My update

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
My update
4
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 10:08pm
I saw my x-bf again. That makes two time's he's come over since we broke up, which was the beginning of May I think. He is so much worse right now than he has ever been since he lost the move-away case and his son left. He's in so much pain, he's just lost hope and I feel like he's barely surviving. I don't even know what to post in my update. I feel kind of numb. I know I have to move on, and for the most part I am moving on (emotionally, I'm not going to move on to another relationship for a long while). I know I can't keep being there for him, and really, I'm not. We've talked or spent time together three times in almost 2 months. That isn't much. I wish I could be there for him, and if we were committed to each other then this would be a 'better or worse' situation. But he won't commit to me, he really doesn't want me to be there for him (or at least he won't admit he does or let me do that). I feel like he's holding on to me a little, but not much. I guess the only way I can end this is to just not answer the phone (which I know has been suggested to me, and I appreciate that). It's going to be so hard to do that. So far I've kept answering because I want to here something else, like how he feels about me and that he's ready to turn this around and make his life work and make the relationship with me work. I guess if he really wanted to say that, he could leave it on my voicemail and I could always call him back if I heard what I wanted to hear. I know I won't hear that though. I just have to remind myself of that the minute the phone rings next time. Ugh.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: firstamendment
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 10:34pm

Oh First, sorry it all has to be this way now. I know you want to have a different outcome and that this has been hard for you to put in perspective and come to grips with the way it is versus the way you want!!

And there is no way you could have done any better - you have really tried and you have really been there with him - always putting him first.

I think you know what you have to do now. Don't answer the phone. I am praying that when he realizes that you have truly and firmly slipped away from him, he will take the time to come to grips with his situation and realize there is nothing he can do right now. And I am hoping he will miss you and realize what he has lost. I think he needs to have total solitude to see all of this and put his life in order.

But anyway, I think this is one of those "let it go and see if it comes back" situations. If it comes back it is meant to be and if it doesn't then it isn't and something better will come along for you - it always does. You have to have faith about that.

If only we women could rely on our wills to keep a relationship together. But it is always 50% us and 50% from the man, too. And there is no changing that.

A big hug to you. You are so smart to have put yourself and your needs first. I think you have to focus on what you want in the end - and that is a fulfilling loving two-way-street committed relationship - and that means with him or without him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: firstamendment
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 7:39pm
Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: firstamendment
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 3:15am

Hi Darling,

I'm so sorry your going through all this pain. I admire you so much for how you are handling it. I don't think I could be as strong as you are. I also totally agree with what Judy said.

Big hugs sweetie!

- Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: firstamendment
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 10:13pm

Thank you. I have not heard from him since he was here last. Not calling him is easy, I just figure he doesn't want to talk to me and I have no urge to pick up the phone. But if he calls, that is when I have a problem because if he wants to talk then I want to answer. I haven't been tested since I decided I would not answer anymore, but if he doesn't call then all the easier. If he calls then I think I will be strong.

I am still having some bad days. Most of the time I'm okay. I saw this guy over the weekend that looked so much like J and that gave me a little setback of desperately missing him. And I even when I keep myself busy and focused on me and dd and our life, I still dream about him every night. Some are good dreams and some are just nuts. Like last night I had some dream that we were hanging out with a bunch of people having a nice time, then I woke up to pee and later dreamed that he called me saying he was drunk and standing on top of his desk at work and was about to be fired, and I had better get him a job where I work quick. He doesn't drink and he would never ask that kind of thing of me, but maybe the dream was about my wish to see him and if he worked where I worked then I could see him a lot. Maybe it was about my desire to 'fix' his situation for him. Who knows. But I do wish the dreams would stop, because it makes me wake up sad and missing him. I wonder if the dreams continue until I'm making more progress getting over him? When I stop dreaming about him at night, then my heart really is healing?

Anyways, thank you for your words. I know all things happen for a reason and one day I will be able to think of J without it being painful, I'm pretty sure of that, most of the time.

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