My OLD process
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My OLD process
| Tue, 03-07-2006 - 5:28pm |
Ok Ladies... This is what I found that works for me when trying to 'weed out' the guys on any one of these dating sites...
I really read their profiles #1. I take it apart, figure out what their saying because I've found that the way men write is pretty much the way they are in person. Like a man who has many spelling errors in his profile, and doesn't put much care into it, is pretty much a slob in person, and doesn't pay attention to detail. Same goes for someone who writes LONNNGGGG profiles, you can pretty much bet that he is either 1) into himself and is into impressing others or 2) just likes to control the conversation. I've also found that men have a hard time lying on these things.. They will use old pictures for sure, but when it comes to the nitty gritty, they aren't too savvy..;)
Ok, once we get through the winking ,flirting etc..etc.. I tend to send a couple e-mails first to get a feel of their writing ability, and length.. A man (for me) who can't carry on a conversation e-mail or otherwise, is a waste of time for me..so e-mailing him a few times to see the length and substance (with me it's always about SUBSTANCE!) of the e-mail body..IF he holds up in that areana, I go to IM (now this process could be in a day or a week) depends on the circumstance... Once I IM with a guy, i tend to do this as long as it takes for me to feel comfortable with him. Once it took me over 7 months to get comfortable calling a guy... (and to this day we still haven't met) BIG SIGN there..lol OK SO HERE IS THE KICKER ..IF a guy stays on with you and IM's for a bit.. let's just say 1 week chatting here and there...(I've noticed that men will be VERY quick to want to call...) being a single mom, i'm VERY CAREFUL about who i give out a number to.. SO if he is AT ALL a GOOD Guy, he will understand and NOT push the issue anymore and will wait until I'm comfortable enough to give out my number.. THIS GIRLS ,has ALWAYS WORKED with me. I can tell if a guy will be a good one if he respects (key word here) my feelings....
IF he pushes the issue at any time during that IM, He's gone for me. I"ve never regretted letting go of a guy at this stage.. SO...Once the phone call comes around.. we could talk for a week say.. and then maybe set up a date the following week or week after.. 80% of the time, this process works. I end up going out on a nice date, regardless of whether or not it goes any further, there aren't any really dangerous psychotic men that I have dated with this process..
SO there you have it ladies..:) It could be lengthy-er but i'm outta time.. and gotta catch the train for home! Talk to you ya'll tomorrow!
ENJOY!
LISA
I really read their profiles #1. I take it apart, figure out what their saying because I've found that the way men write is pretty much the way they are in person. Like a man who has many spelling errors in his profile, and doesn't put much care into it, is pretty much a slob in person, and doesn't pay attention to detail. Same goes for someone who writes LONNNGGGG profiles, you can pretty much bet that he is either 1) into himself and is into impressing others or 2) just likes to control the conversation. I've also found that men have a hard time lying on these things.. They will use old pictures for sure, but when it comes to the nitty gritty, they aren't too savvy..;)
Ok, once we get through the winking ,flirting etc..etc.. I tend to send a couple e-mails first to get a feel of their writing ability, and length.. A man (for me) who can't carry on a conversation e-mail or otherwise, is a waste of time for me..so e-mailing him a few times to see the length and substance (with me it's always about SUBSTANCE!) of the e-mail body..IF he holds up in that areana, I go to IM (now this process could be in a day or a week) depends on the circumstance... Once I IM with a guy, i tend to do this as long as it takes for me to feel comfortable with him. Once it took me over 7 months to get comfortable calling a guy... (and to this day we still haven't met) BIG SIGN there..lol OK SO HERE IS THE KICKER ..IF a guy stays on with you and IM's for a bit.. let's just say 1 week chatting here and there...(I've noticed that men will be VERY quick to want to call...) being a single mom, i'm VERY CAREFUL about who i give out a number to.. SO if he is AT ALL a GOOD Guy, he will understand and NOT push the issue anymore and will wait until I'm comfortable enough to give out my number.. THIS GIRLS ,has ALWAYS WORKED with me. I can tell if a guy will be a good one if he respects (key word here) my feelings....
IF he pushes the issue at any time during that IM, He's gone for me. I"ve never regretted letting go of a guy at this stage.. SO...Once the phone call comes around.. we could talk for a week say.. and then maybe set up a date the following week or week after.. 80% of the time, this process works. I end up going out on a nice date, regardless of whether or not it goes any further, there aren't any really dangerous psychotic men that I have dated with this process..
SO there you have it ladies..:) It could be lengthy-er but i'm outta time.. and gotta catch the train for home! Talk to you ya'll tomorrow!
ENJOY!
LISA


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I would say, jealousy and insecurity. For example, we worked together except he worked the day shift amd I worked the 2nd shift. The 2nd shift had 4 or 5 managers that always worked that shift and we were a pretty tight group. (we worked a a hotel) The bar manager was a tall dark and handsome kind of guy. Every day at 4pm, all the managers met in the General Manager's office to review that day's events and any other issues. We typically had to drag chairs in to make room. At the end of one of the meetings, the bar manager, restaurant manager and my ex were taking the chairs out and putting them back. My ex told the bar manager to stay away from me and that I was his and to keep his hands to himself. The bar manager replied "um, your girlfriend really isn't my type, but you are so how about it? She doesn't need to know!" My ex didn't realize the bar manager was gay (everyone else knew). He then freaked out of course because he is a homophobe. I thought it was hysterical. I never thought to ask why he felt the need to mark me as his territory like he was a dog peeing on "his spot"
He constantly found ways to change my appearance like my makeup and clothes. It was never big deals just little things. At a concert we were at, I was talking to a guy I knew from college. I am a huge flirt and come from a touchy feeling family. I'm not sure exactly what I did, I think put my arm around him or trouched his face, and ex pitched a fit. My best friends boyfriend was with us. He told ex that I used to date his roommate and that I have always been a flirt and will probably always be one. However, he also told him I was the best girlfriend his roommate ever had and I was loyal to a fault. My ex was still pissed. I think I blamed myself when things like this happened because all my female friends said I shouldn't "flirt" around him and if their boyfriends paid too much attention to some other girl they would be pissed.
I have come to realize that I am who I am. I have to be with a man who believes in himself and our relationship to have a little faith in me. My bf is very touchy feeling and has lots of female friends. He hugs on them all the time and it doesn't cause me to pause. I hug all my friends, both male and female and bf thinks nothing of it.
I hope in all my posting I don't sound like a victim. I was not a victim. I made a conscious (although stupid) decision to stay married because that's what I thought was best for my son. I always knew the last two years or so of my marriage that the things I chose to do (like hiring a baysitter on a night he had to work and going with some girl friends to a concert) was going to result in a negative consequence. I chose to stay and try to make the best of it. When I realized I couldn't anymore, I left. When you are done, you are done and no man will ever put their hands on me and get away with it.
I will say this, nobody ever believes me until they experience his rage. Out of everything, that was what bothered me the most. After some time and soul searching I have realized that I do not need others acceptance of what happened. I know it is hard for people who know me to believe that such a strong willed, intelligent, pain in the butt woman could put up with that. I did but only because I didn't want my son to suffer for my bad decisions. I no longer need validation from others. If anyone reads these posts and sees themselves, I hope they realize the same. Nobody understands you until they walk in your shoes. Do not seek understanding from someone who can't possible give it.
"Nobody understands you until they walk in your shoes. Do not seek understanding from someone who can't possible give it."
OMG - that is going to be my favorite quote. You are so wise, so strong, so brave. I really admire you and your story and this ending.
I hope all here really learned from this thread today as I have done.
Judy,
Thanks for listening. I am amazed at the incredible women I read about on this board every day. I believe part of my contentment is that i have settled into my own skin as it seems you have as well.
I hope all have a great week this week!
OMG, kps, I just moved away from a 10 year stay in St. Louis. Yikes. I don't live there now, but I went through almost the exact same type of relationship/marriage as you. My heart goes out to you. But also like you, I learned my lessons well and know all the red flags in a relationship and who to say "No thank you, Loser" to and mean it.
I usually post on the DASP board and Judy recommended this thread because I too, now live in a tiny town, have no desire to go to bars and my free time is monopolized by spending it with my family and my children, and have just signed up for match. (on sat) I have made lots of great friends over the internet, so why not try somewhere where someone has the potential of actually looking for the same things I am. Plus I have not dated in 4 years (three if you count the OYR) and it's time.
I am trying it for a month and we'll see how it goes. I am finding it highly entertaining to say the least!!
Nice to meet everyone! I will share stories here as they go! :) Good luck to all of us!!
--snow
kps, I just read your numbered list. My husband did every single thing on this list. He did not drink, but everything else was the same. Everything.
I know you have healed and come a long way, but here are some hugs anyway.
--snow
That's sweet! Thank you for thinking of me. It always amazes me when I hear there are other women that have experienced the same. I hope I raise a better man than that.
I know some will say I can't blame his mother but after going through the divorce process, I do blame his mother. She is an enabler. I have watched him do much the same to many of the members of his family and they just brush it under the rug and make excuses. I expect so much more from my son. I hope I am successful!
Definitely post your experiences. I love a good story especially a funny dating one.
I am not a fan of internet dating. With that being said I still do not know how people meet each other. Bars definitely are not the way to go.
My philosophy is that you have to go through life with an opne mind but cautious spirit. I am sure you know "the signs" now and can run. A leopard doesn't change their spots. If ex actually picks someone mature and intelligent she will see what I chose not to see and run for the hills. Plus if she is a single mom like us, she will see his lack of contact with his child and then when he blames me she will probably believe for a little while. Once they get more serious I am hopeful that she will start to ask me directly and I can set the record straight. Of course this is hypothetical since he has no one in his life.
I posted this on the DASP board, too, but I promised an update to my match.com experience, so I just wanted to share. :)--Enjoy and I appreciate any thoughts or comments.
So I had a few prospects, but I decided to hide my profile yesterday because I started talking to a guy who I have really clicked with. We have only emailed and IM-ed so far, but based on his writing and personality so far, I know I would have no problem meeting up with him.
He's not a drop dead gorgeous mchottie, but he is adorably attractive with dark hair, dark eyes and cute little glasses. (I like guys in cute little glasses for some reason, plus I wear glasses too--which I let him know, cause neither of my pics show me wearing glasses--simply because I don't have a nice pic of me that I am not wearing sunglasses in!) ;) His face is really sweet looking, so he's certainly not ugly.
Here's the good stuff about him: He's mature, kind, asked me tons of questions about what kind of relationship I am looking for, highly intelligent, has cracked me up laughing so hard my sides hurt several times. He knows what he wants out of life. He's respectful of me and loves the fact that I have kids. He also is concerned about my children's attachment should something go wrong and has the utmost respect for that. I clearly stated my feelings about my children not dating in my profile and he said that was one of the things that attracted him to me. He is not sure if he wants to have a child of his own--he said he doesn't mind either way, and that only time would tell if he found someone special to share his life and then he would discuss it from there.
He is a child psych major currently doing an internship at a clinic counseling kids who have emotional problems. He starts graduate school this fall and hopes to eventually run his own practice. Psychology was my original major, so I find that so attractive about him as well.
His money values and spending habits are similar to mine. He is an only child and grew up in the area all his life. (he lives 45 minutes from me) He and his parents have a good relationship and they also live in the area. He's been complimentary, but not overly weird about it. I was going to copy and paste his profile, but I just discovered he yanked his profile too! Awww! :)
I told him I am not into dating a bunch of different people at once because I wouldn't feel like it is fair, which he appreciated too. He said he's been on some dates where it's felt like an interview and he didn't enjoy that at all. He has never been married and has no children.
But here's the thing that might be an issue even though I don't see myself wanting to make it into one. It's a biggie though. A huge biggie. On the second night we IM-ed he said he wanted to be upfront about something. He proceeded to tell me that he has cerebal palsy and though it affects him only minorly he does sometimes have to rely on a wheelchair. He said he can walk, but he needs help, his upper body is completely normal, his speech is normal, he has all feeling in his arms and legs, he can drive, he lives on his own, and he can "perform normally" as well, though he was "professionaly discreet" about talking to me about that too. Very classy. He said he wanted to tell me upfront since he was really starting to like me and if this was going to be an issue he wanted to know even if it hurt because he didn't want to waste my time nor his own. He said that it has been with many girls he's met. Which I can totally see. He seems to have NONE of that "feel sorry for me" attitude. He comes across as self assured, a hard worker, and self-confident. I told him that I honestly don't know a lot about CP, but I do have a 13 year old cousin that has it, but it only affects one side of his body and he functions almost normally physically. (My cousin was also gifted with autism, bi-polar disorder, and asperger's, too so his CP is not nearly as outstanding as the whilrlwind of other life challenges he has to deal with. But all in all, he's a really good hearted kid and does pretty well most of the time.)
Anyway, currently, this really is the only issue with him and I don't see the point of letting it get in the way of someone who seems to be such a great (and normal) person with so much going for him both career wise and potential boyfriend wise. I am really looking forward to seeing where this goes. After all, I might not be the right person for him either. I also talked with my parents about him and my mom is pretty much of the same mind set as me--just stay honest and give it a try cause who knows? And what if it were someone without any physical limitations that I loved and then they did get into an accident, it wouldn't make me love them any less. The fact that he has had this all his life only makes it easier for him to deal with emotionally and physically as well.
So that's my update. :) I think we should be getting together for "dinner and a movie" sometime within the next few weeks if all continues well.
--snow
Snow-
Give him a chance. If you enjoy his company and everything feels right then date him. It sounds like it is not something that impacts his day to day activities enough for it to be an issue.
I know this may sound off but my only question would be intimacy. Not something you ask on a first date but still a question (he may have already told you) I was in a sexless marriage and it was hard emotionally. That would be a deal breaker but that's just me.
Well, he certainly sounds promising.
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