my question of the week

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
my question of the week
29
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:21pm

ok...hope this doesn't get too racy, let's try to keep it PG and still answer the main question.


The post on "waiting till there is commitment for sex" is something I really would like your perspectives on.


Sex is SO important. I was in a marriage where the sex was bad and not mutual. My question is in stages


1) If you wait till you're committed, married, to have sex how do you insure that it isn't BAD from the beginning?


2)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:30pm

True, and I learned something important about me and about life from every one of them. No regrets...and now NEXT!


I think the adjustment in my attitude is more about what I want now, as opposed to what I wanted then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:35pm

What an excellent question. Here's my answers.

1) If you wait till you're committed, married, to have sex how do you insure that it isn't BAD from the beginning?

I don't think you can know for sure. I guess you just have to hope that the sex will be good, and if it's not, hope that you can work it out. Personally, I think that's a hell of a risk -- one that I wouldn't want to take.

2) I don't want to marry anyone till I know what they're like in bed. Anyone else in this camp? Sex is such a cornerstone of a relationship, can you commit to one without knowing what it's like with someone?

I agree with this 100 percent. I was also in a marriage where the sex was bad and I don't want that experience ever again. In fact, being that my husband was the one and only person I ever had sex with, I didn't know what I was missing until after I got divorced. Then I figured out, so this is what it's supposed to be like. And I'll never look back.

I do agree with MB that talking about sex is important, at least it is for me. I know not all the men I have been with have been comfortable talking about it. The best sexual relationships that I've been in have been the ones where there was open communication about sex.

3) What is that fine line then, between looking for love and looking for sex?

Here's where I'm probably different than some people. I admit that I'm not good at casual sex and friends with benefits because I have a hard time separating feelings from sex. In fact I think it just has something to do with not having a lot of relationships in my life. I have only had sex with people that I was in relationships with, with one exception. I did a FWB very briefly. After just having ended a relationship with someone I still cared about, sex with this "friend" was cold and impersonal, and it just didn't work out for me, so I ended it. But that was the only time I ever slept with someone that I would say I wasn't in love with. I guess I'm a little behind the times and probably not a good example of how most people are. I never actually went out with the intentions of just having sex with someone. I'm not saying that's wrong, by any means, it's just not me. I'm pretty quiet and shy until you get to know me, and I don't think I'd ever have the nerve to pick anybody up anywhere. I'm most comfortable sexually in a caring relationship. That's when I can really let my hair down, so to speak, and be myself. Until I reach that point with someone, even though we may have sex, I'm still a little guarded. I really don't have any kind of a timetable. I just have never slept with anyone on the first date, but that's totally because I'm really shy. The soonest I ever slept with someone was on the third date, but that's when it felt comfortable for me.

When I met Mark, I wasn't "looking for love", or looking for anything, for that matter. I just got out of a horrible relationship and didn't care if I ever dated again. He asked me out and my sister had to talk me into it. I think I'm usually just trying to get out there and have a good time (as in just find someone to go out with and talk to)and whatever happens, happens. I do admit that in the past I fell in love too easily, and now I'm much more guarded with my heart.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:51pm

I meant committed to a monogamous relationship - one foot on the banana peel and the other foot on the ring.

But this is going to be a fun discussion.

I want to play!! :-)

Okay - I was the type of girl who always jumped in the sack too soon. I ADMIT I ADMIT!! But this was mostly before I was married - in my roaring 20s - and back in the days when there was no such thing as a friend with benefits or a booty call girl. You would sleep with a guy and then he would fall in love with you. Men were much easier to figure out back then.

BUT after my divorce I got a rude awakening. Boy was there lots to learn. Mainly that love and passion are not the same. Most men do not have as Candi put it, a long attention span!!

So now, after watching a few of my friends in their 20s with their happy dating experiences I know I would hold off a lot longer for sex like they are doing. I would want to see the guys intentions and see if he is that into me. I would also want to allow the relationship to develop SLOWLY and to develop fun things to do and good conversation that is not based on sex.

NO MORE hopping into the sack to hope he wants a relationship and falls in love - he has to give me that first.

I feel that when sex happens too soon you don't really see their intentions, and you don't develop the relationship in other areas. I am seeking a deep level of trust and friendship. I want heavy wild makeout sessions - those are good. And I want to be able to hold back my heart and not go crazy - when I have sex too soon then I have expectations that are too strong for a relationship in the early stages.

Okay - and now you have to hold me to this!! I can't wait to see what everyone here says.




Edited 1/25/2005 5:58 pm ET ET by west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:52pm
MBfun I agree with you on the heavy makeout sessions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:54pm

one foot on a banana peel, one foot on the ring!??? s'plain that please? LOL


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 6:05pm

He has to be DIGGING me. Talking about the future. A sense that he wants to be married in the near future. That we fit. That we are talking about being together.

My babysitter's boyfriend said to her in the library the other day - so we have to wait until we are married to have sex. And she said yes. She originally said to him in the beginning that she is going to date a lot until she gets married and she is not going to have sex with all of those guys.

He totally digs that she has not been touched. And he respects her boundaries. They do have heavy makeout sessions. ONe night when he was going far he stopped himself and said I don't want to lose you over this - you are so worth the wait.

I don't know if I would hold out until marriage but like I said it would be one foot on the banana peel and one foot on the engagement ring.

My decision to stop jumping in the sack so easy was made after I read the story on AIDS. I realized I don't want to play Russian Rolette with that or herpes. I also read a great story on secondary virginity - that even if you are not a virgin you can become one again so you are waiting for the right person. I thought that was encouraging!!

The right guy will wait. He will respect that I am not ready until I can trust him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 6:08pm

I want to add one more thing, Candi.

I invite everyone here to take a look at the Dating Doyenne board. This board was FAR MORE enlightening to me than any book I have read.

You have no idea of how many women write, "we hung out, had sex. now he calls on a saturday to see me on a saturday and we have sex. how do I get him to want a relationship and take me on a date?"

There are SO MANY women writing just the same story. I believe you cannot be a booty call girl if you do not want to be treated like one. You have to set boundaries. And you have to wait for Mr. Right who digs you as Mrs. Right. It is that simple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 6:21pm

I do see what you are saying.

I have never, ever, "hung out and had sex" with someone. Ever. It was ALWAYS in the context of dating. And how do you get a guy that you had sex with on Saturday who is calling to have sex again to want a relationship? You don't.

I don't get - at all - the "I met him at a party on Saturday night and we hooked up and now I want him to take me out on a date."

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 6:53pm

I want to point out that in my post I said IF you are a person who wishes to wait until marriage or being committed there is hope in words.

For me personally I couldnt do it..."wait" that is. Jerry and I waited all of 2 dates LOL shows my limits of personal control!

If I were to start another relationship looking back in hindsight --- I still would have done it the same. It felt right at the time.

Anyway I just wanted to point out "options" for someone who is willing and able to wait it out. But that for me...heck no would I do that - Im too much of a high libido chick!! LOL

:) MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 7:03pm

I'll have to take your word on it Marybeth - cause I'd never found out myself!!!!! LOL!

My sex life with my ex before we got married wasn't what I wanted it to be. At all. We talked and talked about it (and had toe curling, amazing make out sessions) and he said that once we got married, he would be more comfortable with it and it would be wonderful and that it was because of how he was raised that he had issues with having sex while we weren't married. I don't want to say "he lied" - because at the time I know he believed that - but that wasn't the case. We got married and it only got worse, not better. THE HUGE difference was if I had been a virgin - I would have had nothing to compare it to and would have had no idea how good it could be. But that wasn't the case. And I had one of my very best lovers (top 3 - and at THAT time - Number ONE - he lost first place status many years later) JUST before him. I was WELL AWARE of what it could be and all that I was missing!!!!!!

Because of that experience - I have had the "really test them out" theory. LOL Although I think I would be ABLE to wait it out - I would NEVER be willing!!!