Naming Questions
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| Thu, 07-05-2007 - 6:33pm |
I guess I could've made this into a poll, but I find it hard to actually discuss things in a poll format. Just wondering about a few things in regards to names:
1) What do you call your ex- "the ex", "my ex", "the kids' dad/mom", or do you use his/her first name? (or maybe you use some other term)
2) Do you find you use a different term for your ex depending on who you're talking to (friends, family, kids or SO)?
3) If you have a partner (or think back to recent past partners/dates), what does he/she refer to his/her ex as? Any of the same terms as you use?
4) Does it matter to you what he/she uses to call their ex?
I'm just curious, because sometimes I think it is more than 'just a name' and I was wondering if there was any consistency or truth to what a person calls the ex and how he/she is ready for a relationship (or not). So thanks for thinking this stuff over and responding!
~shrimpy

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I say "my former spouse" or now more often when I am talking in the context of my children, "their mother."
I am aware of the power of language and the term "ex" makes it sound derogatory. I don't like to prepetuate negativity.
Mark
I agree that to me personally "x" sounds too negative. I also feel like he has become a totally different person since OW came into our lives and he decided to leave (not just me but pretty much ours kids as well). So he isn't the guy who was my husband; he's someone else.
So to people who have always known us, I use his name. To people who didn't know us or didn't know us well, I say "the kids' father" or "my former husband".
I haven't had anyone in my life who would have cause to call him anything. This guy I know from college with whom I've had one date and am going on a second date with, he follows my lead and calls him "your kids' father".
I don't know that it would matter to me what the person calls his former spouse. It is more of how he speaks of her. With all the crazy stuff my former husband has pulled since we separated (and I'll spare you) I don't speak ill of him to anyone except my sister, my best friend and my therapist (and my lawyer). Oh and of course to my friends here!
Hah! This poll couldn't come at a more funny time for me. My current date, the lifeguard, has the same first name as my exh!!!!! And he doesn't know it just yet..... Not that I have kept it from him - but we haven't gone through the whole "your ex" scenario. We are comparing our "when we have our kid" schedule - so it is bound to pop up soon.
Anyway, when talking to family members, I use his name. When discussing stuff here I use exh. When discussing it with prospective dates I use "my son's dad" - it just depends. I never try to be derogatory with it really. I do find it funny here because I know the havoc they all cause on our lives as single parents.
Very interesting shrimps!! Can't wait to read all the input.
I never thought of it that way- that using the term "ex" was being negative. I just use 'ex' because it's much shorter than saying 'ex-husband' or 'former husband'. Call me lazy! lol
I've called my ex both, 'the ex' and 'my ex'. But sometimes I notice that when I'm not happy with his latest antics, I tend to use 'THE ex' more often- because using the 'my' made him more closely associated with me- and I didn't want to be associated with him! lol
I've also noticed that back when the divorce was fresh, I didn't like referring to him by his real name because that meant I had to SAY his name... and to use "the ex"- it impersonalized it. Now that time has passed, and things aren't heated anymore and we've both moved on... I find that I refer to him by all sorts of names now, including his real name, 'the ex', 'my ex' and also 'the kids' dad'. That would depend on who I was talking to. If it was someone who knew my ex, then I would use his real name. If it was just an acquaintance, then it would be 'my ex' or 'the kids' dad'.
I guess I'm sort of questioning whether anyone had any of the same experience here- with the use of the ex's real name being a gauge of how "over it" you are about the past?? Or if you've found that to be true with past partners or dates?
Hiker never referred to his ex using her name when talking to me, until just recently. That might've been because I only just recently met her finally... but for the most part, he now calls her "DS's mother" because the only time we ever bring her up is when we're talking about H-son staying with her or something.
I also think (my brain runneth over today!) that to refer to an ex as the kids' mom/dad kind of separates him/her from us as well. Instead of him being MY ex or the ex, as in having to do with MY relationship... he is the kids' dad- and the only relationship there is with the kids, and not me. Does that make sense?
I guess I'm just trying to figure out if there was any way to even use this name-calling thing as a way to see how much someone is over his or her ex??? Or if there was any trend/truth to the choice of names, then we could be aware of whatever signals we might be sending to future dates.
Or maybe I just need to stop analzying things to death. lol ;-)
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
When I first talk about my X husband to someone, I refer to him as: My X husband Harry. Then after that I might say it ONE more time, but after that I just use his first name. If they want a reminder, they will just have to ask.
I used to call my oldest DD the sperm donor to everyone I knew. Which is an AWFUL terminology, but I consider him as nothing more anyways, but have since grown up and moved away from the terminology. It made me realize I was just being degrading, angry and immature. Now I just say "Alex's Dad".
1. most often DD/DS's Dad - or sometimes I use his first name. The only time I refer to him as my ex is if the person I'm talking to doesn't know him or my kids.
2. Yes - if the kid are around - then he's "Dad".
3. My SO doesn't have an ex wife.
4. NA
This could be interesting. I'll go back and read the other responses after I post.
1) What do you call your ex- "the ex", "my ex", "the kids' dad/mom", or do you use his/her first name? (or maybe you use some other term)
Different stuff I actually call him by is name more than anything
2) Do you find you use a different term for your ex depending on who you're talking to (friends, family, kids or SO)?
Definitely (ex to people that don't know him, his name to those that do and daddy to my kids.
3) If you have a partner (or think back to recent past partners/dates), what does he/she refer to his/her ex as? Any of the same terms as you use?
Haven't really had a partner so I can't answer this. A few dates but none that I went out with more than a couple of times so we didn't talk about my ex.
4) Does it matter to you what he/she uses to call their ex?
I guess I'll have to wait and see on this. I would hope they would be somewhat respectful. If they are using nasty terms to describe someone that they promised to spend their life with, I don't think I would want to spend much time with them.
I was not married to Ds's father, so 'ex-husband' is kind of out for me.
I call my ex husband my ex, unless I'm talking to his family, and the rare occassions he comes up, I call him by his name. I don't talk about him much at all, and very very few of the people in my life now knew me when I was with him, so it doesn't come up often. I call my son's father "Droid's dad" unless he has recently ticked me off, in which case I call him by his name. Again, I don't talk about him often, so it isn't like there's a need to think up something else to call him.
funnyguy refers to his ex as either his ex or by her name.
I am not sure it matters to me what a SO calls their exes, I think it's how they talk about them that is more telling than how they refer to them.
Good topic!
Moody
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