My own place
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| Sat, 12-18-2004 - 7:20pm |
I have been on my own (with dd) since I separated in September 2003. I am very comfortable in the home I have created with dd. I like my things, I like that I can have things however I want, I like that I don't have to check with anyone if I want to do something and I have the time and money, I like that my finances are my own business.
I want my relationship to work with my bf, because I love him and I would love to have another child. But it's hard to imagine living with a man again. What if his pets pee on my lovely white wool rug? Is he going to want to keep all his old, very very used towels? We would need another couch, will he like the same one I will like?
My department had a holiday party friday at one of our co-workers homes. She lives alone with her mother and it was obvious no guy lives there. She had such beautiful things and it was all so feminine. I keep picturing a life with just dd and me, buying a house and making it ours, having all girly things in it. It sounds nice.
Have any of you been on your own for a while, and then had a hard time living with a man again? Not because they are slobs or anything, but just because you enjoyed your independance and you had to give some of it up? I know if I end up with my bf, I will enjoy life with him, but there will be things I know now that will miss, and I never would have thought that a year or so ago.


I know exactly what you mean!
My boyfriend is moving in with me and I've put away some of the more "girly" things I had around, just to let him feel a little more comfortable. After living on my own for 2.5 years, I have grown quite comfortable with just my son. It's funny, cause I've never really lived JUST on my own since moving out of my parents years ago.. I had roommates and then Nicolas' dad, and then Nicolas.
I'm saving all those girly things in case one day I have a little girl, and would love to see my little figurines and china dolls on display in her room. My boyfriend and I have talked about marraige and having children together, so I know that it's a chance I could have a girl.
As for you, if you do move in with your boyfriend down the road, keep your girly things, and find a special spot for them in your home. If you two buy a house together, try to make a room or space that is just for you, and one that is just for him. That way you can both have a great little place to retreat to and won't clash in decorating styles. The rest of the house can be a mesh of both worlds.
Just don't rush into living together if you're clearly not ready yet. Yes, it's great to have them around, you don't want to strain things if you're not comfortable.
Thankfully I have found a great guy who isn't messy, pays his bills and helps out with my son. Also, one who is willing to move into a smaller two bedroom with us and get rid of most of his things- since mine are nicer LOL.
HUGS
Alison
I have certainly thought about that with different guys I've dated.
This last man, a year and a half, and we have somewhat similar tastes, but I still couldn't imagine combining households...how that would work and look.
I'm not even into "girly" things particularly. I like ethnic, artifacty things...Japanese things...shoji lamps, my futon, furoshiki on the wall, with a touch of southwestern here and there. Burgundy, deep green, gold and black colors. Really kind of a guy look. But STILL...how would I combine my stuff with anyone else's? And would I give up mine if he asked or didn't like it? That was a very divisive issue in my marriage, and I'd probably be stubborn about it.
Not to mention someone nosing into what I spend, again. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....
*sigh*
OHG, I went through similar thoughts when DH moved in.
CL-Entrepreneurial Women
Business Impressions, LLC
I am sure we all go through that. I was on my own for 7+ years with just my DS. I had everything MY way. I didn't even realize what a great luxury that was until I suddenly had someone who had an opinion on what kind of comforter I bought for my bed! I mean, who did he think he was anyway, caring what he slept on??? LOL!!!
My DH is actually NEATER than I am, so like you said, it's not about him being a slob. It's losing that independence. When I start to be irritated by having to share some decision making, I remember that it's awfully nice to have a warm body in bed with me and SOMEONE besides me to be the decision maker/chief cook and bottle washer (he's a house cleaning kind of guy! Well trained)/disciplinarian, and then it's easier.
Also, I don't defer to him nearly as often. If something is ugly, I let him know . If I want a particular pattern, and I know it's not TOO "girlie", then I go with it.
Well I guess I had kind of a twist on that scenario because after 3 1/2 years of being alone, I moved in with my SO to his place.
No, not yet. But things are going well for the moment and I'm just thinking about my two Plans. One Plan is things work out with him, in which case we'll marry and live together. The other Plan kicks in if he can't commit or decides to move closer to his son and I go on with my life alone (with dd). When I think about the future I can imagine both happening. I've moved twice since I separated from my husband (now divorced) and I've gotten rid of anything I don't want in my life, and I have things pretty much the way I want them. I am comfortable here. I guess my biggest problem is thinking about living with his pets. He has several pets. I love his nurturing nature, and I enjoy the animals when I'm there, I love all the purring and cuddling, and they are very cute to watch... but I cringe when I think of combining homes because I imagine them clawing on my microfiber suede-like couch and peeing on my lovely wool rug. I love him and I know I would enjoy spending my life with him, but I've also enjoyed having my home 'just so' and it might be hard to let go of that. I am sure he feels similarly.
Then there is the finances. I just don't want to have to tell anyone what I spend when I shop (not a lot, I keep myself on a good budget). Finances were a problem in my marriage and I've finally just got a handle on them and I like it this way. I keep hearing "you spent WHAT on that shirt?" in my mind (not that I know he would say that for sure) and I cringe more. Again, he probably feels the same about his finances being his own business.
Maybe if I could get over the idea of having another baby I could just live in my own house and he in his, and we could have a nice relationship with committment but only part-time cohabitation. But that probably won't work, will it. I guess it's when I think he's going to have problems committing to me, or when it looks like he might move, I think, well being on my own is not so bad. I hate saying that because I know it rips my heart out when I think of him leaving and I do love him. Maybe it's just become my defense mechanism to think the idea of him leaving me is okay. I do know I am rambling now so I'm going to stop.
Edited 12/27/2004 9:46 am ET ET by firstamendment
This is a really good question/discussion and I am looking forward to hearing everyone's answers.
I agree with what you are saying about the pets. I guess you have to look at the bright side and know they won't live forever and considering his dilemma with his ex and son they are probably the least of your worries for now.
Reading this post and the others makes me realize how much I relish my freedom. I do have a lot of freedom now - no explanations as to my purchases, what I do, how I decorate my house, my son, etc. I am boss!!
I do remember when I first moved in with my exh (we were engaged at the time) it was easy because he didn't have much, and I had a lot less than I do now. I think this issue gets much more complicated as we get older and acquire more things, never mind children.
I did date a guy and one of the reasons I rejected him, besides his poor financial management habits, was because he had 2 huge great danes that smelled and shed. One of them showed aggression to my son and I knew then that we could never live together.