My kids vs. his kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
My kids vs. his kids
18
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 10:06am

Hi

I am new to this board and really need some advice. I have been dating a wonderful man for a little over a year. We have tried to take it slow, particularly with the kids. My kids are 13 and 14, his are 6 and 7. He has 50/50 custody and a good working relationship with his ex. Unfortunately I cannot say the same about my ex. He has had our kids over night 8 times in a year and a half (very detached).

My dilema is my boyfriend wants me to spend more time with his girls and get to know them more. I have my kids 24/7 and it is very hard for me to give up time with my kids to be with his. I understand that if we are to move forward I need to develop more of a relationship with his kids but what about mine? My kids are very busy with sports, school and a blooming social life of a teenager. I feel it is very important that I be home when they get home in the evening. I recently had an incident where I found out that my daughter had drank alcohol with a friend. I feel like it is very important to be there when my kids come home in the evening.

Has anyone had an experience similar to this?

HHHHEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 11:47am

Thank you for your support!

It has been very difficult and my kids are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. When my ex left me for his 26 year old I didn't think I could survive. But I realized I am all my kids have and I have no choice but to be strong for them. I don't bad mouth him to the kids and my ex can see them whenever he wants which is so rare.

I do love this man but I saw a different side of him last night and I did not like it. I can not and will not put up with someone who is willing to put his kids over mine. They are equally important. I felt like he gave me an ultimatum and no one likes that.

I was thinking this morning, "damn, I'm quite a catch!" Not to sound arrogant but I am 42, long brown hair (a few grays mixed in) a size 2, I own my house, am financially secure, I give my whole heart in a relationship, and am alot of fun to boot. I don't need a man to complete myself it is just a bonus. I deserve to be put first just as I have put my ex there and he only took advantage of that.
I know someone is out there who will appreciate me AND my kids and if not, then I will be fine.

Thanks again

Jill

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 1:22pm

You are a catch!!!! You are the same as me - I am 3 years older - but also very smart and financially secure - very fun and active - own my own home - and have a nice son and good heart.

The thing is, we just have to be a little bit more patient when we get older. But we have our whole lives ahead of us!!

Your kids are great and there is a big reason for it - YOU! I think you have stepped up to the plate quite well. You did not go through the heartache of a jerk cheating husband and absent father to boot for someone who gives you an ultimatum between his kids and yours. You have recovered from a major life stress - a bundle of them really - and have come shining through in a grand way. YOu didn't do all of that to settle for a donkey.

And the longer you stay with a donkey, the longer you have to walk in its poop. Time you got a real sweetie who will help you and contribute.

I am hoping you will meet the sweetie at one of your kids events! Gosh - you are getting out there quite a bit - make sure you take care of you and look your best. One will come along to snap you up before you know it!!

Keep us posted, okay? We hope you stick around and help us from time to time and let us know what happens and how you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 1:57pm

((hugs)) I was saddened to read your post about how angry your SO got over this issue. It is a huge red flag. It is very hard to let go when you have fallen in love, but it is better to see this now before you spend another year with this man, and before you have your children develop a relationship with him. What would happen if you were to have him around your kids and the kids, being teens, start to express their own ideas about what they want to do?

You are right, 42 is NOT too old to start over. I was 43 when I finally filed for divorce. It was a long hard road, and I used to joke that I would be single forever because no guy would want to get involved with a woman my age with two teens, a baby, and a psycho X. Since I had fallen for my X at 14 and never dated anyone else, I thought I'd never be able to feel that way about another guy. I was very wrong about that. Once I had healed and was ready to date, it actually was pretty easy to meet men. I just kept the attitude that dating was for fun, a learning experience. When M came along I was content being single. I think it is key to our relationship that we both have full lives on our own, we both put our kids first, we both compromise and make time to be together- we act like grown ups. When we disagree about something, we express our opinions and why we feel the way we do. Sometimes we just agree to disagree. As I stated in a previous post, for the first time in my life I really feel safe with letting my feelings out, I know M is not going to make fun of me or use anything I say against me later just to win an argument. I spent 30 years with someone who I could never really trust. One can tell I am happy now as I finally weigh what is considered a healthy weight for someone my height. The stress of life with my X kept me excessively thin. So, if a guy makes you so stressed you can't eat it is a serious red flag. There are plenty of guys who will love your commitment as a parent.

That being said a bit of caution, my two cents as a parent of older teens. Be prepared to start backing off with your kids. You can't go to college with them, they have to learn to do things on their own. And start watching for burnout, my older son as a Freshman was in Marching Band, Jazz Band, a jazz group outside of school that performs and travels a lot, and on a year round swim team plus the high school swim team (state champs year after year,2-3 hrs of practice 6x/wk), oh and piano too. Plus all the turmoil of a new baby sister and his parents getting divorced. Half way through Junior year he just couldn't take it anymore. Marching Band and High School Swim are both Fall things and he could no longer juggle both and have time for school work. So he dropped band, then after this summer's big performing tour in Europe he dropped the jazz program. He still swims, went to state as usual, they won as usual. But he is back to being the calm, zen kid he used to be and his grades have come back up. He figures he has a lifetime to be a stressed out adult, it can wait. I'm an involved parent, just as a supporter. My boys know they can count on me to be there if they need me, but I give them their space and slowly let go of those strings. They understand that D3 requires more of my time.

Best of luck to you moving forward in your life. And it's easy to get rid of those few gray hairs, I prefer Loreal, LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 2:01pm

I will keep you posted. The support here is so wonderful. Sometimes I feel like my friends where I live get a little sick of hearing all of my garbage. I know it is hard to relate to unless you have really been there. I also think sometimes they are a little jealous. I get an opportunity to do whatever I want, make a clean start.

Thanks soooo much for your support. I am off to book spring break for me and the kids!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 2:30pm

"I just feel like my kids (as well as his) have had no say in what has happened to their life. I know my kids being typical teenagers don't want to hang out with a 6 and 7 year old."

My mom was a singal mom who got married when I was 15. He had no kids and I was the only child. but at that point in my teenager time I loved kids I always have. and I would have loved to have a littler brother or sister to chill with even if it was for a few hours.

How do your kids feel about you dating??? If they don't have a problem with you dating ask them would they be willing to go out and meet the kids. You guys need to know how the kids are going to get a long with each other before you make any big steps to do anything.

I thought it was cool that I was going to have a "father" I grew up with out one. I hated him for a while but once I moved out all is fine and we get a long very well. My mom's motto was "You can give us your opinion but you necessarly get a vote. "
but there are a lot of things that I wish my mom had at least asked my opinion on. It would have made me feel that I had a say in my life too!

Also let you SO know that you are all your kids have and they are going to be first.
I have made it a point to any one that I date that my kids come first and if they couldl not handle that then maybe we should not see each other.

Have they met your SO and have you asked them how they felt about SO and how they would feel about someone you were dating having younger kids? Make it clear that their opinions matter but that does not mean that it is going to change your mind about things that go on. and that you will use you judgement and ect ect ect...

IMHO

Julie mom of Nate 2 and Kait 7 (who sometimes thinks that my 7 year old is going on 15)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 8:10pm

I'm just catching up on the thread. You are a catch. Definitely, leave the boyfriend and do not look back. The anger will only get worse and worse.

You can find someone who lives closer to you. You can also find someone whose kid situation matches up with your own. You, for sure, can find someone who will not blow up at you.

Hang out with your kids. Take a short break from dating (maybe a month or two) and start looking for some other man. You'll feel so much better if you do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 9:13pm

The situation part is the key.

I was just sitting at my son's football game tonight and thought - when my son goes off to college, I doubt if I would want to date someone with much younger kids and have to start that mess all over again.

I think our dear OP needs to find a man who will sweep her off her feet and take her on a cruise after her kids go to college!

This is probably a huge blessing in disguise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 9:51pm

Thanks all!

I love the person that I got to know over the past 14 months but.... the person I saw yesterday I did not recognize nor did I like. I am sure I am a little hyper-sensitive but my ex had a bad temper and was very narcassistic (sp?). I can't and won't go down that road again. I am not saying he has those negative traits but the temper and lack of empathy really worries me. I have skipped the past few horseshows with my daughter which have been out of town, and just sent her with her trainer so I could have some time with my SO. He does not see the sacrifices that I have made and he is asking me to make even more. My son just made the top AAU basketball team and I will be busy with that. I am suppose to ask him to miss a game or practice so he can hang with his kids??

I think you are right, I should take a break from men and just focus on my kids. They are such a joy! Even though they are teenagers they aren't that moody, brooding, typical teenager.

I am soooo looking forward to Spring Break with my kids. I am going to cherish the time that the 3 of us are going to have together.

Pages