My daughter's father

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
My daughter's father
25
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 2:37am

My daughter's father (my 1st XH) made contact with me today for the first time in 7 years!!! My daughter is 12. She has only seen or spoken to him 3x since she was 2 years old (when he left) and the last time when she was 5 he disappeared again. What do I do?!?


I blame the internet. He found me on myspace.com. I've only been on for about 2 months. My daughter actually asked me a few weeks ago if I could help her find him & if I thought he was

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:37pm

God, Im so sorry.


If you think he may try to contact her, you may NEED to tell her whats going on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 5:00am

I would talk to an attorney and only allow him to go through legal channels. If he persists, DNA test = child support.

Try not to let your mind run away with things right now - their last communication did not indicate that they wanted to see her - he was questioning whether or not he is the father and her letter seemed like it didn't want your intrusion - did I read that right? Plus they live far away from you. Just make sure you have all your legal ducks in a huddle. Do you have sole custody? Make sure you have the school paperwork in order.

I think that if you get rid of your email address, myspace account and phone number he won't be able to harass you. Do not communicate with him or her further. If somehow they get ahold of you or you do talk to them tell them they have to go through the proper legal channels. You will have to be careful that your daughter does not have a myspace account or way they can find HER on the internet.

You are there for your daughter 24/7 - she is not going to question your integrity. I think for right now just let everything settle down and see if her persists with his intentions to see her.

I think if he really wants to see her and he goes through proper legal channels you might consider it and only if it is supervised. But let the test of time see if he really wants to do this or if it was a whim that entered his mind one night. The others did have a point that a bad dad is better than no dad. But you want to know that you are legally safe and if you make him work for that it will show you it would be safe for you. You are lucky they live so far away, given the fact that they were so ugly with this communication.

She must be one dumb broad to believe anything he says to indicate that he is somehow in the right for abandoning his child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 8:14am

I agree with everyone here. Talk to a lawyer and see what your rights are, find out what his rights are (always pays to be informed). I would make a copy of the emails and put them in a safe place. Even if it only helps to show them to your daughter in the future to explain your actions, if she questions them. He is obviously in a co-dependant relationship and they usually feed off of each other.

Have you had counseling? Maybe this would be a good time to talk to someone and get advice about how you and your daughter should handle it. I dont know about your daughter, I mean like her maturity level, emotionally. My daughter is also 12 and she would want to know these things, atleast on a toned down level. However, if it were my son at the same age, I wouldnt even consider it. The school counselor idea that someone stated here was a good one. When I was taken away from my father, it all went down in school...so I know the counselors are usually good at what they do.

All in all, do everything you can to protect you and your daughter, legally and physically. Talk to a school counselor or a family counselor and get advice on what, when and if to tell your daughter. Look for a good one though, there are definitely bad ones around.

We are here for you!!

--tj

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 12:49pm

Thank you West & TJ for your posts. I never considered my legal rights. When he and I divorced many years ago I had a paralegal do the paperwork

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 1:20pm

What did her latest email say?

I think you should wait until all of this settles down and then think about what to say to her. I would think some talking points might be that deep down he was once a caring person but the drugs really took their toll on his ability to reason and prioritize his life. And right now you are too scared to let him back into your lives especially since he is having delusions that he may not be the father or be ready for the responsibility - because isn't that what his latest drama indicates? But she must be aware of these things eventually in case he tries to contact her. Under no circumstances should she get in a car with him without your knowledge or presence.

I really think I would put up a few legal hurdles for him to come back. For one thing he should be paying child support - it is due to her and will help her go further in her education and life. And for another thing he must only have supervised visitation with reasonable advance notice. I think doing these things protects your interests - and it will help to make sure he is fit enough to see her and really wants to see her and is not just amusing himself with the conversation and jerking your chain.

I think you should seek an attorney as soon as possible to cross your t's and dot your i's - maybe now is the time to also have a will if you don't have one. Otherwise if something happens to you she could end up on his door.

I really think you should seek legal counsel before you say anything else to him. And I would NOT NOT NOT put anything in writing to him whatsoever because that can come back to haunt you later. Only speak on the phone if you do at all.

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