my update

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
my update
23
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:01am

Well, he came over last night. Our 3rd date. As soon as he got here, I showed him around my house and things got physical almost immediately. I didn't mind. I was suprised that with all the pictures all over my house of my kids, that he didn't mention them once...other than being afraid that we would wake them up. I spend time before he came to swap out pictures of my X (just hadn't gotten around to it) so he didn't feel uncomfortable, but he didn't even look. No conversation at all. I didnt mind the physical stuff...but there was nothing else!! He got her at 8:30 and left at 10:30. No hanging out, no talking, no nothing. No fun...made the whole physical part of it less appealing. I don't regret it at all, but it makes it crystal clear to me what his intentions are. I've been putting off having that conversation, but I think I need to. To make me feel better and then I can make up my mind if I want to keep things going purely physically or not. I want to maintain control. So...is this what they call FWB??? Just come over, have sex, and leave...until next time? I've never done this before and I'm all over the place. My heart and head is fine...just not sure what to do!! And I'm not even sure if it was worth it. Our last 2 dates I could barely keep my hands off of him. This time I could take it or leave it...who knows! He isn't my taste physically, so maybe that's why? He is cute, but not what I drool over! lol Who knows...any advice? kicks in the ass??

Thanks!

Karie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 1:44pm

I have to agree - Cat - don't worry about the house thing. I think it is good that he is looking for some stability in his life by committing to a mortgage and the responsibilities that home ownership bring. The fact that he is looking for a 3 bedroom is a very nice gesture, and show of faith, on his part. Even if he does buy a home and you guys do work out, what's not to say that you decide to purchase one together next year. There is no time limitation on these things. I know people who buy and sell almost every year. Just enjoy your time with him... forget about the fact that he is house hunting, that was something he had planned to do whether you were in his life or not.

Kazoo was looking for another property to purchase in his area. He has put it off because of our relationship but I am encouraging him to go ahead and do what it right for him. If we decide even in a few months to try and move forward with a life together, he can always sell or we can work around it. What is meant to be will happen. Where he hangs his hat is not a concern to me for now.

Rosecolouredspecs
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 1:59pm

It really isn't baggage. It's realistically speaking. And here is what IRKS me so much.

Everytime I meet a guy this year, he has been RENTING for YEARSSSSS or had the same house for over a decade and then within the first month or three of us dating, he SUDDENLY wants to buy something of his own. NOW, realistically, you can't buy something and then sell it again in a few months if you happen to meet someone and want to move forward. You lose a load of money and everyone knows this.

I happen to plan on buying something next Spring and I CANNOT move for years after that. Alex will be attending High School and I will NOT move her around in her High School year. Sooooooo, having said that, it is more frustration because every time I start dating someone, they suddenly want to move, prior to that they NEVER MOVED.

I will be looking in the Spring. If I am dating someone then that would be something I would address before I bought something. I don't want to think about buying a home, so I can move out of it in a few months and I am not going to buy something bigger in fear of it not working out and having too much on my hands. SO. It really isn't extra baggage, it's just really starting to piss me off. I am getting over the whole TIMING bit and tired of being told I came at the wrong time. Which Mr. History didn't say, but it's all coming into the same song and dance. One minute he isn't planning on looking until next Spring and suddenly the next thing I know, he's spending all day looking at places. GRRR.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD: If I move into a home that I will be paying a part of, I WANT to be able to pick out the place that I move to. NOT some guy, who wasn't thinking kitchen or the perfect location for kids.

So I know it seems REALLY irrelevant to most of you, but I've been waiting for YEARS to finally have my own home. And YES, I would love to get my own home, but the bonus, would be to have it with someone I can share it with, not being told it's the wrong time or to be asked to move in another year.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 2:07pm

I hear your frustration precious.

I encourage you to share what is going on with Mr. History for I think that is what creates closeness, the sharing the good and the bad. What is going on inside shows up on the outside in some way.

What I mean by baggage is that I perceive that you are reacting to what is going on now based on your history with other guys.

Take care and I hope things will unfold the way you want.

Mark

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 2:23pm
Honestly, even though this is why I broke up my last two relationships, it has nothing to do with baggage. I'm not looking at it as baggage. I am looking at it as a problem and again, like with M, I haven't known Mr. History even half as long as I knew M and it isn't my place or the time to even bring it up. Mr. History knows. I explained it to him on the sly when he mentioned buying a house. I told him I can't look until the Spring because of my lease and THEN it will depend if I am in a relationship or not. He said he was going to renew his lease in September and then move at the same time my lease was up next summer. So I thought that was really cool and now I'm really PEEVED because NO GUY can make up his darn mind. And yes, I would rather cut my losses again then be with someone that moves ahead of me and I am left behind and have no say so or no fun in making a decision on something that I find REALLY important. If I drop Mr. History because of this, then I am done dating. Seriously done dating until I find my own house and THEN I WON'T BE MOVING FOR ANYONE, because I won't lose money moving again within the year. Tough luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 2:36pm

Hey Cat - just reading your exchange with Mark and from what I can recall, you live in a fairly urban area. Real Estate is a positive investment - only under very rare circumstances would you ever lose money regardless of when you sell - within a few months or decades later. Unless values are sagging in your area, you can't go wrong. Don't let that scare you away or add to your concern about Mr. History looking now as opposed to later.
Having said that, I totally understand why this is an area of frustration for you It can't hurt to be open with Mr. History about your feelings on this particular topic. Mr. History seems like the kind of guy who will take the conversation in stride and consider your feelings in his decision. I totally understand that this is very early in your relationship to be having this conversation but he does seem like the kind of person who can handle it and he might even thank you for sharing your feelings.

I hope things work out in the best possible way for you....
Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 2:52pm

Thanks, but again, I won't move my child during her High School year, nor, will I move again in another year; I am done after this last move. I have moved 23 times in my life; Alex 13 times and Nina only 4. This is going to be it for awhile for all of us.

Again, I have only dated Mr. History 2.5 weeks, so no way am I bringing up the topic. He knows, I told him, we discussed it when we were talking about houses and I won't bring it up again. If he gets one, I am not going to continue the relationship. Sounds harsh, but I'm over it. I will concentrate on my own thing. The only reason I DATED Mr. History, is because he said that next year he is planning on moving. I thought is a great slow pace to go. No WAY am I going to be talking to him about something, I am not ready to talk to him about. I don't know if I want to be with him in two months, let alone 2 weeks. I want to take it all in stride, but I have to have someone that I am with in a relationship that is on the same page, not someone that is moving ahead. It won't work; It just won't. I know what I'm talking about. Mr. History can plan on an awesome home alone; I can't. I have only a budget of so much. I can get something nice, but it won't be any where near what Mr. History wants. Now if we put our assets together, yes, it would be an awesome win-win, but Mr. History would NEVER move into my house, because mine will be extremely modest, in a not so great area, compared to where he wants to go. So IF I moved into HIS place next year, AGAIN, it would mean, I would have to move Alex across the other side of town or possibly into a new state (south carolina border is 3 minutes away). And that is a NO GO. I'm EXTREMELY adamant about making sure my daughter has a happy normal High School experience. No more moving. My timing sucks. I wish I had a few more years to consider it, but I don't and it is the way it is. But Mr. HISTORY KNOWS all of this, so no reason to bring it up again. I'm not a broken record.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 3:04pm

Roger that Cat - you already had the conversation....he does seem pretty in-tune with emotions etc. so I hope you are pleasantly surprised by him. If this is his first purchase he could be looking for many months until he finds the right place....then of course the landscape of your relationship will have changed. So who knows what might happen. I am sure, as a teacher, he can appreciate your desire to keep your daughter in her same school district.

My fingers are crossed for you,
Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 3:09pm

I echo Rose's sentiments.

One thing to consider - Alex will be done with HS in 4 years. I think it will take at least 2 to see if you would want to spend the rest of your life with MrHistory. And be engaged for a year? That only leaves one more year to worry about.

And it is going to take him time to get the financing in order and find a house - those things can take time. Plus you don't know what his job outlook will be. There are a lot of factors that can influence the future.

Another thing to consider is what would happen if Alex doesn't like her school in 2 years and he can offer you a much better district and she wants to move?

There are too many variables to get upset over something that hasn't happened yet. I would wait and see.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 3:19pm
Again, it's just irritation in not knowing if he is going to call one day after a month/two or so and tell me he found something and will be moving. The housing options with his funds are really FABULOUS, so he could get something within days. I just don't want to invest so many emotions or sit on pins and needles wondering when the bomb will drop. I know it sounds stupid, but I just want to be stress free and this isn't stress free again. I guess if he found something within the next two months, I could just remind him that I won't be moving forward with him in the relationship any longer and then the decision will be in his court, but then, it's a craps shoot and he might just choose the house over the relationship, as M and Frank did. Dating is a risk, but when you go into dating you want to be pretty darn sure you are on the same page. Which I thought. A perfect example is that Mr. History and I discussed having more children. He wanted to know if I was willing to have more children. And even though, it would be a HUGE HUGE HUGE scandal in my life to have more children (don't forget, I already have two from two different men), I would want more. I love children and if I had the right person in my life, I would like to have two more. So he knows this. I'm not going to base my failed relationships (baggage) on the fact that I might again get divorced and have 3 or 4 children to care for and each has a different father. I am going to want a bigger family with right man that wants the same with me and I'm going to get into it with the thought process that this will be forever. Anyway, the point is, we talked about that. Its one of the reasons we are still dating, because he wants a family and he knows I am willing to have more children for the right person. But that all has time and their is no real time limit on that. Ya know? Anyway, I totally took over this thread. LOL. Sorry for the hogging.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: zacknsarahsmom
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 3:26pm
He is already pre-qualified, he's looked at 10 houses yesterday and has another 10 tomorrow. Next year in July is when the 4 years would start, but realistically if we count today, it's in 5 years and I am not going to be engaged and in a relationship that long before I move. I actually have a time limit about how long I will stay in a relationship with a person before breaking it off and it isn't 5 years. As for the school and the district for Alex, we aren't moving. I won't allow Alex to go to a different school in the middle of High School. Final. My thought process is, she may hate the other one even more. She's a teenager. I am already going to move heaven and earth to put her in the one of her choice. We are going to start the school search in November, the lottery has to be filled out by January 1st.