My new BF is going to visit his son?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2008
My new BF is going to visit his son?
11
Mon, 11-03-2008 - 1:50am

I have been dating a great guy for about seven months, and he has a son who lives on the opposite coast from us. He is going back to see his son, who is only two. His son's mother refuses to let his son come stay with him, so his only option is to go back east to visit his son. What bothers me is that he had made plans to go back there, and stay with a friend, but now his friend is no longer an option to stay with. He already bought his plane ticket, and he is still going, but he is planning on staying with his son's mother. He swears that he will be staying on the couch...but I don't know what to do. I want to trust him, but not sure if I do? I certainly don't trust her, because he has showed me some of the text messages she has sent him. What would you do?

He was upfront with me when his plans changed and let me know that he would be staying with her. Had he not told me that I would have never known he was staying with her. He swears things between them are over and done with, but I am just uncomfortable with the situation. At the same time, there isn't much I can do...he is going either way. So what do I do? My only option is to break up with him...and I don't want to be presumptuous and dump him for an act he hasn't committed....but at the same time am I being naive for thinking this is innocent?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Mon, 11-03-2008 - 7:04am

First of all, no you are not naive at all. This is a difficult situation and you are right to be concerned. This can go either way. But I think mostly that the divorce means closure and its over. Plus they live on opposite ends of the country which makes it even more over. What were the texts like? Were they just rude or inappropriate? I think youre best course of action is to discuss this with your BF and let him know you are not comfortable with the situation. God knows, not many of us here would be. Its an awkward situation he has put you in.

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 11-03-2008 - 8:05am

"My only option is to break up with him" ?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2008
Mon, 11-03-2008 - 8:11am

I just went thru this exact thing with my bf. EHS went to visit his DD and stayed with the xw and ils. I was uncomfortable but realized that its about the kid not about the grown-ups/parents. yeah they are going to be talking, eating together, etc but their relationship is over and he has moved on. And better yet he has moved on WITH YOU!!!


Wait till he comes back. Give him time to recoupe after the visit. Its like vacation but at the same time when he comes home he's going to be missing his son. He might be moppy. EHS was and needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2008
Mon, 11-03-2008 - 9:04am
I think breaking up with him is a rather extreme option myself. Yes, a hotel was out of his price range, he got laid off from his job just after he bought his ticket. That was the whole reason he was having to stay with a friend in the first place. Now the friend is going to be out of the country, so staying at his place isn't an option. He has made some phone calls to see who else in the area he can stay with, but right now it seems his only viable option is his ex. I do understand that he misses his son terribly, and he has been an upstanding guy, so I think my only option is to trust him. It's just scary! And yes she has sent him many text messages telling him she loves him, calling him a cheater for dating me etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Mon, 11-03-2008 - 8:13pm
From my experience a man who was planning to cheat wouldn't tell you he was staying with her. Trust him unless he gives you a reason not to. From what you said he is being open and honest. No matter how uncomfortable it is for you or for him the most important person in this situation is his son. Don't break up with him for something he hasn't done.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
Mon, 11-03-2008 - 8:37pm

Hi cat lady :-)


I am having some ex issues myself, and I know it is not easy...but...if your bf has not given you any reason not to trust him...then wait and see.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Mon, 11-03-2008 - 9:04pm

I think dumping him, is NOT an option.

[ ~*~Lisa~*~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 11-03-2008 - 10:59pm

My ex seldom comes to visit the kids, even though he only lives two hours away. But when he does, he winds up sleeping on the couch here. I try to leave and stay at my brothers house if I can. God knows there is NO hanky panky going on between us, it's all about the kids. I hate it, but it is only overnight. I can't figure out why his girlfriend puts up with it, but that is another story.

I wouldn't necessarily break up with him about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2008
Wed, 11-05-2008 - 12:37am
So he left this morning, and we had a convo where I flat out asked him what he was planning on doing with her, since she makes no bones about the fact that she is excited he is coming to stay "with her". Notice the difference in their thought processes? He is going to see his son (at least that is what he says), and she thinks he is coming to see her...hence my concern. His response? "I HOPE nothing happens between us" Are you freakin kidding me...he "hopes" nothing happens???? LMAO...I told him he is a single man and he can do whatever he wants with her, so then he started back tracking, saying he was kidding, and nothing is going to happen...yeah right. As of now it is 12:35am their time, and she went through his phone, found my number and called me to find out who I am...I told her I was his GF..and she flipped out and started screaming at him about cheating on her etc....can you say NEXT! WTF is with men who aren't with the mother of their children, but don't move on from them?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 11-05-2008 - 12:56am

Ugh- next is RIGHT! Who needs that! Obviously he wasn't straight with her about the gf situation or she wouldn't have freaked like that!

Good for you following your gut!


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