My X is an ?!#!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
My X is an ?!#!!!
17
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 1:28pm
Just venting ladies. I am so sick of this dragged on legal crap. My divorce decree was done in 12/2005 then way after the deadline, my X contested it. It is still dragging on. His attorney sent mine a letter just before I left for Paris stating if I'd pay the $600 psycho boy owes the administrator to finish terminating the pension plan the whole matter would be done. Uh... what about the fact he owes me for healthcare and kid activity expenses in excess of $4000, and the other pension plan that requires a QUADRA to roll over to me, and he still hasn't paid 2004's federal taxes (our final joint return). And the offer had a deadline of 3/15. I was in Paris the whole time and had no knowledge of the "offer". The whole thing is a ploy by his slimy attorney to make it look like I am the one responsible for dragging this thing out so she can firm up some kind of case to get me to pay his fees- he won't pay them. The whole thing is stupid, it is so obvious that he is the one creating the problem but the court does nothing and will do nothing. I keep getting ordered to pay half the ever increasing fees. And the pension plan has 13 employees on it. I get to pay out of my personal funds for expenses of a business my X bought me out of. Argghh- QB tearing her hair out. My X is well off financially. He makes literally 10x what I do and I always have to pay half. How is this fair? And now they want me to pay it all?
Add to this his outburst when I picked up D3 and S15 when I got back from Paris Fri night. He was totally nutty, yelling at me about something that should have been no big deal, yanks open the rear passenger side door to scream "why don't you just stay in Europe you F*¢#ing B!*¢h!!" I didn't respond. Just calmly asked S15 to shut the door as his dad stormed off. The look on that kid's face. All day Sat psycho man was calling me, I refused to answer. The boys keep hearing his psycho messages on the answering machine.
I am just weary of the whole thing. I am feeling very down right now, just when I thought I was past letting this stuff get to me. I can't confide in M, he just gets really angry about the situation and can't understand how I seem to have no recourse. He does what he has agreed to do and doesn't understand how someone can get away with not doing what was agreed to in the divorce decree. I guess I just have to tell him I appreciate a hug but I'm not asking for him to solve my problem or offer advice. It'll cost me more in legal fees than what the court will likely order the psycho to pay. And then he'll still not pay. I'm all for Rebecca taking her time paying the money she owes her X- it's payback for ALL of us who have to deal with jerks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 2:52pm

Mostly a lurker here, occasional poster...but Queenbun I had to respond because your XH is SO much like mine. Complete narcissist, borderline alcoholic, yet very successful in business. He's also extremely angry with me for inconveniencing him by wanting a divorce (NOTHING is his fault), and does whatever he can to cause problems for me. At times completely irrational- screaming obscenities, etc.- just like you described.

I read a post of your's recently where you said that his alcohol problem & just general craziness have creeped over into his job since you've been apart...mine too...he's not able to hold it together as well anymore. I know mine has become estranged from some longtime friends too. Did you say your's had been reprimanded by the BOME? Holy cow if so- that is no joke. Coincidentally I am a hospital administrator and have seen how hard it is for even the sober impaired physicians to re-establish themselves.

I wish I was writing because I have some advice but I don't. If I ever figure out how to deal with these lunatics believe me I will write a book.

I do think I know why he flared up this time though (is your's quiet for a while then goes crazy again? mine is)- it's because you went to Paris. Mine cannot stand any evidence of me having a nice life without him- how DARE I? He practically ruined a trip of mine to Mexico 2 years ago with his crazy phone calls- since then I don't even ask him to keep the boys when I'm gone- I just pay a babysitter. He really considers keeping the kids VERY occasionally when I am gone a "favor" to me- and even if he agrees to it at first eventually just becomes enraged over the whole thing.

Oh & I also have a very sweet, supportive boyfriend that I can't talk to about this for the same reason...because he gets angry and wants to DO something. My father & my boss are in this same category...I have really only one friend that gets it that I can talk to.

Do you think your's will ever seek treatment? I really don't think mine will. He has a huge, crazy, rich family that supports him (emotionally I mean) and that really makes him think he's OK. However people with much worse stories have turned their lives around so who knows. I could deal with it but it just really sucks for our kids to have such a crazy father (mine are only 8 & 6- they haven't figured out how crazy he is yet- BOY I am dreading that).

Hope it helps at least to know you're not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 3:59pm
Thanks for the feedback, validation, I am not alone in this response. Yes, our X's are very much the same. And yes, I suspect the whole going to Paris thing has wigged mine out to no end. I'm not supposed to be happy, but I am. I'm just letting this recent episode bother me too much due to the never ending legal stuff. I really feel like I have no control over the situation, totally disenfranchised.
I kind of half expected that he'd freak at some point when I told him about this trip, but he was calm when we discussed taking care of our daughter, and I gave in totally to letting her be with his family while I was gone rather than staying with my mom while he was at work. Stupidly, I thought that would make him happy, offset his anger somehow. Just another quiet before the storm episode. And yes, he sees taking our daughter as some huge favor I now owe him for- he insisted on having her, it was a concession on my part to not have her stay with my mom.
On Sun he called, acting like the past 2 days never happened, and asked if the boys wanted to go to a Spring Training baseball game with him- both responded immediately and in unison "Hell no! no F-ing way!" They are both livid about his recent behavior.
No, he'll never seek mental help, we went to joint counseling for a bit- totally a waste of time, but good for me. It made me see he'll only get worse and the counselors flat out told me I was in a toxic situation. He's a narcissist and that disorder is nearly impossible to treat, they just spiral out of control. And yes, his family are total enablers. They know his behavior is unexcusable, but they've never allowed him to suffer the consequences for his actions. His parents are now living with him and my S15 says he yells at them.
The kids do figure it out and deal with it in their own way. Around age 12 my S18 realized something was wrong with his dad because his friend's dads were nothing like his dad, especially how they treated the mom. All his friend's fathers put their kids first, his own father put working out at the gym ahead of attending a championship swim meet S18 had worked his butt off qualifying for. S18 is comfortable with his choice to not have a relationship with his father. S15 hangs on to the few good times when dad is "normal". Sadly, that's how I stuck with the guy for 30 years. I found counseling for the kids in their early teens was very helpful. They get validation that their feelings are normal and OK, and to follow the behavior of the sane parent.
And yes, the whole BOME thing totally scares me. For this guy to be that out of it, that he's making those kinds of errors is just scary. I worry that if he loses his license it will cause him to implode and strike out at an easy target- me or our kids. Thank God I no longer am legally liable for his debts should a patient successfully sue for malpractice. The issue that he'd be unable to pay child support is not much of a concern to me. I have always managed to live within my means.
Yes, M's response is exactly like your BF's. Male instinct to protect their loved ones and to take action. So I just have to vent here, spare M the extra angst. He has enough with his X's wacky manic/depressive behavior.
Sorry you too have these issues to deal with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 4:20pm

Sorry you had to go through that, QB. I think there is no worse feeling than having to watch an exh hurt the kids the same way he did you - I do experience that from time to time - although these stories here make me appreciate that my situation could be a lot worse.

We are always here for vents. It stinks to parent alone - never mind to have to deal with a crazy x - that is for sure. Hopefully you can figure out a way to put the legal headache behind you - once and for all - maybe you are going to have to give up something just to settle so the legal bills don't get too high. What does your lawyer say about all of it?

I think if I was you, I might be inclined to hide the things that show I am doing well just to keep things smooth. I do that a lot here. I remember my exh went off the deepend when I got a new car. And he was really unsettled when he saw we had a new pool. Unfortunately those big things I cannot hide. But the smaller things I do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 5:03pm
Thanks for your support. And believe me, I keep giving up tons of stuff, it doesn't ever seem to do any good. He just finds some new issue to keep the drama going.
I took lower than mandated child support, I took the lowball valuation of the practice/med lab, I accepted his getting away with giving the OW one of our cars to remove it from community property, and paying himself an enormous bonus in 2004 to again remove money from community property. I've paid for way more than I should on these pension plan issues, I put up with his not showing up on time for me to pick up D3, and I'm ready to throw in the towel on the medical expenses, kids extra curricular expenses. He'll never pay a dime of D3's preschool tuition, but at least I can get out of paying for the extended care hours he uses. I've already agreed to just pay the $600 just to get the pension plan issue out of my life, we'll see what good it does.
And if I could have avoided telling him about Paris I would have. Our decree states specifically that we have to notify one another if we are leaving the country, a month in advance, regardless of whether or not the kids are going with us. I'm just stuck. He makes outrageous demands and says it'll all go away if you agree to XYZ. I agree and then 2 weeks later I get a lawyer letter demanding ABC. Sigh...
But I am trying to keep myself positive. I did have a great time in Paris, I love my classes and look forward to my new career, I have a great guy in my life, 3 loving, healthy kids, and am financially secure. I guess I'm having a hard time processing that the legal system just does not protect you, it is easily abused, and the more money one has the more one can abuse the system. Even the best attorney can't stop him. There are members of this board whose situations are worse than mine, not as expensive, but definitely worse, and they get little protection from the legal system.
Thanks again for letting me vent. I'm feeling better now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 7:53pm

OMG - his actions are HIDEOUS. Just HIDEOUS. I can totally see where you are at the end of your rope with him finding new stuff all the time. You have given up a lot.

You do indeed have a lot to be grateful for. And I don't think he will ever have the capability to be happy with what he has or to have what you do. You must be so happy that you are not with him. For sure.

HUGS and more hugs!! We are all always here for vents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 9:54pm

Oh Sweetie- if ANYone here "gets it", its me. Im so sorry. The court system is SO F'd up. SO SO SO bad.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 9:56pm

Oh, & one more thing. I also hate when well meaning people cant GET "why".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 9:59pm

Just chiming in here with the crazy psycho alcoholic-loony, up & down, sometimes horrid, sometimes semi- sane, angry-at-the- world-but-especially-at-me b/c I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:01pm
& i TOTALLY agree with when they wig out. Mine tends to have cycles (he IS BiPolar, I swear) of weeks at a time of semi-sanity & calmness. Then weeks of insane rantings, threats, etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:44pm

LOL...I sometimes wonder if it's better or worse that they have financial/business success. As my therapist says financial security is my XH's one good quality...but then it gives them another means to fight us.

I swear my XH seems Bi-Polar too, but it doesn't exactly fit. Sometimes I think...maybe rapid cycling? Other times maybe slow cycling? There is a mental health diagnosis out there somewhere for him though, that is for sure!

Totally agree about their quiet times & what fires them up. I've had a boyfriend for 1.5 years now & XH has never mentioned him...and has been largely quiet and leaving me alone for a while now. This kind of made sense (in the realm of normal- ha!) because we have been divorced for THREE YEARS. I figured the boys had been mentioning things about the BF to him all along and he was OK with it because of course I'm going to move on at some point. Foolish me...apparently they haven't mentioned him much (because they are BOYS) and have started to lately (why? don't know...direct questioning maybe...but who knows why he didn't do it sooner) and XH has ramped up the crazy again. His specialty is harassing insane phone calls. The other day I realized he knows my BF's last name & what he does for a living...GREAT, I'm sure he'll start calling him now too.

Oh & I thought many times about posting to you about Carlos- but figured you were getting plenty of advice and didn't need more from a stranger. But I had my own Carlos too...a completely lovable, wonderful guy but hopeless commitmentphobe. You did great though and I bet will meet someone great soon.

Hugs to all of us with the crazy X-spouses!

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