. He wants to move forward, but DD is resistant to most any ideas about getting together for outings with him. She wants me to spend my time with her alone, and most of the time when she is with me it is just her and I.
I do not want to stall my relationship, but DD will always be my number one priority. Is that wrong? In the future maybe things will even out and a strong relationship with a SO will take equal priority, because that would make for a strong family. But now I need to make sure DD knows she is safe, cared for and my prioroty above all.
When does that caring and consideration of the children turn into being manipulated...for example, if they play the "I don't like you dating" card in the begining that's totally understandable but when do you think it's right to move forward even if it is not their desire, even if they are hurt? What if it took 5 years for your DD or DS to "be OK" with you dating...would you wait that long?
And because Blue Eyes is older than me, he has already raised his kids, and I feel he has forgotten the dynamics that mother/daughters go through together. Saturday night I had to pick up DD early and so we had to cut our time short that we were spending with his friends and family. He has been a bit upset lately, maybe due to the awareness of how his dating someone with a 10 year old is going to affect his lifestyle in the long run.
I can not appologize for putting my DD number one in my life nor would I want to. But at the same time Blue Eyes is a wonderful man, I don't want to lose our relationship.
It's a balancing act that I am perhaps not so good at yet.
I wonder what your experiences are here, any advice?
How do you deal with dating someone without kids (or kids long gone) when they are not on the same page all the time, regarding your kids?

Thanks for reading this...it's a bit long but I appreciate your reading this far.

~Pacific~
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:09pm

I don't do traditional "dates" plus it's been a while since I've been on one in the first place. I love Portland for you can do a lot of fun things inexpensively. I don't do the clubbing thing either. Plus the Northwest there are so many outdoor things to do.

Dog walk and breakfast was my last "date" which was actually a friend thingy (I paid for breakfast). With Kathleen it was a free outdoor park's concert with a picnic. I went to a art show opening (her suggestion plus there was free wine and snacks) and a street festival with someone else. I love Summer here for such things.

Thanks for giving me the window of how your side of the world does dating and how expensive they are.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:43pm

"I know this one lady that used to be full time on here. She was with her now possible X husband for 3 years. They never lived together and the children never saw them spend the night, etc. They were engaged and they never spent the night together in front of the children or did they even dabble in family life until they were married. 6 months later after the wedding and the move in, they started heading for divorce. Completely miserable."

In my mind that is a huge mistake when it comes to having kids. I could not imagine investing that much time with someone or to get engaged to someone when they have not met my kids or learned about MY parenting style.

I explained to my BF the other night - I am one who "parents while walking around" - meaning I spend a lot of time and talking to my DS while just doing ordinary life things. Of course I keep it on his age level, but I do not hide the world from him. I have always been honest about what is going on the world and in my life. For example, when the dog died, he knew the dog died and that is what happens in life - I did not sugarcoat it - although I did say the dog is in doggy heaven and happy.

He understands that dating is not easy and he has even learned the basics of finding someone who is capable of a good relationship - meaning they are kind and positive and not stingy or mean or have problems with drinking. He never met the fireman, but he heard the story. He knows that I am doing the best I can to find someone good for both of us. And he has met my BF twice for very brief meetings - once when we went to the beach but my BF was working and just chatted a few times - and again when BF was here but leaving and DS was arriving - very brief. I have said that I think he is nice - but we have to go slow and only time will tell. DS likes to be part of the process but really this is rather invisible to him - his life goes untouched by all of it so to speak - it is like a friend coming over and I am not going off the deep end. Although I must say that DS is having fun with it at this point - he is threatening to declare a huge test that he forgot to study for or to put all the dogs in the pool so they shake on us - just silly fun stuff!

Of course prior to that I was in the convent for 4 years. DS met all of my friends male and female - but there has surely never been a string of men through my door and I considered him too young before the convent stint to be a part of anything and since he was little it was very easy to hide.

Now he is bigger and he sees me on the phone and he just knows I am dating and I am not going to hide it - you can't really hide that because kids his age are very smart. He does not want me to surprise him with this; he wants to know what is going on.

But most important I want to make sure my BF agrees and supports my parenting philosophy and decisions. And that he is kind to my DS and accepts both of us as a package and sees that getting 2 for the price of one is a good thing. Since he has a kid and we have talked a lot about our kids I feel comfortable so far that he is an easy going type who is very positive and generally likes kids a lot - so that is good. But only time will tell. I would say that for me I feel comfortable if they see each other a few times a month briefly - but not to hang out and play house hours on end. BF and I do not have time like that anyway - so all is cool here.

My parenting philosophy is very positive - I believe in the reward system not in the punishment system. Sure there are consequences, but there are so many incentives that he is too busy wanting to get rewards and he very rarely causes any problems that need consequences. I only have one son so he is what I would call gifted and privileged - but some might say spoiled and give me a hard time. And I tell you, anyone who does not agree with what I do is out of here so fast their head will spin. Because the time I have with my DS is so so perishable. And I have no patience anyone who believes in military type punishment and discipline just because that is what their parents did. I believe my priorities are straight.




Edited 8/21/2007 2:50 pm ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:53pm

Ok, NOW what world do you live i Mark?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:56pm

I would say that a lot depends on where you live, how expensive things are - but yes, my "dates" tend to be in that realm as well.

Photobucket

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 6:08pm

What world do *I* live in? Hmmmm... I did say I was guessing at the costs of these things since I have not really "dated" like you high maintenance babes are use to. Plus I was going by when I was hiring babysitters when my kids needed them which was about 15 yrs ago LOL.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 10:59am

First of all, I'm moving to the northwest. Sitters here are a minimum of $10/hr. They usually charge more if you have more than 2 (I have 3). I have had the same sitter forever and she never charges me more than $10/hour. So a 5 hour date starts out at $50.00

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 11:06am

Wow!!! That is a lot to spend on a date. I have to say that I wouldn't be comfortable with someone spending that much on me unless I knew them really well.

I would say going to a nice restaurant (no chains), and a couple of drinks should cost less than $100.00 (dinner $50, drinks another $30). You might hit over a hundred with tip.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 11:55am

Come on out!

I'll charge you 1/2 of that.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 4:43pm
Welllllll, I have to say, I never feel uncomfortable. If the guy wants to spend that much money on me, it is what it is. I think we've had a long thread about that before. I won't stop a guy from taking me someplace nice, nor will I stop him from buying the wine that he wants. We have great restaurants here and the main courses start at $22 a plate, then of course appetizers, drinks, coffee....... but waiting for the table will cost you the $14 dollar martini. Before you hit the food, you are usually easily out by 30 bucks, because I don't drink beer on my dates and I start out with a cocktail and then stick to wine. Mainly because that is the atmosphere I'm brought to. $150 is EASILY reached, but then I have to figure, I'm only half that, so I'm only $75. He's eating well too, because he chooses too, so that isn't MY fault. LOL. So although the guy might be out 150-200 or more, I always divide that in two and think.........I'M WORTH IT. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 5:45pm

Yikes on how much it costs to go out on a date up there!

Maybe I'm just a down-home Texas girl and live where the prices are not that crazy, but I just can't imagine a date costing that much!! I would never feel right knowing Hiker paid that much just to go out. Although I feel I am worth it, too... I just wonder if the restaurant/food/drinks themselves are all worth that much?!??

I don't mind eating "cheap" and don't EXPECT high-dollar restaurants when we go out... food is food to me, although I do like some expensive stuff like sushi, steaks and seafood (not all in the same dinner, BTW!)- I still don't think Hiker's ever spent that much (over $100) on our dinners together. I think the most expensive might be close to $80 total, and most of the time, they run about $40-50 maybe, max.

I'm not high maintenance (self-proclaimed or by others) and I would just FREAK if Hiker spent that much. I freak a bit just knowing what some of our trips might cost- but we tend to split some things along the way and it's not ALL on him.

It's never even brought up or considered that Hiker pay for my babysitting. They are MY kids, and I will pay for their babysitting. I pay my sitter $8/hr for both boys.

~shrimpy, finding this thread taking an eye-opening tangent: the cost of dating

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<