my update

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
my update
23
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:01am

Well, he came over last night. Our 3rd date. As soon as he got here, I showed him around my house and things got physical almost immediately. I didn't mind. I was suprised that with all the pictures all over my house of my kids, that he didn't mention them once...other than being afraid that we would wake them up. I spend time before he came to swap out pictures of my X (just hadn't gotten around to it) so he didn't feel uncomfortable, but he didn't even look. No conversation at all. I didnt mind the physical stuff...but there was nothing else!! He got her at 8:30 and left at 10:30. No hanging out, no talking, no nothing. No fun...made the whole physical part of it less appealing. I don't regret it at all, but it makes it crystal clear to me what his intentions are. I've been putting off having that conversation, but I think I need to. To make me feel better and then I can make up my mind if I want to keep things going purely physically or not. I want to maintain control. So...is this what they call FWB??? Just come over, have sex, and leave...until next time? I've never done this before and I'm all over the place. My heart and head is fine...just not sure what to do!! And I'm not even sure if it was worth it. Our last 2 dates I could barely keep my hands off of him. This time I could take it or leave it...who knows! He isn't my taste physically, so maybe that's why? He is cute, but not what I drool over! lol Who knows...any advice? kicks in the ass??

Thanks!

Karie

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:26am

Well in my opinion, the guy already pretty much knew what he was going to do and it wasn't very nice. I don't like the fact that he basically didn't talk, hang out or do anything. NOT COOL!
Just be very clear that for the next guy: their are a few things that I would definitely refrain from doing with someone else and that is, having anyone come to your house or going to their house within the first few dates. This will keep the physical stuff at bay until things are made clearer. A FWB is someone who is a FRIENDS with benefits, not a STRANGER with benefits. He has got to get to KNOW you to enter the friendship stage. But oh well, lesson learned and it's now water under the bridge.

So now I would leave it. And having said that, you are basically writing him off. No contact, nothing. Should he call, cool, but then you need to start taking the lead. If you want him to come over, have him come over. Make sure YOU let HIM know, he picks up chinese, pizza or whatever food and a few beers on the way. Then, YOU set the pace. YOU are in control of the situation. Don't let him come in and just take advantage. You need to start setting ground rules WITHOUT saying anything. If you don't want him around, tell him your busy, but he should call you another night or YOU SET the time and date and again, let him know he needs to bring food, so that you both can eat, talk and hang out before it happens. And DO NOT call him. One very important thing Karie: Their is a HUGE difference between FWB and BOOTY CALL. What you are at this time is nothing more then a: Booty call. So you need to set it straight. If you can't talk to the guy and he isn't willing to talk to you and he comes over and just wants sex, then you are basically giving him sex for free, which is worse then charging by the hour, because you aren't getting anything out of it. Not even the joy of sex and cuddle time afterwards, etc. It's time to take control of the situation. Got any questions? Ask me. I'm a pro at this one, because I have always set the pace. My FWB's (depending where they live) are still around and available after having been with them 2-12 years, because I am in control.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:26am

Karie,

I believe that the FWB is a personal decision. I have seen women that have them and love them and are so happy with the arrangement because they really aren't looking for a relationship with the person. But usually it is more of a friendship thing with benefits - you hang out and do stuff. You just don't fall in love or remain exclusive. I am waiting for rlch to chime in on this one - because she has had great success with FWB - she enjoys them and knows that they are not in her future. And she probably has good advice and tips and comments to add to this thread. Rebecccah? Where are you when we need ya? LOL!!

I am such a ridiculous head case that I can never have an FWB. Because I would say the same things you do - what about ME? I have to have the lovey dovey feelings and the emotional part to go with sex. I have to know the guy is only after me and he is going to stick around at least for a while. So I know I could not really do the FWB thing.

In this case, I would say you are more of a booty call - that is where the guys gets the physical urge and relieves it and goes. He usually calls late and at the last minute and it is apparent that he just wants sex. I would not like that at all and would be turned off by it - probably as you were.

I think if I was you and this happened that I would drop him like a bad habit. Because his behavior is not how I want to be treated and I would not want to hear what he has to say. To me actions speak louder than words. But you are not me - you have to do what you have to do to get things clear in your head.

Whatever happens, don't beat yourself up. Make this a learning lesson - you are learning what you want and what you don't want.

Stick around, sweetie,we are glad to have you here. I am sure the others will pop in and tell their comments and stories and opinions. That is the good thing about this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:27am

You and I were writing the same thing at the same time. Could it be that we both have these t-shirts? I think so!!

- I have way too many t-shirts in my closet!!!! LOL!!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:32am
Adding to what Judy says:
A FWB is usually a VERY loving, cuddling and fun person to be with. You have a great time with that person, but for some reason, you both know it can never work out. Maybe he's too young or to old, his religion, his culture, he doesn't want kids or wants more and you don't; it's something that neither of you can change or want to change, but you have utmost respect for one another. You care about one another. He treats you like gold and you care about him. BUT! Again, you remain in the lead. This helps the emotions from getting cuddle muddled. A female in control is the best way to NOT get emotionally tied to the person.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:33am
LOL! I know TOOOO WEIRD! But as they say: BRILLIANT MINDS THINK ALIKE!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:34am

Yes yes - see - we needed an FWB expert here. I actually think I had a lot of those in my 20s. I was so busy with my career and always knew who I was with would not work for one reason or another but they were fun and cuddly and we just kept each other company for a time.

I just don't think I can do those now because in my old age I have gotten my stupid heart in the way. LOL!!

Thank you for helping us with this clarification.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:47am
I'm not into it anymore either, but I know I can pick up the phone at anytime and schedule something if I want to. I just don't want that part right now in my life. I want what I have right now with Mr. History. I have no clue where it's going, but I enjoy the moment, even though I WISH I could sometimes look a little into the future. I don't like the fact that he's house hunting so adamantly now. It makes me want to back off and just cut my losses. Last week he was saying he wasn't going to look until next Spring and now his friends tell him to look now. So it's bugging me, but I can't say anything to him about it. I don't know him long enough to even bring it up, but it's definitely bothering me BIG TIME. What is is with men and houses this year? This could end up being the third break up because of something like that. The second I think we are on the same track, they go off house hunting for themselves. UGH!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 10:17am

Forget about the house thing for now. If you can make a small apartment work for the three of you, you can make a house work just fine with four.

It is a good time to buy - and if he has a house he will feel more settled and able to provide for you. Think of the positives!! I mean as long as the house is not more than an hour away it is a GOOD thing. It can be a starter and if you two work out you can buy one together in 5 years or something like that. That is a GOOD problem!! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 11:03am

There is a BIG difference, as has been said, between FWB and a booty call.

Having had both, and not particularly liking either, I can pretty much identify.

FWB focuses on the first word - you're FRIENDS. Whether you're friends who dated, or didn't, you're friends before, during, and after any sexual activity. There is a real companionship and friendship there. You do things OTHER than have sex - in fact, that's not even necessarily a focal point of the friendship.

A booty call is sex - just sex - nothing but sex.

Both have their place (although not in my life anymore), but if you're looking for a relationship, neither is beneficial.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 1:24pm

OK call me clueless or a man (which is probably the same thing for you women) but if you are still in the early stages of the relationship then *logically* I see no reason to get tweaked about Mr. History getting a house.

Methinks you are getting ahead of yourself. One day at a time. Live and appreciate the present. Your words, "... but I enjoy the moment, ..." Everything is temporary so ***IF*** you two create a lasting, long term relationship THEN there are ways to make that happen. He can always sell/rent his house or he may not even buy the house.

"This could end up being the third break up because of something like that." So you are willing to break up with him based on that? Please re-read your posting especially enjoying the moment part and take a deep breath. Your last line of how "they go off house hunting..." tells me that this has happened before and you know what that is called? Baggage.

I suggest you look into what deeper fear is driving you to feel that way. The house hunting is the incidental trigger for what is inside of you. Best to address what is inside rather than his house hunting.

Hang in there precious.

Mark

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