My OLD process

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
My OLD process
30
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 5:28pm
Ok Ladies... This is what I found that works for me when trying to 'weed out' the guys on any one of these dating sites...
I really read their profiles #1. I take it apart, figure out what their saying because I've found that the way men write is pretty much the way they are in person. Like a man who has many spelling errors in his profile, and doesn't put much care into it, is pretty much a slob in person, and doesn't pay attention to detail. Same goes for someone who writes LONNNGGGG profiles, you can pretty much bet that he is either 1) into himself and is into impressing others or 2) just likes to control the conversation. I've also found that men have a hard time lying on these things.. They will use old pictures for sure, but when it comes to the nitty gritty, they aren't too savvy..;)
Ok, once we get through the winking ,flirting etc..etc.. I tend to send a couple e-mails first to get a feel of their writing ability, and length.. A man (for me) who can't carry on a conversation e-mail or otherwise, is a waste of time for me..so e-mailing him a few times to see the length and substance (with me it's always about SUBSTANCE!) of the e-mail body..IF he holds up in that areana, I go to IM (now this process could be in a day or a week) depends on the circumstance... Once I IM with a guy, i tend to do this as long as it takes for me to feel comfortable with him. Once it took me over 7 months to get comfortable calling a guy... (and to this day we still haven't met) BIG SIGN there..lol OK SO HERE IS THE KICKER ..IF a guy stays on with you and IM's for a bit.. let's just say 1 week chatting here and there...(I've noticed that men will be VERY quick to want to call...) being a single mom, i'm VERY CAREFUL about who i give out a number to.. SO if he is AT ALL a GOOD Guy, he will understand and NOT push the issue anymore and will wait until I'm comfortable enough to give out my number.. THIS GIRLS ,has ALWAYS WORKED with me. I can tell if a guy will be a good one if he respects (key word here) my feelings....
IF he pushes the issue at any time during that IM, He's gone for me. I"ve never regretted letting go of a guy at this stage.. SO...Once the phone call comes around.. we could talk for a week say.. and then maybe set up a date the following week or week after.. 80% of the time, this process works. I end up going out on a nice date, regardless of whether or not it goes any further, there aren't any really dangerous psychotic men that I have dated with this process..
SO there you have it ladies..:) It could be lengthy-er but i'm outta time.. and gotta catch the train for home! Talk to you ya'll tomorrow!
ENJOY!
LISA

boston.png Boston Girl image by EmmaLee192

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 4:50pm

I never mind sharing!

Yes I saw the signs but ignored them. He was very controlling. After we got married the verbal abuse started. The day he put his hands on me was the day I decided to leave. I was 24 when I met him and he was 30. I just wasn't expereinced enough to understand that his jealousy and controlling nature were not "intense love and passion"

How it started was that one by one he isolated me from my friends until I didn't talk to any of them anymore. It was done slowly but by the time we were married year I had no outside life. Then his job moved us and it got worse. We moved again a second time taking us far away from our families. About 9 months after we had moved here he dragged me out of the bed by my ankles and attacked me in a drunken rage calling me any word associated with "whore" I called my father and got a loan for a retainer and hired an attorney.

I am still legally married to him although seperated for 18 months. Divorce will be final in April. We have a son. On both listings I have seen, he says he is divorced with no children. Nice huh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 5:00pm

"He was very controlling" - give us examples!! This is good learning for us!!

I think you made a good decision to get out!! And that is too crazy that he lies on his profile about the kids. Anyone who lies about anything online is no good in my book. Ditto with the "I'll tell you laters" - the only question that is allowed in my book is the income.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 5:01pm

I would love to post his link but since I have some papers that still need his signature and our divorce is not final until April (18 months of stalling on his part) I don't think it would be in my best interest. Unfortunately not all women believe other women. Some of us tend to want to believe the rich decent looking guy with a great job can't be horrible!

However he lives in St Loius MO and is on match and eharmony is 38 saying he is divorced with no children. We have a son. So if you live is St. Louis and on those sites beware. He recently relocated there for his job.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 5:08pm

Sorry about that.. nope I live in BOSTON..

I BELIEVE YOU!! best of luck with everything you are going through, and you are VERY STRONG!!! :)

Take care
lisa

boston.png Boston Girl image by EmmaLee192

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 5:24pm
Well, I found out what my "have to have and can not stand" lists were, but not until recently. I never casually dated AT ALL. I was 14 when I met DS's father, married at 19, divorced at 20, into the next LTR at 21, and that lasted 3 years. Then I took a break, figured out who I was, concentrated on the kids, and paid absolutely NO attention to guys. I lost a lot of baby weight, worked on my health, played with my friends, and have just been having the time of my life. Men have been flocking to me for the past couple of years. Now that I've decided I'm ready willing and able to date again, the men have all gone away (I like to think of them as geese, and they've all gone south for the winter whenever I'm dating... might have something to do with the view from my office window)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 8:59pm

Your geese analogy is hilarious!! I will have to remember that one!!

They will come back for sure. You sound like your head is in a great place. I am similar - have been living my life fully by myself. Have accomplished a lot and love it. Only get lonely sometimes on the weekends. But my independence spoils me now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 12:34pm

Here are just some of the things he did to "control" me:

1. I was not allowed to talk on the phone at night to anyone that wasn't family and even then it was to be short. (when I say night I mean after work)

2. If we were in a restaurant and we had a male server, I could not address or look at the server. he ordered for me.

3. I was never allowed out of the house without him or my son. When I went to the gym or weight watchers meetings, I had to take my son.

4. I had to call every day as I was leaving work to let him know I was on my way home. I also had to tell him what I planned to make for dinner that night and get his approval.

5. I was not allowed to purchase anything for myself without him knowing about it. For example, I bought a CD once and forget to tell him and when he found it in my car he flipped out and called me a liar and a sneak.

6. He purchased all my clothes.

7. When we relocated the last time, he moved ahead of me and DS about 6 weeks. My parents wanted to spend some time with DS before we moved so DS went to stay with them for a week. Some friends from work invited me to happy hour and I went. The bar was loud and I didn't hear my cell phone. He called my mom and then called the local police to have them find me. When I spoke to him next he was enraged beyond belief. "I leave

8. When I lost the baby weight, he was insanely jealous. He would yell and scream at me that I was starving myself and demand I eat more. It was either eat or suffer his wrath.

9. Whenever we moved to a new town, I tried to make friends with the neighbors. He would always find something wrong with one of the people in the couple so we could not socialize with them. He always managed to isolate me.

This isn't everything but you get the idea. My personal favorite was when he wanted to have sex and I refused, he would throw a three hour temper tantrum and called me every name in the book. At one point he staring saying horrible things about my mother and family. That was near the end. I always knew when I heard the words "it's a wife obligation to satisfy her husband" that it was either give in for the 7 or so minutes it would take to be over with or put up with 3 hours of verbal abuse. I usually chose the 7 minutes and just got sick to my stomach. Thought that was way better than being exhausted the next day from listening to him scream at me.

It was this exact conversation that took place when I told him I wanted out. He started with the "wife's obligation" lecture and said "well, then I guess I just don't want to be your wife anymore because you will never touch me like that again." The look on his face was priceless

And by the way, when I said "had" above it was either do what he wanted or be verbally tortured and screamed at for hours and days on end. After the first year or two of marriage I found it was easier to just give in. Of course my baby had a lot to do with that. I knew when I was pregnant that it was going to be bad. I was 7 months preggo and huge and he accused me of staring at some men that were in a parking lot we drove by. It was 9:00 at night and pitch black out. I didn't even see any men. I was just looking out the window. He went nuts yelling and pushing me, saying what a "disrespectful whore" I was. All I could think was "what man wants to sleep with a fat 7 months pregnant woman?" I threw a cold pot of water at him to get him to stop pushing me. I was worried about the baby. I worked but he was pissed and left, leaving me to clean up a huge mess.

He eventually put his hands on me while we are on vacation. He was drunk and upset about some guy I dated when I was 20. I was 32 at this point. I think in the back of my mind I knew the situation would move to that. The only other time he put his hands on me was when he was jealous about something (not sure what) and I was wearing an oversized men's button down shirt as a sleep shirt. He ripped open the shirt popping all the buttons and left me standing there naked telling me what a fat whore I was. So I knew something worse would come but I stayed for DS hoping it would get better. tried counseling and it worked temporarily. But after that fateful night on vacation, I was leaving. You can never get away from that type of rage and if I stayed he would have killed me eventually. That I am sure of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 1:43pm

All I can say is Oh my god. You were very lucky to get out when you did, and yes, you could see it progressing to that point of fatality.

He is a very sick man to say the least. I just am blown away...There is so much going on in my head, but I can't get it all out..It's just so scary. I'm so glad that you are safe, and that you are AWAY from that monster. Does DS have any contact with him? Do you have a restraining order on him? I am surprised that he didn't pull the "you're not leaving me" dangerous stuff that usually goes on with men like him.

My Xh was more of a mind manipulator. He loved to screw with your head. He would manipulate things so slightly that you wouldn't even know it until it already happened. It wasn't physical at all, partly because he knew I could kick his a$$ if he ever laid a hand on me, and that just wasn't his style.

He would make up reasons why things had to be HIS way, and made perfect sense, until it happened, and they it left me saying "wait a minute"....He did this constantly..We lived in RURAL Maine, and slowly over the years, he made it a point to always have his things taken care of, i.e. bills, car payments, loans etc.. MY credit and bills were left aside until we 'had the money' so my credit went down the toilet. He got me into a place where I lost myself.. I lost who I was (VERY INDEPENDANT, STRONG WILLED, OPINIONATED) and started depending on him for everything. He eventually used me for just HIS needs when it came to sex...I was just an outlet, he got on, got off, then went to sleep.. made me sick to my stomach...

It finally hit me when one night we were at dinner with my folks, and he was talking to my father about getting me a credit card to build up my credit,,(this of course was after I borrowed money from my mother to pay off my credit debt) and he says to him.. "We're going to get Lisa an AmEX card, and start her off slowly..." I turned and said, "I don't want an AMEX card, I can't stand that credit card". NO, I'm not getting one." He turned and said to my dad, "Well, we'll see..." .. F*# that! The look that was on my folks faces was sheer shock about his comments. (they know how I am, and would never stand for something like that) That was the beginning of the end for me. A month later we were separated (yes, I threw a pot of cold water at my ex too, because he wouldn't lay off, and warned him to back off 3x before doing so)I look back now, and I see the person that almost drowned..
Ya know, the ironic thing was, when I moved up there, I walked out on our deck, and thought to myself, I could just die here.. I almost did.

BEST OF LUCK to you and your DS...you are MUCH STRONGER than I implied in my last post.
I have the UTMOST respect for you!

Lisa

boston.png Boston Girl image by EmmaLee192

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 3:48pm

Thank you for the compliments. I guess I just want to clarify one thing, there were signs before a married him. Lots of little signs that if I was paying attention I would have completely walked away. In addition I was too young and inexperienced.

To answer your questions, no I do not have a restraining order. For the outsider looking in I was married to a wealthy, successful polished man who had the right education and wore the best suits. I had no physical evidence and he is very slick.

As for my son, he has not seen his dad in 3 months. The calls come less and less. Last time he talked to his dad was Sunday and that was for 5 minutes. He won't talk to him before Sunday this weekend because we are going out of town tonight. DS doesn't ever pick up the phone and call his dad and he knows his phone number. Part of me believes he understands why mommy left daddy even though he doesn't like it. My ex would never hurt his son. That would be too embarrassing for him. I would call Social Srvs in a minute. Plus the only reason he even has contact with DS is to appease his mother and look like the "good father" to others. He pays his hefty child support payment albeit late every month. Cause I'll put his butt in jail if he doesn't and again too embarrassing.

I hope if someone reads this thread and sees some of their relationship in mine they will get out. I too was a strong, opinionated and smart woman. I lost that to him and the day he moved out, I got it back and she is not going ANYWHERE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 8:54pm

That was a very bad experience for you and you are amazing that you could have the strength and faith to get out.

Thank goodness you are okay and safe now.

What were the red flags you saw before you married? Those will be so useful for us. I praise you for sharing so that we can all learn.

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