My daughter's father

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
My daughter's father
25
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 2:37am

My daughter's father (my 1st XH) made contact with me today for the first time in 7 years!!! My daughter is 12. She has only seen or spoken to him 3x since she was 2 years old (when he left) and the last time when she was 5 he disappeared again. What do I do?!?


I blame the internet. He found me on myspace.com. I've only been on for about 2 months. My daughter actually asked me a few weeks ago if I could help her find him & if I thought he was

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 2:51am

I can certainly understand your trepidation here.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 6:43am

I would query more about the stability issue. I have a feeling that if he was once into drugs he is still into them particularly since he evaded that question.

My take on that is that if he is into drugs and doesn't have a stable life he is not coming anywhere near my kid - because neither of us need that drama in our life. I don't see the kid as having anything to gain from it because he has now adjusted to being without a dad and to have one come back and show himself in a bad manner and probably not visit on a regular basis just hurts the kids self esteem and plays with his emotions.

I think you should communicate more with the dad to get a better idea of where he is at.

Good luck with this decision - ultimately it is up to you - and it is not easy for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 10:53am

Most times I just lurk and there are so many wonderful people on here who give great advice that I usually don't find a need to add my 2 cents.

But I have lived on the other end of this, I can attest to the fact that a 'bad' father is better than 'no' father.

Coming into and out of her life would probably have less of an effect on her than growing up believing her father has abandoned her or that he wanted to come back into her life and you prevented it.

As long as she has you and you are her stability she probably would be hurt alot less if he did disappear again. I believe she is probably at an age to understand that he may not be the kind of person she wants to have in her life but the wondering and not knowing is way more harder to deal with.

Acceptance is something that is learned and if she has a wonderful mother such as yourself that can help to learn that, then she should be just fine. She just needs to learn to accept that he may not be an ideal father and have issues of his own that she can't help him with nor feel responsible for. This may seem like a really hard thing for her to be expected to handle as a kid but I can tell you that those feelings of abandonment can be even harder to deal with and may stay with her forever.

If she was to find out that he wanted back in her life and YOU prevented it, trust me she is NOT going to look at it as you were protecting her she is going to resent you for preventing her from maybe having a father. My suggestion would be though to let them (her and him-ONLY) build the relationship. She is old enough to talk to him on the phone herself, that would be a good start. You can give him your phone number and let him make the move to call her and talk to her directly. I wouldn't talk for or against him. Just be on the sideline for her if she needs you.

Every situation is different and by all means don't think I am trying to tell you what to do, I never would. She is your child and I know that feeling of trying to protect your child from all of the bad in this world but sometimes we can't.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 11:03am
Believe me! I have and am in the middle of the same issue. A bad father is better then no father. My oldest DD first contacted her when she was 7, she is now almost 14. He has seen her 3 times since then. And the first and third time were only for 48 hours. She hears from him every 6 months or a year. It's been an awful up and down, but she loves him. I don't want to keep him from her, but I can't stand what he does to her. It tears her up. Support your daughter. You both will have a better relationship. My oldest now understands WHY I am not with her Dad and I am not the bad guy, he is, but of course he's daddy, he still gets away with stuff that I would never be able to get away with because all of her frustrations get taken out on me. Sad but true.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 11:16am

Gosh I would hate to be put in this position...but I have to agree that a bad dad is better than no dad at all. Just prep her well about the issues that he struggles with and that clearly he thinks of her often but that he is fighting a battle with addiction. That struggle makes him very unpredictable and that you are concerned that she might be hurt or upset by him...but that it is important that she get to know her father - good or bad - it is her choice though and you will support her no matter what.

This is likely going to be a hard road for her - probably full of lots of disappointent, but I agree that you never ever want her to find out that you prevented her from having a relationship with her father. I lost my father when I was a teenager and I would give just about anything to have him back in my life. I was daddy's little girl and there is a part of me that always will be. I think that your daughter might be craving something that she feels is missing.

Good luck to you - you are a wonderful Mom!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 4:04pm

You guys are the best. Thank you for all the opinions and

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 4:05pm

UUGH! I just typed this long reply and somehow deleted it. Lets try again...

I met my real mother when I was about 16. I had already been in foster care for about 3 years and I wasnt looking for a mother. As far as I was concerned my stepmother had been my real mom. We were very close but unfortuneately she died of cancer when I was 8. I then pretty much became "mom" to my little sister. So, I didnt feel the need for a mother but mostly just to know where I came from and maybe to feel a little more complete through that knowledge.

I had always been told that she left us. Her story was that my father took us and she didnt know where to find us. I will never know the truth to that one, but thats irrelevent at this point. We spent a few summers with her and it just didnt go well. She lied and she was decietful and she did several things to hurt us, probably would have been no big deal to someone else, but was to us because of what we had been through. The very last time I visited her I was an adult and she told my grandmother-in-law that I didnt bother to look for her until I was 16!! Excuse me??? who was the adult? who was the child? who should have been looking for who??? That was the last straw, I havent spoken to her since (about 12 years or so), nor has my sister.

Needless to say, kids feel like they need all the peices to the puzzle, but they are also smart. She feels she needs this, so let her. Be her support, let her know how much you love her. Let her know your concerns but try not to bad mouth him much. She will figure out if she wants him to be a part of her life or not.

I would say though that if it comes to them wantíng to meet personally, I would take some measures to find out really what his life is about now, like maybe with a PI. Or atleast be sure its supervised to start.

Hope that helps some,
--tj

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 11:50pm

Tough one. & Im sorry I didnt see this till now.


As you may well know, my poor dd has a selfish, immature, mean-spirited, *sshole for a father.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 12:23am

Thanks Rebecca & TJ for your thoughtful posts and for sharing your personal stories with me. I have had a tough day with this on my mind. He emailed me on my space this afternoon and it was two words, very cryptic "I'm here".

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 8:52am

I think you have done good with a difficult decision - I know I learned a lot from reading the responses here. I think it is great that you will talk to him more and have supervised visits. Good job!

It is so sad you had to go through all that but you do sound like a wonderful mom and person.

Keep us posted!!

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