My kids vs. his kids
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| Mon, 03-05-2007 - 10:06am |
Hi
I am new to this board and really need some advice. I have been dating a wonderful man for a little over a year. We have tried to take it slow, particularly with the kids. My kids are 13 and 14, his are 6 and 7. He has 50/50 custody and a good working relationship with his ex. Unfortunately I cannot say the same about my ex. He has had our kids over night 8 times in a year and a half (very detached).
My dilema is my boyfriend wants me to spend more time with his girls and get to know them more. I have my kids 24/7 and it is very hard for me to give up time with my kids to be with his. I understand that if we are to move forward I need to develop more of a relationship with his kids but what about mine? My kids are very busy with sports, school and a blooming social life of a teenager. I feel it is very important that I be home when they get home in the evening. I recently had an incident where I found out that my daughter had drank alcohol with a friend. I feel like it is very important to be there when my kids come home in the evening.
Has anyone had an experience similar to this?
HHHHEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

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I haven't been in your exact situation, but I do know about juggling his kids and your own. I do not expect my SO to spend time with my DS. They know each other and get along, but they do not spend very much time together at all because my SO has kids of his own (teenagers). He has full custody of his children.
You do not want your young teenagers being unsupervised. Teenagers can get into bigger trouble because parents think they are more mature than they really are.
If I were you, I'd have your SO come over when his kids are at their mother's. I really do not see how you can leave your teenagers to spend time with his kids when your teenagers only have you as a parent.
I am not dating a man with kids - but I say absolutely that in no way should yours lose any time with you. Yours are in the most important time of their lives - where they really need you and your supervision - AND they only have you!!
I say that if you can figure out a way for those ages to have fun - maybe a pizza dinner and then you go off with yours and he puts his to bed - that is okay - you will have to mix and match a little?
Hi there, and welcome. I haven't had experience with this, but I'm wondering if there's a reaosn why he and his kids couldn't come to you on occassion? Are you purposely keeping the kids from each other? Why can't all of you hang out together?
Or the two of you can spend more time together when he doesn't have his kids, maybe?
Good luck, I'm sure everyone will have good advice, please keep us posted.
Moody, not looking forward to the teen years
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Thanks all who replied!!
Our situation is a difficult one. First he lives 45 minutes away, both of his girls are in different schools and different directions. He ownes his own business and puts alot of hours in. My kids are very involved with their respective sports. My ex will take my kids at max once a week for an hour dinner then right back home. I don't think he realizes how much of a sacrifice I and my kids are making. EVERY time I am out with him, my kids are home alone. Yes, they are old enough to be without a sitter but that does not mean they should be unsupervised.
I love him very much and he loves me but...... it is so much more complicated than I had ever imagined. We don't spend the night at each others houses (only when all the kids are gone which is rare) and it is hard to find time to fit things in.
I do think that I am keeping our kids apart but for a reason. I just feel like my kids (as well as his) have had no say in what has happened to their life. I know my kids being typical teenagers don't want to hang out with a 6 and 7 year old. I know my SO is ready to take the next step and so are his kids. His ex is engaged and I think his kids want to make sure that their dad has someone too. From everything that I have read teenagers have the hardest time adjusting to a change in their family and this is a major one.
It is causing me a huge amount of stress because I love him but I am all my kids have and I am a parent first and foremost right now. Maybe I should just wait to date when my kids are off to college.
Damn that cheating ex of mine!
(((hugs)))! You seem like a really devoted Mom, who has her priorities, her kids, where they should be.
My idea would be if his kids such tough schedules & its difficult, you can only do what you can do. YOUR kids are YOUR priority. I hope he realizes this & isnt pressuring you. BUT, also, IF you think this guy may be "the one", YOUR life has some priority here as well.
Thanks for you advice.
I just wanted to say what a cute family you have!
We are suppose to go to counseling tonight but I have not spoken with him since our blow up so I have no idea if he is going to show up or not. If not, I guess I will have to lick my wounds once again.
"I just feel like my kids (as well as his) have had no say in what has happened to their life. I know my kids being typical teenagers don't want to hang out with a 6 and 7 year old. I know my SO is ready to take the next step and so are his kids."
Right on the money, trust your gut. I have teens, S18 has had the hardest time adjusting to MOM having a boyfriend. S15 complains constantly about dad's OW and her kids (11 &8) having to be included in everything they do and that they dictate what they do. Plus our youngest is 3 and that is a whole other age/activity issue.
It is very hard to work around the kid issues, I am sorry you also have distance issues.
Anyway, what I and my BF have tried so far has been a very slow approach. His D11 is adament she does not want to have me around. Nothing personal, she actually has said to her mother that she thinks I'm very nice, she just isn't ready for her parents to have those kinds of relationships. His D14 is OK with dad having a life but , like my S15, prefers dad time to be with dad, not dad and GF. I am fine with that. My kids are more flexible, D3 likes M a lot and my boys also have come to some acceptance of the guy, mostly because enough time has gone by (8months) and they see that this man treats mom better than dad ever did. They appreciate the bonus of happy mom. What we have done is had one weekend where we had all the kids (well not S18 who had sports conflicts) for a holiday weekend in Mexico. It was with other families and M and I behaved platonically. Then we had brief, just passing through, say hi, encounters so the kids could see we still are in one another's lives. We try to keep our time together limited to time w/out our kids but you don't have that luxury. Can you occaisionally meet for lunch or are your workplaces also far apart? Any large group activities all the kids might enjoy, ie. day at the beach, skiing, ice skating, bowling...things they can do w/o having to actually interact closely?
If you are patient there is light at the end of the tunnel. As your kids get older they will have their own social lives and you will have more free time. They will want you to be less visible at their sports events, just show up at the big meets/games not every game. They will be focused on friends/boyfriends and be out on dates themselves.
Your BF will just have to accept that you have kids in different stages of growing up and that it makes a huge difference in how they handle the issue of a parent having a SO. He's just going to have to be patient about merging your lives.
Thanks,
It is so much harder than I had ever imagined it would be. We have been dating 14 months and it has been great. I have been trying to take it slow, particularly for my kids.
Last night we met with our counselor for the second time. It did not go well. Basiclly he wants at least once a month for me to spend time with his kids. I know that is not alot of time and I see that I need to develop more of a relationship with them. My struggle is how do I do that with my kids and their hectic schedules?????? My son plays football, basketball, baseball, and is also on an AAU traveling basketball team. My daughter is a nationally ranked rider (horses) and rides every day. They are both honor students and always have alot of homework.
Anyway, I was trying to tell him that I would like to spend time with him and his girls but I am torn. I don't know where to give. It is easier during summer break but during the school year it is so hard. My boyfriend ended up getting so angry. Quite honestly is scared me to see how angry he was. We ended the evening by walking to our cars and he told me he would talk to me next week. Maybe these are all red flags or maybe I am too set in my ways. He knows how stressful it is for me when things are not good between us. I can't eat or sleep. I cannot afford to loose more weight and I am just exhausted.
In my humble opinion, if I was you, that would be it and done for me - watching someone be that selfish and that angry and not into me and my needs. My kid will always come first - and I want a man that admires me for having a kid who is an honor student - not some bratty man who demands that I give up the precious numbered days of successful teens to spend time with his kids who already have a mom. It is all about him.
I have one kid who is an honor student. And his dad is in his life. But even still I struggle, too. It is a LOT of work to get a kid to be an honor student. You have to be totally into their schoolwork with them. I don't know how you do it with two of them - and you probably work very hard to support yourself and make ends meet for all of you. I admire you, I really do. And never mind their activities. I am so impressed with what yours are doing. They are doing GREAT!!
Honey, no man is worth giving up any time from your children. And no man who sits there and demands that and storms off and makes you feel that way is ever worth that. It made me mad to read your post.
The days with your successful teenagers are numbered. The men in the sea who can replace that jerk are not - they are endless, trust me.
I think he just doesn't know any better. When people have little kids they think they have them that way forever. But when your kids get older you start to realize that you don't have a lot of time left. Mine is only 10 and I already feel that way. I am also starting to see the difference between kids whose parents spend time with them and kids who don't. We are having a lot of trouble with a few on our street who are latch kids whose parents spend no time with them. There is a big difference now.
There is one kid whose dad is always gone for the military. His mom is sad because she feels abandoned - so she always works. This kid is skipping school, playing with matches, shooting kids and animals with a beebee gun, cussing and smoking. He poured urine on a neighbor's car. And there are others whose parents take no interest who are doing bad in school and hanging out with the wrong crowd. There is just a huge divide between those that have parents in their life and those that don't - and you see this very clearly in middle school and teen years. So you are smart - please don't doubt yourself.
When I saw all this trouble on my street this week, I booked a camping trip to Wyoming for me and my son this summer. We need our time to bond and I want him to feel loved and special. Time with him is truly precious and I love it. And I tell you, no man will come between me and him and make me feel that way.
I hope you stand your ground.
Once a month may not sound like a big deal - but when you have all those good activities planned and they need you because their dad is not in there life it is a big deal. My opinion is that this jerk should be figuring a way to help make your life easier and make it win win - bringing his kids to watch yours - telling you that you did good. What he is asking now is win lose - he wins what he wants while you and your kids lose. And believe me, there is a man out there like that for you!!
HUGS - please keep us posted!! We are rooting for you!!
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