my question of the week

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
my question of the week
29
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:21pm

ok...hope this doesn't get too racy, let's try to keep it PG and still answer the main question.


The post on "waiting till there is commitment for sex" is something I really would like your perspectives on.


Sex is SO important. I was in a marriage where the sex was bad and not mutual. My question is in stages


1) If you wait till you're committed, married, to have sex how do you insure that it isn't BAD from the beginning?


2)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:29pm
If your choice is to wait until marriage or commitment. It doesnt mean you cant TALK the ins and outs so to speak (no pun intended lol) before hand!!! To know all -- just ASK and you will know. Plus just because you arent having intercourse it doesnt mean you cant have great make out sessions until you are ready and KNOW from your TALKS that this guy is out to please YOU.
Thats the thing I have learned...the best sex is out of the bedroom when you talk about the things your prefer and desire...then you get to act out all those things later. Know what i mean?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:34pm

Talking, yep...good idea.


Make out sessions, yep...like those too. LOL


So how far do you go and what IS sex anyway? And if it's everything BUT intercourse...why wait for that?


I'm not saying that's your opinion, but it's an opinion I've heard and I don't get it. So if it is the opinion of someone here, maybe they could help me understand it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 4:23pm

1) If you wait till you're committed, married, to have sex how do you insure that it isn't BAD from the beginning?

--- I would never wait that long.

2) I don't want to marry anyone till I know what they're like in bed. Anyone else in this camp? Sex is such a cornerstone of a relationship, can you commit to one without knowing what it's like with someone?

--- The sex in my marriage was awful. I tolerated it because my previous bf's were jerks (think of a worse word) but the man I married was not. I figured sex was not as important as other things, but eventually I woke up and realized I couldn't live without sex, touching, intimacy, cuddling and so on. I think if I have a next relationship I will wait a while, but I will not commit to a long-term relationship or let a relationship head towards marriage if the sex isn't good.

3) What is that fine line then, between looking for love and looking for sex?

--- I'm looking for both, together at the same time, no fine line.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 4:34pm

Well, I may catch fire for my response…LOL, but I am not one who thinks sex should be held hostage. But I’ve also been described by my close male friends as a “guy gal,” a woman who thinks a lot like a guy.

I have sex when I’m ready, and if I think I’m ready on the first date or the 16th, I go with it. Have I been burned? Sure… but I’ve had WAY more good experiences than bad, and in the majority of my relationships I have been the one to do the leaving.

I don’t play waiting games. Having sex with a man has more to do with you than it does with him. If you’re doing it for the right reasons (your own, not his) than it’s all good.

As for the fine line between looking for love and looking for sex, for me personally this line is not so fine. I’m in a solid relationship now, but in the past when I was dating I knew when I was out for a good time, and when I was out for the long term. I treated those occasions totally different. The trick is not to blur those lines. The MOMENT you start to go blurry the game changes and you have to change the rules and if the guy you’re playing with doesn’t want to play by the new rules, you’ve got to switch players. Too many of us make the mistake of holding on to see if he’ll change his mind…when we are the ones doing the changing.

Know what you want and go get it. And by all means, have fun while you’re doing it!

JMHO
Gabriella

“I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me, so I can say that is the way I used to be…” --John Mayer

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 4:52pm

No fire from me gabriella. I think we're pretty much on the same page.


I would feel like I was playing games if I said "no _________till marriage" Whichever stage of physical involvement it was. When I feel comfortable with someone, that's when it will happen. It's just not me. Sex is a form of communication, not a commodity to hold on to in return for something.


I guess if someone isn't comfortable with sex till they're committed (whatever that means) then that's great for them, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 4:54pm

Good questions . . . and my answers won't help you.

1) If you wait till you're committed, married, to have sex how do you insure that it isn't BAD from the beginning?

I would never wait until I was married or even in a committed relationship to have sex. Someone else said talk it out. Doesn't work for me. A little less talk and a lot more action for me, please.

2) I don't want to marry anyone till I know what they're like in bed. Anyone else in this camp? Sex is such a cornerstone of a relationship, can you commit to one without knowing what it's like with someone?

No and no.

3) What is that fine line then, between looking for love and looking for sex?

I've never been "looking for love" - I was always "looking for a good time". I also don't believe one can simply "find" love. I believe that love is something that develops over time. When I met TT - yes, I was interested in him. Very much so. Attracted to him physically and mentally. We clicked. We had sex on our third date. No regrets. Not one. Wait. It was absolutely incredible - so maybe I regret wasting two dates! Also - I'm not quick to committ. At all. I would never tell a man that I wasn't having sex with that I wanted him to committ to me. Nope. I want to experience ALL you have to offer me before I'm COMMITTING to you. I am a weird woman, though, and I know this. I have always been able to separate love/feelings and emotions from sex. Always. I've had numerous relationships that were NOTHING but sexual - and that was fine with me. If I'm in a sexual relationship and feelings developed (which is what happened with TT) - I will want to committ - and if he doesn't want committment - I'm out of there. With no hurt feelings. We just wanted different things. That is not to say that I'm not monogomous. I am. I might have dated ten guys at one time - but I was only sleeping with one of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:00pm

I'm not looking for one answer, just lots of opinions. It's interesting to hear them all. Especially ones that qualify as "different"...not WEIRD..different. LOL


I like your take on it, Mindy. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:07pm
all i can say is "Ditto". My post and your post are so similar!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:24pm

I guess maybe I fall a little more in the middle than I used to.


I definitely want to know what someone is like sexually before I would commit to them ( If I ever would)...BUT, I don't feel as comfortable with sex in the first month or two as I used to. Only because I want someone who can be interested in me longer than that for more than sex. I want closeness and touching and lots of knowing who someone is.


I think I said something about it before, I want someone with a longer attention span than the people I've been finding. LOL And I really do want someone who wants ME more than what else he sees. I'm tired of working hard for less in return than what I give. I don't want to have to work so hard. And I want someone who says "yeah, SHE is what I want" and is willing to put some action behind it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:25pm

You and I are alot alike!!!

And yeah, I've definitely been burned. But I have never been burned simply because I had sex too soon.

And I had a saying when I was dating . . . if someone wasn't EXACTLY what I wanted . . . "NEXT!" I spend no time trying to change someone - and someone better NEVER expect to change me - as I am . . . HELLO! PERFECT! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!

And you know, some of the best lovers I've ever had were lovers that I didn't have a relationship with. I don't regret them for ANYTHING. I always say - the only ones I regret are the ones that weren't any good!

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