my question of the week

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
my question of the week
29
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:21pm

ok...hope this doesn't get too racy, let's try to keep it PG and still answer the main question.


The post on "waiting till there is commitment for sex" is something I really would like your perspectives on.


Sex is SO important. I was in a marriage where the sex was bad and not mutual. My question is in stages


1) If you wait till you're committed, married, to have sex how do you insure that it isn't BAD from the beginning?


2)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 7:45pm

I understand this too. It all comes down to what you want and what you’re looking for. You simply can NOT confuse the two. You’re right, if you don’t want to be treated like a booty call, don’t be one.

Like Mindy, it was never just hanging out and having sex for me. One of the best sexual relationships I’ve ever had was not a long term potential relationship. We both met at a time when commitment was not possible and we were perfect for that. We got together once a week and had a great date night. We always did something fun together, whether it was going to a batting cage, playing video games at Gameworks, or pool, darts, dancing, movies, etc… we went out we had fun, we went home we had sex…our “dates” were usually 24 hour dates…and we did it every week or two and it was GREAT! When we were together it was all about us. We were totally into each other. But, there was no pressure for a relationship from either one of us.

That is what I WANTED though. If I had wanted him to commit to me, I would have set myself up for heartbreak, because that was not what our relationship was about. When I was ready for something more long term, he and I stopped sleeping together and became just friends. Eventually, we stopped going out and our friendship sort of died off, because outside of sex and fun, there was no substance. I have fond memories of him. He was incredible…but I wouldn’t recommend any of my friends get involved with him…because he would break their hearts. I guess most women are simply not like me, they can not separate it like I can.

And I would never tell someone it is wrong to wait. Of course it isn’t wrong to wait. If that is what you want. It’s not wrong not to wait either…but you do have to tread carefully.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 8:46pm
I was with my bf on the second date too. I'm so glad I am not the only one. I think next time I will be able to take it slower, but for a girl who used to go from 1st date to living together, this relationship has gone pretty darned slow!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 10:40pm

UGH- I could NOT wait until I was married to have sex, I soooo want to know what I'm getting into! To be honest, I did have a few friends with benefits throughout high school, I didn't really date, just had a few friends that I hooked up with when the mood :)

My son's dad was good in bed, I did get together with him soon after meeting him. We were together 5 years, but never were married- THANKFULLY!!! LOL

My boyfriend now is the first one that actually ASKED me if/when I wanted to move on to a sexual relationship. I was shocked, since all the guys I had ever been with just kept going while you are in the middle of a make out session, you know?

But the sex with HIM IS AMAZING!!! Talk about curl your toes and beg for more! LOL, it's been so much fun. His past gf's haven't been as sexually open with him as I have, so he's really had a lot of opportunity to explore some new things.. LOL

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 11:17pm

Oh, ok...I get it. Yeah, that sounds good.


My ideal (and you can hold me to it) is to know someone in a non dating context first. Whether it's in karate class, or my grad classes, or the iglesia, or somewhere else. I want to know what kind of man someone is before I even decide to date him. And I want him to know and appreciate just how cool I am in everyday life.


Then, honestly, if we know each other for a few months and THEN get into a dating situation it won't be so darned uncomfortable. I will know he knows who I really am and likes the real me.


NO more blind dates or fix ups...no dating strangers and starting from zero. It's just a pain in the a**.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 2:38am


1) If you wait till you're committed, married, to have sex how do you insure that it isn't BAD from the beginning?

I've never waited, never will.

2) I don't want to marry anyone till I know what they're like in bed. Anyone else in this camp? Sex is such a cornerstone of a relationship, can you commit to one without knowing what it's like with someone?
I think we all our in this camp.

3) What is that fine line then, between looking for love and looking for sex?

I am like Mindy, and Orangeclouds. I separate the two. I have my booty toy (matter of fact, tonight is our night). I don't even like to call it booty call, because, it's a mutual agreement and we both love the way it is. No emotional attachments, just hot sex and a talk and laugh afterwards. No one knows about us (except you guys), it's my own personal secret, which makes it so much better.
It depends how I am into a guy. I let my gut feeling stir me. Sometimes its after the 2nd date and sometimes it just never happens. I have had quite a few men in my life and I don't regret it. As for the STD's, AIDS, etc thing. That could happen to the guy I'm married too. It's a risk. Of course it's more of a risk when you are sleeping with different partners, but I just use a condom now, which used to be taboo for me in my younger years. And like Mindy, I am totally monogamous. I can date 10 guys at once, but only sleep with one. Most men, don't get that! It's funny. They really do think I sleep with every guy I date. No way! As for my arrangement, he sleeps with other women, but it's also women he's been with for a long time, like me. He thinks that while I date I do the same, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I don't want to put thoughts in his head. If I am seriously dating a guy or someone I REALLY like, I tell him and I won't have sex with him. He accepts that. He respects that. He usually says "Ok, see ya in 6 weeks then", because he knows it never lasts longer then that. Kind of like now again with Ian. ARGH!
But that's for another post.
I actually can fall in love a hundred times, in a hundred of different ways. That scares men and makes women wonder. LOL. I am just a passionate person. If I really like someone, I will tell them I love them, but, I come across, letting them understand, they are by no means the love of my life and they need to understand my definition of love. That to me can be several things. I love the snow, I love the ocean, I love the guys attitude. I make it clear to them, that when I really do fall in love with the all around person, THEY will know. They will hear it in my voice and see it in my eyes, notice the little things I do for them. Until then, I love them as my friend, as my sex partner, etc. Like, I will say: "Ah, your so great, I love you!". Does anyone get that? Understand what I mean? I think Ian got that totally screwed up, but I think that is why LDR's are so messed up. I told him I loved him as a friend. Which is true, I do. I think, he thinks, I can't differentiate between being in love and loving as a friend. I tell all my friends I love them, because I do. Guys, just get wierded out, because they don't believe women can separate their emotions. Ian and I have been so close and shared so much with one another, it is inevitable that you care and love and worry about them, but I am not IN love with him. I believe from my seriously rude email to him, that he really thinks I am acting more like a girlfriend then a friend. I'm not, he just doesn't know how to keep both separate, otherwise, he would know (and I told him), that he is a friend, but I don't let my friends step all over me. Again, I am saving that for another post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 8:52am

You know what Candi? You hit the nail totally on the head with this post.

I am so over the online dating thing, setup thing, blind date thing. It starts the relationship off on a wrong pretense in my opinion. It doesn't really allow you to get to know someone in a natural normal environment. Right away you have to start judging them as a mate. And while it is good to be very judgemental in the beginning I think it would cause you to like the wrong person (for money, car, dress, job, etc.) and overlook the right person (someone who has great integrity but it takes time to know someone to learn this and maybe he doesn't have the fluffy window dressing).

I am looking for exactly the same thing as you. I sort of have it now with my coach - we have been friends for 2 years. I am in a wait and see pattern at present. I never would have given him consideration if we would have had a blind date 2 years ago. He is younger and has a simple job. But 2 years of talking almost every day has shown me that he has so much integrity and a good heart. He was raised in a small town and has amazing family values. He is always on time, very observant and best of all he makes me feel so good about myself. I am always happy after I am with him. I can be myself.

So if I get nothing romantically I am still happy because I have had his friendship and the wonderful workouts and athletic performance I have received from his coaching skills. And if I do end up with something then that is great, too.

Life is an experience - we have to enjoy the ride!!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 10:02am

Aha, now I know who the crush is! You are right about the whole thing on online dating, etc. I did alot of thinking on that route. It's a dead end I tried that for 3yrs and it was one big flop after another. I now have one site that is for penpals, chats, or relationships. I have myself set up for penpals that are deployed and that's it. No more online dating. They are a mess. I have had messes all my life.

If this doesn't work out with Ian, then I will never get myself involved with a penpal again. It's against my rule in the first place. We were only penpal friendship basis, not a thing more. I got his address through the military ( you can find it on my website if anyone wants to support a troop, they are always thrilled to get mail, it gets very hard for them). He stopped contacting me when he got back to the States, until 6 months after his divorce, when he had some space again and wanted to let me know how he was. It started differently because he needed a shoulder and I listened and we shared experiences, since his x-wife did exactly what my x-husband did to me. Let the lovers live in our houses, sleep in our beds, use our things, all the while we were thinking they loved us and we were out of the country (he was in Iraq and I was in California). But, that only got us to trust each other and share things with each other. That is why I was so upset this week, because suddenly he seemed so disinterested when I needed a shoulder. But I hope, that cleared up now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 11:42am

Candi:

I just wanted to say that I agree with everything you posted here, especially when you say: "I'm tired of working hard for less in return than what I give. I don't want to have to work so hard." I second that emotion!!! I always gave way more than I ever received and always ended up feeling disappointed. And I'm also too old to have to work so hard. I also want someone that is willing to "put action behind it" like you said. That's why, this second time around, Mark is doing all the work, and I'm enjoying every minute of it. He calls me, he makes all the dates. He asks me where I want to go and what I want to do. I'm not demanding, I'm just letting him do the work and take the lead -- that way I know he's into me and wants to be with me. It just took me a very long time and a lot of failed relationships to finally get it.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 11:54am

Catherine, Orangeclouds and Mindy:

I have to say that I really admire you guys -- for real. I wish I could be more like you guys, then I probably wouldn't have been hurt so many times in the past. It takes a lot of strength and self-assurance to be able to go after what you want and keep feelings out of it. As for me, I'm just too shy and I lack the self-confidence in myself that I would need to be able to pull it off. But that's ok because I'm very happy in the relationship I'm in right now. I'm most comfortable when I get to know someone well. Then my true Irish Scorpio personality really comes out! Never judge a book by its cover!LOL

Donna

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