At my whit's end
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 05-25-2005 - 4:34pm |
hello all. i posted here a little while back and just need to vent again so i hope you all don't mind. my ex and i have been apart for 1 1/2 years. he moved in with another woman and her 2 children three weeks after leaving me and my 2 children. he has been sporadic in his interest in the kids. he thinks and says that he is doing the best he can, but of course it is no where near enough. he has hurt my daughter, who is 4 more than i can even begin to write about. my son thankfully is too young to even know what is happening. i finally starting receiving support when they garnished his wages and received it steady for about 6 months. about 2 months ago though he quit his job and he and the girl and her kids moved out of state with his mom. i have seen very little money since then b/c he has been working under the table. he finally got a job a few weeks back making 1/2 of what he was making before and now has petioned to have his support lowered b/c of his new wage. it is crazy how now i have to go back to court to deal with this. it is so hard b/c i am depleting the savings i worked so hard to accrue and will be left with nothing soon. i worry constantly b/c i make too much money to qualify for any assistance, but not enough to be able to do it all on my own. and i don't think that there is anything that can be done that would make him pay. he has said in the past that he would go to jail if that was what it came to!!!
my issue is this... i know that i have so much going for me. a good job, great kids, a nice guy that i am seeing, i own my own home, etc. etc. Yet....i cannot escape the misery that my past brings me. i am going to counseling and trying medication, but i am at a loss sometimes. i just feel like i should be happier. i can't seem to forgive myself though for making such a poor choice in a companion. i feel so bad for my kids and can't get past the repsonsibility i feel that they have to go through all of this.
i don't mean to sound like such a downer, it is just that this is driving me crazy. i can't seem to move on. i have no feelings for my ex at all, just anger at myself.
thanks for listening. i love reading everything you guys write!!

First of all hugs to you!!! I am so sorry you are having to go through this.
It is so hard when there are circumstances beyond your control that directly affect you. You have to realize that nothing your ex does is because of you and do not reflect on you. You can’t control him or what he does and how it affects your kids. To worry about this will only make you suffer.
Instead, it’s time to focus on what you can control. You can love and cherish your kids and make sure they have a safe and loving home. You can model happiness and independence to your daughter. Talk to a lawyer, they will usually give you a free consultation. Find out what options you have to collect the money from your ex. Ask if the legal fees can be charged to him. The law is on your side on this one, many states have task forces that go after “deadbeat” dads. If he wants to go to jail, let him. Let him know you are serious about this and don’t let him prey on your emotions. The state should continue to track all the money that he is not paying…it doesn’t get erased. He still owes it. Where I live, parents who don’t pay support eventually get their driver’s license revoked and can’t get employment without being reported.
Lastly, don’t get mad at yourself for your choices. There is a reason, actually two of them, that you HAD to be with this man…and those reasons are right there in front of you, staring up at you with big loving eyes….your kids! Your kids won’t blame you for their father’s choices, as long as you give them what they need from you. So keep your chin up and be proud of yourself for all that you have accomplished.
Good luck with the money situation. I know this can be really tough. I hope others will be able to give you some suggestions on what to do about that.
Hello, welcome and hugs to you. I do understand your burden of being a full time mom - what a weight on your shoulder. And never mind the pain you endured from your ex then and now. You sound so sweet and a mom is so special - I know it is unfair and hard for you.
I think that what Orange Clouds has said has proved to be very wise. You have 2 beautiful children. That in itself is lucky - not every woman who wants children can have them. And not every married woman is better off - Lacey Peterson is one example that comes to mind.
I would just like to add that you have to somehow find the silver lining in your cloud now.
I can tell you how I have adapted my thinking for my situation and hope that it will help you do the same. I have not always had it easy but seem to be in a bed of roses in life right now so to speak. I have used positive thinking and this has helped a lot - I have a rule - no poopy thoughts!!
I worked hard after the divorce to put my life back together - always working on the house bit by bit - even if it is just to clean and organize but sometimes it is to buy something pretty for us. Worked hard on my business to make it better and a little bigger. Worked on making myself very fit. Got rid of anything frumpy in my closet. Made new friends. All of this takes time - but every day you take positive steps and pretty soon the sum of all of those positive steps really adds up to a lot.
I have mulled the marriage and divorce over a thousand times. I have come to accept that we both did the best each of us could and it was not destined to work. He is only capable of so much and that is that. I have a lot to be thankful that he is not violent, on drugs or drunk and being dangerous to me, the kids or their future. He is not in my hair trying to micromanage everything I do. I get to make all of the decisions for DS. I get to spend a lot of time with DS. I am thankful for being able to put my son to bed everyday and be in his life. That is the blessing of being primary custodial - I would never trade that.
All the rest that my exh does is gravy - I expect nothing and am never disappointed this way. Granted, he does pay child support, and that helps.
My life is great right now - I am getting away with "murder" so to speak - my exh was always so negative and controlling - I could never have done half the things I am doing now if I was still married to him. I have so much freedom it is fantastic - and I am thankful every day for that.
No matter how bad you have it, it can always be worse - you have to make yourself happy by being grateful for what you have.
I don't want to poopoo your hardship - but only to try to tell you that you have all the power to make you and your life beautiful.
I hope I have helped. I am sure others here will have even better things to say.
Please stay and post with us!!
Oh honey ((((HUGS))))
I can totally relate to the pain you are feeling. I too was soooo angry with myself when I finally left my ex for good (had left and returned too many times to keep track of). I couldn't believe that I had put up with his garbage for almost 5 years, that I hadn't listened to myself when I constantly complained about how poorly he treated me. It took a long time to work through the feelings and to stop talking about him after I was done, it's been almost 4 years since we broke up- WOW, I didn't realize that! And it still hurts and I'm still angry, but I can turn it off faster now and say, "well, I just didn't know any better, but now I do and I can't change what happened".
I think it will take time to heal, and to work through the levels- like someone who suffers a loss goes through, sad, anger, acceptance, etc... I found it did help to write the experiences down and say, "ok, that's down on paper and out of my head, I can let it go now". Seeing a counsellor is good, but it will still take work at home too. It's still a very big wound in your heart and you need to work at it to heal, it won't close on it's own.
I also know it's hard to suddenly find yourself alone raising the kids and not getting financial support from the other parent is hard- but you will manage. I do suggest that you do examine your financial situation carefully and be willing to change your life a little to save money. That means looking at everything you spend money on and things you could be saving on. Can you downsize your home at all, move to a cheaper neighbourhood, trade in your car for something cheaper every month, consolidate your credit cards and keep only one, etc... You don't want to be eating away your savings just to keep your lifestyle the same as it was on a two income household- it's not realistic and will just hurt you in the end. You need to have that back up in case you get sick and cannot work, or lose your job to downsizing.
As for your ex, if he tries to take you to court to get his payments reduced, you should try to counter with the fact that he's living with someone and therefore enjoying a double income and HERS should be added to HIS to calculate his income to pay you support, not reduce it. Throw that in the ring next time you talk and see if he changes his tune.
(((((HUGS)))))
You will start to see things more positively soon and you will feel happy again. Once you get over that hump in the road you will giggle at yourself for being stuck on it, trust me. Now you said you have a great new man in your life, focus on that and how he makes you feel.
Remember, we're here to help- vent away.
Alison
Every time you have a negative thought, you need to push it away with a positive one. This little trick has worked wonders for me.
As soon as I hear that negative little voice telling me, "You're such a loser for marrying who you did and not leaving sooner." I chase it away by saying to myself, "I am smart for leaving when I did."
This works with money issues too. When I was going through my divorce, money was tight. My ex dragged me to court every chance he got. My son and I had to live with my parents for 2.5 yrs just so I could pay my lawyer fees without going in to debt. I used think, "I'll never own a house". Then, I'd make it a positive statement, "I will own a house some day." 3 years after my divorce was final I was able to buy a beautiful house that I'm so proud of. No one helped me buy this house. I did it for myself and couldn't feel prouder.
I'm sorry for you. You are in a lot of pain. I know what you mean about how you feel you "should be happier." Of course, you have good things, the house, job etc, But houses and jobs don't bring happiness in and of themselves so it really isn't strange at all that you are still sad. I'm in a similar place myself. My husband has been gone a year. Our divorce has been final a couple months. He DOES pay me and take the kids regularly and I can tell you that hasn't helped my sadness either. I'm sad because I wanted a husband, a relationship. I wanted a whole family, not a shattered one. What takes away the sadness from your dreams being stepped on? I've come to the conclusion that I need to ACCEPT this. I'm not sure how to best do this because it isn't happening naturally. Time isn't healing all wounds. I don't mean to talk so much about myself in your post thread but I wnated to let you know that you're not alone. We are in the same boat here so maybe we can support each other that way. Let's follow this great advice these ladies gave and focus on what we can change, like Judy said, and replace the sad thoughts with positive ones, like 1st amend. said. We'll survive! (I can hear Gloria Gaynor now!)
Amy
Oh Amy,
I know what you mean by how you want a husband and a family and not a shattered life. That pain is very deep and constantly gnaws. And the littlest things seem to set off such sad feelings. I think the holidays are HORRIBLE for this matter - maybe that is why I am in such a good mood now - I survived XMAS!!
I did go through a tough time of a few years where I would have sad moments unexpectedly - it was just last year that I had to shut myself in the bathroom on an airplane and cry my eyes out. I had been watching a mom struggle for an hour with a colicky baby and she broke down in tears. It reminded me of how I used to have to fly 7 hours with my colicky son to go and visit a MIL who didn't like me and put such a strain on my marriage - it was one of the things that ultimately undid it. (I did promote positive self talk in the bathroom - c'mon - he is not colicky now and she is not your MIL anymore! The MP3 player pulled me out of my funk thank goodness!)
Anyway, I think the only thing anyone can do is to live through it and have faith that it will get better. Being positive and busy helps. And surrounding yourself only with people who support and help you helps, too. You have to make a conscious effort to minimize contact with those who don't. I stopped participating in most of the social affairs at my son's school because of that. I only do classroom stuff that benefits my son. I even had to stay away from my sister for a while. I am very strict about putting myself and happiness first.
Somehow this has worked. I know it will work for you, too. You will find that there is more to life than being married. And you might even be at the envy of your married friends. It is a great accomplishment to be able to support yourself and be on your own with children. You are your own woman.
Something that has helped, too, is that I am doing so much now that I would not have been able to do had I stayed married. I mean, I just picked EVERYTHING for a pool without having to haggle with his taste. And I am racing like a fool in half ironmans - he would never have allowed me to train like this or travel like this. I can go in the mall and buy any clothes I want. I have wracked up a little bit of debt - not too much - but I am really living my life.
I do really want to be married to the right person and to have a fulfilling relationship. But I will only be tied down to the right person - I am not settling. And it is going to take nothing short of a prince to distract me from this lifestyle.
HUGS to you!! The sun WILL shine soon on you!!