Nagging Gut

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Nagging Gut
26
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 5:37pm

I'm not sure what it is that is bugging me, but my gut has been nagging me. For some reason, I just feel like a shoe is going to drop with Hiker & I. Something like he and his ex deciding to get back together just to help his DS or something like that. Although the entire time we've known each other and have been dating, he's reassured me that he doesn't want to get back together with her.


But the fact that he will still allow her to come stay at his house when she has no place to go- and that he used DS as one of the reasons why he allowed it at first, even when he didn't want to... he said it would be good for DS to spend some time with his mom. But I didn't think she had to be LIVING there for them to spend time together! There was just something about that. But as I watched things for red flags, he showed me that there IS nothing between them, and that he is with me because he wants to be with me. So I know there isn't anything romantic between them.


But I do know Hiker enough to know that he could give up himself or his happiness

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shrimpychimps
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 5:46pm
Big hugs to you chickie!!!
 
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: shrimpychimps
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 5:53pm

I wonder about discerning the difference between my gut/intuition and my subconscious fears.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: shrimpychimps
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 6:21pm

Shrimpy,
I think the over-analyzing/insecurity demon has jumped you. Hiker has a big family issue to deal with and I hope that is all that is going on, but before you drive yourself nuts with what it might be, call and let him know you're thinking about him and that you are there if he needs to talk. If there is something more to his lack of communication of late, he will have the opportunity to tell you.
I really don't think that having the parents who don't get along get back together will help a teen who has made poor choices. The kid made the choice, he should be held accountable. His parents, their divorce, are not the reason for the kid's choice. Mom sounds rather unstable herself if she's back with Hiker, unable to provide for herself. Would he really think getting back together would be in anyone's best interest? Hopefully, Hiker realizes that a stable woman in his life (YOU) helps him be a better, more stable parent.
M also has boundary issues with his X and he feels sorry for her so he sometimes makes choices that drive me crazy. I would NOT have been OK if she moved back in with him and would have walked. Really nice people are the preferred prey of the total whack jobs, I just couldn't cope with M not keeping that kind of distance from his X.
Hope it turns out OK. (hugs)

QueenBun

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: shrimpychimps
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 6:39pm

I never want to minimize your instincts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: shrimpychimps
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 6:49pm

Oh dear heavens.

Okay - deep breaths.

I think she could stay at his house a bit to help. BUT I think they would argue like cats and dogs as you have said and then she would move. And it wouldn't work - I don't think it is like they will do something that drastic like get married again to help their DS.

AND he is not that worried about his DS or he would not have pulled the NYE stunt.

So I think you need to get real busy and let all of them sort it out. Hang in there. I would be so stressed too if I was you. I guess what you have to remind yourself of - that is their situation and he is with you because he wants to be with you - and there is no right or wrong for these divorced family situations.

I don't know - maybe the others will help more. Sorry SHRIMPS - this would stress me too.




Edited 1/3/2008 8:43 pm ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
In reply to: shrimpychimps
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 7:21pm

Hey Shrimps...


I find myself feeling the same things you are feeling sometimes, brought on by not knowing something. In this case, your intuition is telling you that he is witholding some information. I have a tendancy to follow my gut, but I have learned to do it carefully (for example..when my gut tells me that Blue Eyes has something to tell me, I have learned the hard way that it is not necessarily something as bad as I am imagining. I ask now, is there anything you would like to talk about...rather than jumping the gun as I used to.)


No doubt Hiker loves you and only you. He divorced his Ex for a good reason. His big heart is maybe both an asset and a detriment sometimes. Blue Eyes is exactly the same way..he would give the shirt off his back for anyone who asks him..not always the strongest boundaries.


Perhaps you can call him, and simply ask how things are going..open up the door to talk and vent to you. You might be right that he is afraid to talk to you about his ex, but knowing how open and receptive you are (not to mention supportive) I feel certain that he will talk it out..with you.


Hang in there girlie. You gotta great guy and hopefully, you can talk to him very soon, and clear the air.


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
In reply to: shrimpychimps
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 7:32pm
Oh, I'm so sorry you're having these awful feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: shrimpychimps
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 8:59pm

Thanks, yall…


~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: shrimpychimps
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 9:08pm

Oh dear. You better bake cookies or something.

It might help you to check in with him and see how stuff is going. If his exw stayed a little longer to help with their son it could be okay?

The longer she stays with him the better because the more she irritates him and makes him glad he is not with her.

The positives I see are that you and he are fine and have a long history - and this is a bump that he has to deal with. I can totally understand how it would throw you - but as I see it - this is one of those things that does resolve itself in time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: shrimpychimps
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 9:34pm

My eyes are falling out of my head Im so tired, so i didnt just read your 2nd response here, the big one - but i read your 1st issue & the responses up till now ... so forgive me if I am repeating anything ...


But, i think you should just let him know you are there to listen. If a few more days goes by & things still seem "weird", then call him on it. You seem to have wonderful communication with him - dont let it go now, when it may be the most important.


Im going to say something i dont want you to take the wrong way - but ... IF he decides to go back to his XW b/c of his childrens issues, it MAY BE b/c he is "too nice for his own good" ... but, if that happens, do you REALLY want someone who would let himself be manipulated by someone like his wife. Sure, maybe its b/c he's a good guy & he is trying to do whats best for his son, but it would be SO wrong - & i would worry that if he could do it NOW, after all this time with you, then there is something internally wrong.


Make sense? (((((((hugs))))))) & hoping you are way off base! xo

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