My daughter and my SO..Your advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
My daughter and my SO..Your advice?
48
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 5:43pm


What a great board this is, and gireat discussions. I have been following along and enjoying this place very much.

Now I have a question and I'm looking for some of your opinions. I am 38 and my DD is 10 years old. She is the light of my life and I have her with me about 75 percent of the time. My ex (her dad) is very much involved and they have a really good relationship.
The guy I have now been dating Blue Eyes is 52 and has been without young kids in the house for many years.
It is only natural, that she dreams and wishes that I would date no one ever again, (at least it is natural right now for her to feel that way. It's been less than a year since my divorce.)
I have been dating Blue eyes for 10 months. We knew each other long before we started dating, when I was still married. But my DD has only been introduced to him recently, in a slow fashion. I love Blue Eyes, and he feels the same. He wants to move forward, but DD is resistant to most any ideas about getting together for outings with him. She wants me to spend my time with her alone, and most of the time when she is with me it is just her and I.
I do not want to stall my relationship, but DD will always be my number one priority. Is that wrong? In the future maybe things will even out and a strong relationship with a SO will take equal priority, because that would make for a strong family. But now I need to make sure DD knows she is safe, cared for and my prioroty above all.
When does that caring and consideration of the children turn into being manipulated...for example, if they play the "I don't like you dating" card in the begining that's totally understandable but when do you think it's right to move forward even if it is not their desire, even if they are hurt? What if it took 5 years for your DD or DS to "be OK" with you dating...would you wait that long?
And because Blue Eyes is older than me, he has already raised his kids, and I feel he has forgotten the dynamics that mother/daughters go through together. Saturday night I had to pick up DD early and so we had to cut our time short that we were spending with his friends and family. He has been a bit upset lately, maybe due to the awareness of how his dating someone with a 10 year old is going to affect his lifestyle in the long run.
I can not appologize for putting my DD number one in my life nor would I want to. But at the same time Blue Eyes is a wonderful man, I don't want to lose our relationship.
It's a balancing act that I am perhaps not so good at yet.
I wonder what your experiences are here, any advice?
How do you deal with dating someone without kids (or kids long gone) when they are not on the same page all the time, regarding your kids?

Thanks for reading this...it's a bit long but I appreciate your reading this far.

~Pacific~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:17pm

Hope you werent offended mark - i was just kidding, adding to the other comment about your world. I *wish* my world had sitters with prices from 15 yrs ago!


& yeah, i CAN be high maintence, but also very low maintence as well. Whatever hte situation calls for. Too a degree! lol

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:24pm
Perfect example was my date last nite. I knew he had "high maintenece taste" just in tlaking to him about his fav restaraunts & wines.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:27pm
Yes, great point.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:38pm

I't so true :O)
I can really feel tell with my DD... that extra time and full attention, it means to world to her! Especially in this time in her life, she is 10 and she is going through all the turmoil of the divorce. Her smile and hugs keep my perspective right on track, and remind me how lucky I am :O)
~Pacific~
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:46pm

First date impressions/impressing? I am of mixed views on this for I like to present myself as "what you see is what you get" type of guy so I don't do the fancy, lots o money type of dates when I am trying to get to know someone. I like to spend money on someone I know and like.

Mark

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:51pm

Hey Rebecca. Thanks for checking. You are one person I don't take seriously LOL. Meaning that I know your style and come from this good place. It's all good.

Insofar as babysitter prices, I have no clue since it has been so long since I had to hire/pay for one. I have offered my teenaged children as a sitter for one date but she refused. I KNOW my kids are cheap (i.e. I just tell them to do it LOL).

I find it revealing to hear what are the women's expectations and experiences for a date since I don't really do that much "dating" per se.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 2:02pm

I say go with WSYIWYG because you are trying to find a good MATCH for you. You're not just out to find a person you can impress by doing this or that. If a woman doesn't like you because she thinks you didn't spend enough- then she won't be right for you, will she?

She has to like you for YOU- not just how much you can spend on her. Unless you win the lottery and CAN afford to wine and dine to impress- and keep it up.

I am very much WYSIWYG and I don't expect to be wined and dined- even in the early dates. I want to see WHO the man IS- not how well he can try to impress me. I think that is what I liked about Hiker. We ate at a nice place, but it wasn't anything totally fancy. And even on our early dates, it wasn't about him trying to "win" me over- just us being together and seeing if we like each other and match or not. And that hasn't changed.

I would rather go out with a man who is proud of who is really is (if you're not the wine-and-dine type, then don't pretend to be) and that way- I can see the PERSON I are trying to get to know. Sure, it is important to put up a good first impression on those early dates- but not so much that she doesn't see the REAL YOU.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 6:49am

Interesting thread, although it moved from original posters topic..

I would say 150-200 feels exepnsive for me especially early dates. I work full time and if the first date is that expensive I would feel like, I have to split it becaue I dont want to feel obliged to the guy for spending that much. I am not sure where all of you live, but I would be comfortable choosing a less expensive place.. or even meeting for coffee or icecream dates for first couple of time, unless you know that you want to go out further.

Although I dont have kids, I assume that for those of you with kids, it would be best to try shorter dates, so you can manage with less hours of baby sitting. and that way may be date more people before you narrow down to one that you like to spend long time or dinner dates with.

of course my guy does say that Iam way too inexpensive, even if he would gladly take me to any place, I just feel food is just food.. 1 dinner is really not worth 200..but he does say that we are paying for the atmosphere too.. I agree, but I can cook very well, and I feel we could use that money for something else, instead of throwing out in restaurants..we do cook a lot at his place and my place and watch movies.

after 9 months or so I dont think anyof our dinner dates came to more than 100. well also because I dont really drink may be, I share wine with him sometimes and with few sips I feel I cant take it anymore..:-). I like to find some authentic smaller restauarnts or family owned restauarants and try different cuisines- but not that expensive.

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