My daughter and my SO..Your advice?
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| Mon, 08-20-2007 - 5:43pm |
What a great board this is, and gireat discussions. I have been following along and enjoying this place very much.
Now I have a question and I'm looking for some of your opinions. I am 38 and my DD is 10 years old. She is the light of my life and I have her with me about 75 percent of the time. My ex (her dad) is very much involved and they have a really good relationship.
The guy I have now been dating Blue Eyes is 52 and has been without young kids in the house for many years.
It is only natural, that she dreams and wishes that I would date no one ever again, (at least it is natural right now for her to feel that way. It's been less than a year since my divorce.)
I have been dating Blue eyes for 10 months. We knew each other long before we started dating, when I was still married. But my DD has only been introduced to him recently, in a slow fashion. I love Blue Eyes, and he feels the same. He wants to move forward, but DD is resistant to most any ideas about getting together for outings with him. She wants me to spend my time with her alone, and most of the time when she is with me it is just her and I.
I do not want to stall my relationship, but DD will always be my number one priority. Is that wrong? In the future maybe things will even out and a strong relationship with a SO will take equal priority, because that would make for a strong family. But now I need to make sure DD knows she is safe, cared for and my prioroty above all.
When does that caring and consideration of the children turn into being manipulated...for example, if they play the "I don't like you dating" card in the begining that's totally understandable but when do you think it's right to move forward even if it is not their desire, even if they are hurt? What if it took 5 years for your DD or DS to "be OK" with you dating...would you wait that long?
And because Blue Eyes is older than me, he has already raised his kids, and I feel he has forgotten the dynamics that mother/daughters go through together. Saturday night I had to pick up DD early and so we had to cut our time short that we were spending with his friends and family. He has been a bit upset lately, maybe due to the awareness of how his dating someone with a 10 year old is going to affect his lifestyle in the long run.
I can not appologize for putting my DD number one in my life nor would I want to. But at the same time Blue Eyes is a wonderful man, I don't want to lose our relationship.
It's a balancing act that I am perhaps not so good at yet.
I wonder what your experiences are here, any advice?
How do you deal with dating someone without kids (or kids long gone) when they are not on the same page all the time, regarding your kids?
Thanks for reading this...it's a bit long but I appreciate your reading this far.

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I echo your sentiments. I like simple healthy food and dinner for two where I like to go costs about $20 - can't stand sitting forever in a restaurant and don't really drink - would rather be out on the bike or walking along the beach. But that is just me - and my dedication to my own lifestyle.
Babysitting for me is at least $10 per hour - we live in a nice area and the kids are spoiled and will not babysit that much and certainly not for less. And that is my problem - I always take care of it. I have not ever had to find and pay a sitter all that much. My mom and sister have helped a bit and so have friends and also DS has gone to his dad. I think most of my babysitting expenses were so I could train and race more than if I could date - LOL!!
I am also talking "dating". I don't really consider a exclusive relationship as "dating" anymore. To me, I define "dating" as dating several people at the same time.
I think everyone can admit that once the intial 3rd date is over, most people choose to go to less expensive places and the more expensive places are held for special occasions or once in a blue moon occasions, because then you are more "with" this guy and you care more about the money being spent, etc.
But it's my experience that the guy tends to like to make an impression, the woman likes being impressed. I love doing stuff that wouldn't cost alot but is romantic IF you know what food I like. I dont' want someone to choose my food and then make me eat it, or I feel I have to eat it (for instance a picnic). And of course the healthy active lifestyle during a day date is fun or if you have a beach close by the evening stroll. However, I don't feel like sweating on my first date. LOL. But that's just me.
Edited 8/22/2007 6:07 pm ET by myprecioustwo
I haven't read ahead. but I can answer for myself- the only date who ever offered to pay for the sitter with me is funnyguy, my current SO.
I don't let him everytime, but there have been times he's offered simply so I can have some "me" time- without him OR the kids.
Maybe it's because he's older than I am, or maybe the other guys were simply clueless... or maybe it's because he's a gem.
Whatever the reason, I never thought about it until this post, and it's one more reason simply to treasure him.
Moody, counting her blessings
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I think we've discussed this before, but everyone seems to pay a lot for their sitters compared to me.
Granted, I typically have a teenaged child of a friend doing the sitting, but I usually pay $20 for a night of daycare. Since my children are typically sleeping before I leave and certainly don't wake up before I get home, I feel this is fair- they have access to my computer, the tv, food, and the phone, so it's a typical teenager's dream job. All they really have to do is be here.
If it's a day thing or the kids will be up, I pay more, and have even hired a sitter to tag along while we go shopping, simply because another pair of eyes and hands makes everything easier, but as I said, they are typically friends' children whom I have known forever.
Moody, whose children wish she'd get a sitter more often
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I have to say that I wouldn't be comfortable with someone spending that much on me unless I knew them really well.
I totally agree.
Hi Pacific, welcome to the board!
To get back to the original topic, let's talk about your daughter and your SO- not babysitting costs...
It may seem harsh, but: YOU are the parent here.
Very good advice!!! I totally agree.
Priscilla
Hi Alison..thanks for your insight!
This week, when it has been evenings at home with just DD and I, I have made the conscious effort to focus on her and only her. I decided to not let thoughts of my SO enter my mind to the point of being distravted around DD. I can't explain it but it made a huge differece. I wss really "there" with her and she responded to that so well, turned back into my "little girl" again..happy, loving, content, falling asleep with a smile on her face.
I will clarify that and make sure I say that it was not that I was over catering to her or ingonoring time or thoughts about Blue Eyes. He would certainly enter my mind but instead of my mind wandering (I wonder what he's doing tonight..is he out with friends, or me thinking about our relationship)I concentrated on being Mom. I know that sounds like a no-brainer but I am sometimes surprised at how my mind does not stay present in the moment.
So I guess what I am discovering is that when I'm with DD, it feels best to be "totally with" her and that way she feels secure, and that way when we spend time with blue eyes, she is more secure that she still has me for good, I'm not leaving her.
And when I'm with Blue Eyes and we're alone, I am totally with him, trying not thinking about all my responsibilties and things that could get me away from being present with him. I see it as a balance that I am just learning!
Now on the opccasions when we are all togehter it is taking more of a balance act, but still, and I do feel pulled both ways mentally, sometimes. But again, I'm learning :o)
Kids respond SOOOOO well to face time with their parent= even if it's five mins!
It was Toni Morrison that said that.
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