My OLD process

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
My OLD process
30
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 5:28pm
Ok Ladies... This is what I found that works for me when trying to 'weed out' the guys on any one of these dating sites...
I really read their profiles #1. I take it apart, figure out what their saying because I've found that the way men write is pretty much the way they are in person. Like a man who has many spelling errors in his profile, and doesn't put much care into it, is pretty much a slob in person, and doesn't pay attention to detail. Same goes for someone who writes LONNNGGGG profiles, you can pretty much bet that he is either 1) into himself and is into impressing others or 2) just likes to control the conversation. I've also found that men have a hard time lying on these things.. They will use old pictures for sure, but when it comes to the nitty gritty, they aren't too savvy..;)
Ok, once we get through the winking ,flirting etc..etc.. I tend to send a couple e-mails first to get a feel of their writing ability, and length.. A man (for me) who can't carry on a conversation e-mail or otherwise, is a waste of time for me..so e-mailing him a few times to see the length and substance (with me it's always about SUBSTANCE!) of the e-mail body..IF he holds up in that areana, I go to IM (now this process could be in a day or a week) depends on the circumstance... Once I IM with a guy, i tend to do this as long as it takes for me to feel comfortable with him. Once it took me over 7 months to get comfortable calling a guy... (and to this day we still haven't met) BIG SIGN there..lol OK SO HERE IS THE KICKER ..IF a guy stays on with you and IM's for a bit.. let's just say 1 week chatting here and there...(I've noticed that men will be VERY quick to want to call...) being a single mom, i'm VERY CAREFUL about who i give out a number to.. SO if he is AT ALL a GOOD Guy, he will understand and NOT push the issue anymore and will wait until I'm comfortable enough to give out my number.. THIS GIRLS ,has ALWAYS WORKED with me. I can tell if a guy will be a good one if he respects (key word here) my feelings....
IF he pushes the issue at any time during that IM, He's gone for me. I"ve never regretted letting go of a guy at this stage.. SO...Once the phone call comes around.. we could talk for a week say.. and then maybe set up a date the following week or week after.. 80% of the time, this process works. I end up going out on a nice date, regardless of whether or not it goes any further, there aren't any really dangerous psychotic men that I have dated with this process..
SO there you have it ladies..:) It could be lengthy-er but i'm outta time.. and gotta catch the train for home! Talk to you ya'll tomorrow!
ENJOY!
LISA

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 10:48pm

This is very good, Lisa!! Very good.

I have found that the ones who are impatient to get to the first meeting are usually out just for the sex and don't want a relationship.

Keep us posted on your experiences!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 8:50am

Why Thank you! I have also noticed that when a guy starts calling you 'hon' and 'sweetie', beautiful' etc....that is also a huge red flag.. As well as TOO many compliments. I mean reall, c'mon.. we all now that we are attractive on SOME level, but when they start throwing around the 'you are just amazing' when they've only met you once is a bit rediculous..lol.

Ok, by the way, I have to come clean.. I've just put my profile back up on yahoo to see what kind of 'bites' i get.. .....*sigh*... i'm just pitiful...lol...I've been off for about 2 months.. ready to get back on again.. oh well... such is life..:)

Been also thinking about posting a dating diary on the other Ivillage board.. I read a few last night, and they were quite enjoyable to read.. we'll see...

Ok, enough blabbering..lol..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 1:01pm
Funny you should mention that, I was feeling sorry for my lack of dating last night and put profiles on BOTH match and yahoo! Who knows, but I'm sick of worrying about not having a date every stinking weekend. It seems like all of a sudden, all of my tried and true single gal pals are suddenly coupled up, too. Hmmm, we'll see how internet dating works for me. I've only done yahoo once before, and never paid for a subscription before, so we'll see if that makes any difference, since it never really got me anywhere. Maybe now that I'm fully ready to date and know what I'm looking for, I'll be more open to meeting the right types of guys for me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 1:47pm

Yup, I hear ya on that one! It's like I have these 'waves' of tolerance for internet dating.. after about ohh 4-5 months, AT BEST, I get sooo fed up with the entire dating scene, and take my profile off, swear off men, and the whole BS-ness of it all, and ironically, THAT's when I end up actively dating men.. And they come from everywhere..

It'so crazy..like for instance, this past couple of months, I was like "OK, I"M DONE with all ths crap...and about a week later, I get a call from a friend that I met on Yahoo that at the time dating just didn't fit into his schedule, calls me up and wants to start 'exploring' the possibility of dating again..So, ok,, great.. THEN, I get an IM from an old 'chatter' who kind of fell off the face of the earth (too bad he didn't stay there) back in NOV, and we got together a couple of times as well..(which that just fell apart)and on top of THAT one, I am also dating a guy that is going absolutely no where, but I'm still with him because we just have plain old fun together...It's just so rediculous but I know that right now these guys are 'fillers' for me... god, I hope that doesn't sound bad...It's like I have this split personality that one side says, "go for it stupid, men do it all the time" then the other side said, "Why on god's green earth are you wasting your time?!" lol...It's a constant battle I tell ya...BUT, I figure, I"m having fun, and I will SO know when the right guy comes along...I am definately looking for a committed relationship.. (Sorrry, Rambling again..)

I do find that the guys on Yahoo, are a bit better than the ones on MATCH.. I don't know why, but I just find that they are a bit more 'normal' whatever realm that's in! Lol.. And having no dates on the weekend does SUK! I feel for ya....I think that if you have an open mind FIRST about dating in itself is a big plus...and SECOND, know what type of guy you're looking for, then you will have a much easier time 'weeding' through the hits you get and the ones you send out...Have fun with it! :) Just be selective. Trust me, it's worth it in the long run.. AND go with your GUT.. it will NEVER lead you wrong...:)

If you want, you can check out my profile.. it's under Simplicity is Best... Let me know wht you think...
GOOD LUCK with it all!
Lisa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 2:11pm
You know, at this point, all I want is to have fun with it all. I'd love to get involved in a relationship, long term. But I've never in my life dated several guys and found out what I really liked. Does that make sense? It's always been long term from the get-go for me, and I think that's been my downfall. That, and the fact that the guys and I were just not right for each other, but we tried to be, which made for long-term disasters, not relationships.
So, I'm young, I'm single, and I WANT to date, but I live in a TINY town. I work in a slightly, very slightly, larger town. It's very hard for me to meet new men. Between work and the kids, I have very little free time, and I usually spend it with my friends, because I feel like that's my comfort zone. I'm working on getting outside that. I have read that you need to go to the places where people like you are to meet the people you're compatible with, so I'm trying to.
Sorry for the tangent, I was just getting to my point, which is, for me, I'm trying internet dating because I've found it incredilby hard to meet new people because of the size of my town, and the fact that I don't get out much without the kids to places where I'd be likely to meet new people. So, we'll see if this works.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 2:47pm

I think the road that you're moving on is right for you..You are clear about what happened in the past, and are moving in a different direction. Smart move. I used to be that way too, when I was younger (i'm 39) I would move from one long term relationship to another never 'playing the field'..but started to when I divorced my 1st husband, and didn't get into a long term relationship until my 2nd husband (which should have NEVER happened). I'm still out there now playing the field having fun (sometimes) with OLD..

I used to live in a small town too, yeah, SLIM PICKIN's there...yeah you kinda have to branch out a bit to find someone who will better match your needs/personality..again, smart move.

No problem on the tangent.. rattle on as much as you need too! :) I think there are some good points to internet dating, and can relate to why you're trying it...when you can't get out because of kids etc.. opening up your e-mail and finding a wink or a letter of interest, is exciting.. regarless of who it is..ya know? I hope that makes sense..;)

You'll be fine.. :) you have the right head about it, and know what you want..

:)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 3:59pm

Just so you know, my very abusive ex-husband is on those sites. If you read his profile I think he would meet your screening requirements. In e-mails he would probably pass as well. He is a polished executive that takes a lot of pride in his presentaion. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing (desinger clothing at that) He lied through his teeth on what he brings and looks for in a relationship. The rest of the stuff he told the truth on. Could easily be smoked screened by him.

Just a warning. Not all book jackets represent the content in the book. Get to know a stranger well before getting into a relationship with them. Even those you don't meet on the internet. This theory applies to all new men that come into your life.

Sorry if I seem negative. A friend found a new profile on him. I feel so sorry for the woman who falls for it and just wish I could warn her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 4:14pm

Do you mean that you never casually dated enough to find out what your "have to have and cannot stand" lists were?

Keep us posted on your experiences - we love to hear stories!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 4:16pm

That is scary!!

Do you feel that you saw hints of the abuse in the beginning? Do you mind sharing so we can learn from you?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 4:40pm

You should post the link to his profile.. Just so we can all be aware of this jerk. Yeah, I know there are alot of men out there who are VERY polished and in designer sheeps clothing, and my exh is one of those men, accept he just looks like the sheep..(maine-ers go figure..eeheh..) He is extremely manipulative, and extremely educated, so he comes across as a very put together, well spoken man (especially when pushed up against a wall i.e. court, law, etc..). When otherwise is a very devious man. ok, enough of that..

Yeah, men are scary, and yes, there are alot of bad ones out there, but if i go into every meeting like this guy is my exhusband, I'll scare alot of the good ones away..so, I go into it with a VERY open mind, and rely alot on my instinct, and invisible ante..if you know what I mean..eventually every wolf comes out of sheeps clothes, and truth will be shown..I feel that I am smart enough, and strong enough to know that I WILL NOT be controlled, manipulated or physically abused (not that I was, because NO man would dare to even TRY To hit me) by another wolf (already married one, so my sense of smell is VERY KEEN)
Thank you for the imput, and I am really wondering what this wolf looks like...
And yeah, every system has it's margin of error, and like I said, it works 80% of the time..the really slimy ones can get through sometimes.. but they are soon squashed! :) heheheh... (evil laugh)

Stay strong.. :)Sounds like you've been through alot...

Lisa

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