My single mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
My single mom
7
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 10:35pm
Hello, I thought I'd write here to talk about my mom. I am 24 years old and my mom had a divorce when I was 4 years old. I don't remember him much, I have visited him but we didn't talk much. I am going to see him this summer and talk though because I want to.
My mom has been through 2 divorces, one was before I was born, she met a great guy in college who she loved but divorced him because he was in the airforce and had to move around from airbase to airbase and she never saw him. I think she regretted getting a divorce from him. She loved him very much. She has said a lot that she wished she would have never gotten a divorce and stayed with him.
She then married my dad, and they were married for four years. I don't talk to my father, he just recently quit paying for my insurance and college and things are tight with money now because of it.
My mom is an art teacher, she has been teaching for 45 years. She met this guy who she is still seeing when I was six years old. She liked him but didn't love him I don't think. She was in her 40's and didn't want to not find someone so she has been with him ever since. He is 11 years older than she is and they are not alike at all.
He is from a town that is 3 hrs. away from ours but he has stayed at our house and went to his town on the weekends. My mom wanted to get remarried but he didn't for some reason.
He never really acted like a father figure towards me, he doesn't help pay for anything or take us anywhere. He goes to Florida in the winters for three months while my mom and I are at home alone. My mom is alone at home when I'm at college and I feel bad for her having to be alone.
She always worries about money and stuff. The guy she's with doesn't help her fix stuff around the house or pay for anything.
He's getting up in age now and he is complaining about things hurting him and different things, he has spent tons of money at the doctors and on his step sons but nothing for us. I don't think its fair.
My mom and I should get something in return for staying with him for so long. They have empty love and I told my mom that she should find someone else but she says that she is too old to find someone else and that she isn't interested in a man anymore. But she wants someone who will be her companion, who will care for her and go on vacations like normal families do and help fix things around the house. The guy she is with now hardly mows the lawn and he tries to fix things himself and doesn't do it right.
When she tries to talk to him about things she doesn't like or anything about him, he gets mad and runs away to either his town or just doesn't talk to her. RIght now he is in Florida and he hasn't talked to my mom for about a month for no reason.
She has been with him for so long now, and he is starting to get weird and not pay for anything, isn't talking to her, and he seems not like himself. My mom told me that if she has known he was going to do this to her, she wouldn't have stayed with him. He is going to come back from Florida soon and will stay at our house, but she doesn't want him there if he won't help her with anything or do anything. He just eats our food and sits in our house doing nothing then he will go to his town and do things for his house like to fix it up and things for him. All he thinks about is himself. He just started to call me sometimes at college and hasn't been talking to my mom, like he wants to get on my good side even though he's not been good to my mom.
I just wish that my mom could find someone for her so she can enjoy her life. She is about to retire and I want her to enjoy it and not have to worry about money or anything. I don't know how she could find someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 11:24am

I can tell that you are really heartbroken over your mother's situation. She is going to have to decide for herself what she wants. If she's unhappy with this man, she should cut him loose. It's so much better to be alone than with a man who is dragging you down.

You can be alone and be happy. If you don't believe that, then you get yourself trapped in a loveless relationship.

You are 24 yrs old and I think you should concentrate on your own life. Be supportive of your mom and be a good daughter, but live your own life and be happy. Pay attention to the way men are. Make wise choices for yourself.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 5:55pm
I think you are a wonderful daughter.
To show so much concern for your mom
shows how much she has been a wonderful
influence on you her precious daughter.
Your mom sounds like an unselfish woman
who has puts the others in her life
she loves ahead of herself.
Just be there for your mom.
She will be okay. I think with or without
him or another man in her life she will
do just fine.
I would be proud to have you for a daughter.
She must be proud to be your mom.
You sound like a wonderfully mature,
caring young woman.
Nightangel
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 7:13pm

I can very well understand where you are coming from. I raised my mother, who also was an artist and loves my father to this day, but he left her when I was 8. I've practically raised my mother all my life and I have worried about all of her choices; especially choices in men. I can only say, that it is very important that you learn to live your own life and do what you can to go your own direction. She will have to make her own choices and you cannot change that. She is the one that is leading her life, and you need to lead yours. It's ok to worry, but I feel, that like me, you are putting your own happiness, your own life on the back burner for her. I don't know why I say that, but I just feel that. I can hear the hurt that is going on inside of you and the worry you have for your own mothers happiness.
Unfortunately, as an artist of any kind, they have their own way of thinking and handeling of things. You have to let them go, like bird in a cage and hope they find their own way in things. I am 33yrs old and just now doing that in my life. She has always made me feel as if I need to care for her, be for her, not put myself first, but always take care of her. I have always felt guilt, when I wanted to do my own things, but don't let that happen to you. You can help her by talking to her and come up with ideas if that is what she needs. Their are lot's of things you can do, if your in an area that allows it. Where do you live? Let us know and I am sure we can give you some great tips for where your mom can get active.

Take care sweetie and stay in touch,
Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 8:18pm

I have a book recommendation for you. "The Wounded Woman" by Linda Leonard. It's about women with not so good relationship with their fathers. It helped me a lot, and it might help you too. It's not so easy to grow up without a father or a father figure, and usually it makes it really hard to find healthy adult relationships for yourself, or to even know what that means.

Staying with this man has been your mother's choice. The only thing you can do is be supportive of her, and if she decides to stand up to him and say he can't hang around if it's not going to be a true partnership, then it will help her to know you are behind her. The bigger issue is how to not repeat your mom's same mistakes (or opposite mistakes that can be just as unhealthy, like never letting someone into your life for fear they will treat you the way this man treats your mom).

Photobucket

Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 11:52am

Hi and welcome
Your care and love for your mom is so obvious in your post. However, she is an adult and she is making the choice to keep this man around. Just as you probably wouldn't listen to her if you picked a guy right now who wasn't the best for you, she isn't going to listen to you telling her he isn't right for her. We never do in the heat of the moment.
Let her make her mistakes and be there to support her.
Just like you want her to let you make your mistakes and be there to support you.

As far as you all deserving something from him, I don't know what that's all about. One thing I would definitely caution you on is expecting a guy to support you financially. You are in college so assuredly you are headed towards a bright future and self reliance financially. When you meet the guy you'll spend the rest of your life with, hopefully he'll be an equal partner and you can both contribute to the finances. You would like to think that he'd offer to help you if you got in a bind. But to expect it? Resent him if he didn't? You probably wouldn't feel that way. If he wasn't the sort to help a friend in need out never mind a loved one, then I would hope you wouldn't be with him in the first place.

Your mom is with this man though, so she is choosing to be with the sort who doesn't help those closest to him. Her lot to deal with unfortunately.

Keep us posted!
Hugs
Tara

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 7:22pm

You are such a sweet daughter!! My heart goes out to you and your mom. You have some great advice here. I hope you can show it to your mom - maybe she would like to talk to us and post on our board.

Take real good care, sweetie. It sounds like your mom should listen to you and give that selfish man a boot. She is not too old to find someone. But she has to see all of this for herself.

Your post is very strong and wise for your age. It is so nice of you to share that with us moms. It will remind all of us how we have to be picky and not settle - not just for us but also for the sake of our children.

God bless you!! And your mom.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 7:28pm
Totally agree with you Judy! AND I would like to add, this is EXACTLY why I put family commitment on my top 5.