my ds called my boyfriend daddy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
my ds called my boyfriend daddy
10
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 2:27pm
yep i knew it would happen because he has a kid and my ds has heard her call him daddy and he is only 3 but it was still a shock i've only been dating him for a few months. i just corrected him and said no this is frank. have any of you had this problem how do you handle it. my ds's father is not involved in his life which just makes things more confusing for him. i'm glad that my ds likes my boyfriend but i don't want him getting too attached to him. he doesn't see him much because we don't live together and he doesn't come over till after my ds is in bed cause he works late. but we want to move in together by the end of the year or early next year. i'm probley overeacting since only happened once but what if he continues to call him daddy what should i do?
Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 2:58pm

Hi there and welcome to the board! I don't recall seeing your user name before, so I hope I didn't just miss it and "re-welcome" you. ;)


I have first hand with this situation, so I've got a little input for you.


have any of you had this problem how do you handle it. my ds's father is not involved in his life which just makes things more confusing for him. --- This was exactly my situation. And my DS was CRAZY about my then boyfriend (we've since married, so it's no longer an issue. ;) My DS just wanted a dad so badly he could taste it. I am sure your ds feels the same, even though he is considerably younger than my 7 year old was. (he's 10 now)


I think you handled it correctly. You just redirect. My ds was old enough to say "Mom, I want to call J "dad" now, ok?" and of course J was thrilled. It made him feel great. But I had to say "No, you can't. He is J. He is your good buddy for the time being. If and when we take it to a different level and he commits to being your father, you may certainly call him by that. I don't call him husband right now for the same reason"


Neither one of them liked it. LOL! But they respected that was probably the right thing to do.


I think you keep doing what you've done. Just remind him of Frank's name, and don't make a huge issue and go from there.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 3:38pm
IMHO if you are moving in together you should get married. Then he would BE daddy and your wouldn't have this issue. Especially at this age they have no idea. If your boyfriend has problems with it then you shouldn't be moving in.

I don't know - maybe I am harsh but I think that moving in together when you have children should only be for the married or planning the wedding couples. Hence issue resolved. If he wasn't moving in I would just keep correcting him. But I don't think you can expect your son to have a man in the house acting like a father and living with other children who call him daddy and not let him do the same.

GL

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 3:50pm
i believe i need to live with him before marrying him because just because we get along dating doesn't mean that it will work out living together he's great with my ds now but i need to see how everyone fits together living together before marrage is brought up. i do love him and can see myself marrying him. he didn't say anything about my ds calling him daddy i just corrected him. My SO has mentioned taking on a fathering role. but after only four months it's to soon what if we brake up were would that leave my ds. two fathers down? plus it's going to be at least three to five more months before we move in together. we'll just have to see where we are then.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 4:09pm

Awww..I would have melted!


At age three, he is old enough to know he wants a Daddy, he may have been confused, or he may have been trying out the word.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 4:53pm
I think you handled it well, however I wouldn't consider moving in with him without some form of commitment in place. You don't want him to get attached to Frank and then if something doesn't work out...

I think you need to spend the time really getting to know Frank and how he is both with his own child and yours. Do things with both kids, one kid at a time and no kids. Mix it up and see how he is.

Either way, I think it was sweet of him to call Frank dad. If and when you two move in together, he may feel comfortable calling him daddy Frank instead of just dad.

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Avatar for comountainsprite
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 6:44pm
Welcome, you've gotten a lot of response and I think some unsolicited advice on whether or not to live together(which on that score, yes it does seem kind of early to be talking about that and I'd urge caution but I'm not one to be a hypocrite and I know that after only about a month we were already talking so sometimes when you know, you know). I just wanted to add that I think you handled it well. Eventually if things do work out, he may end up calling Frank "Dad" but at this stage it's not really appropriate. I had to laugh just a bit though because my dd was 4 when MG and I got together and were already at least in the talking stages (although at the moment I don't remember if we'd made a firm decision or not at the time) of planning to move in together when my lease was up and he was spending at least 2-3 evenings and usually one day and night at my apt with us. We'd taken her to the circus and then gone to dinner. As we were getting into the car, she said something about wanting to get in "dad's side". Although I melted that she thought so much of him, I also just wanted to crawl under the car and was hoping he didn't notice. No such luck LOL Thankfully he wasn't freaked out by it. And by the time we'd lived together about 8 or 9 months, she one day just said, I think I'm going to start calling MG Dad. And that was that. But we were engaged by then so it wasn't inappropriate and I think it really warmed his heart since he already thought of her as a daughter.

Just as an aside, we are happily married now, (truthfully she views us as her mom and dad and her dad John (her bio father) is a bonus dad) but when we moved in together, we planned on it being basically a permanent relationship but had no plans to ever get married. (We changed our mind but that's another story all together LOL) And I know that many of the ladies here would criticize him for it (except of course they've all had to listen to way too much of my bragging now and know he's a great dad) but MG would never have married me without living with me first partially because he'd never had children, never wanted children before dd, and didn't know how it was going to feel to have a child living with him 24/7. He did a lot of soul searching before even getting to the living together stage to make sure that he wasn't going to be a disappearing man for her but he needed that extra reassurance that only experience could give him before being able to open his heart to even consider marriage again (and again not soley because of dd but that was still one of the factors). Welcome and good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 6:59pm
I gotta agree with Andrea. Not a big deal that he called your boyfriend "dad", you handled it perfectly, it's a little soon to be talking about living together (although my dh was asking me when we had been dating for only 4 months "when do you think you'll be ready to move in?"), make sure before you live together that this is it and that 6 months after moving in together he won't suddenly say "this isn't for me" because your poor ds would have his little heart broken. I have no issue with living together before marriage, especially with a child so young, but I *DO* have issues with people who don't think through the ramifications on the CHILDREN of living together before marriage. Then again - I also have issues with people who get married and move in together and 6 months (or 2 years) later say "WHAT was I thinking?" and drag innocent child(ren) through a messy divorce - the second one for many of them.

Best wishes to you!

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 7:11pm
That was my point about MG and me knowing for sure that regardless of what he ever came to think about marriage, he wouldn't have been willing to do that without having lived together because he would have felt it was much worse to marry and then find out that the step family situation was not going to work and drag her through a divorce. We got lucky as you know, we're more like a biological family than a stepfamily. But still. . . for us, it was the right thing to do and we thought through the ramifications of even living together very much before we did it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:10am
He sounds a lot like my SO! Too funny. So maybe that is what is taking so long.

At least when he moved in though it sounds like he was really committed to giving it a full blown try. Not a "wait and see" thing but a "I am going to give it all I got" thing. And it sounds like he did - good for you and kudos for your patience - I find that pretty tough! LOL

Laura

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 11:13am

I wouldn't get too upset about it.