Natural Progression
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| Mon, 01-29-2007 - 9:27am |
This really isn't a situation where I'm digging for advice or opinions, though any opinions or thoughts are always welcomed, as usual!
But with Hiker and I... the last 2 Sundays, he has invited us (me and my 2 boys) to his house for dinner. His son (teen) has been there both times, but last night he was sick and stayed in his room, didn't socialize. So it was basically just me, Hiker and my boys... just hanging out, watching some tv, playing some air hockey and just entertaining ourselves simply while he cooked (simply dinner of hamburgers, corn on the cob and baked potatoes). We sat down and ate together at the table, and then watched some more tv (Cartoon Network- lol)- with the kids mostly watching tv and laughing at stuff, and Hiker and I snuggled up on the couch (nothing nutty, just sitting right next to each other and holding hands). It was nice & quiet.
Last Sunday, it was much more nutty, with Hiker's son, grandson, me and my boys there all afternoon, all there for watching some of the NFL playoffs and having dinner. We'd all played some air hockey, some pool, the kids all went out and played in the snow. Dinner then was more casual (ate at the coffee table in front of the game & cheering or booing) and with a couple of his daughters popping in and out at some point during the evening. One time his youngest daughter (20's) and boyfriend came by with their new 5-mo. old baby boy (my first time to meet the baby and the boyfriend). They grabbed a quick bite as Hiker held the baby, and as my oldest son tried to play with him (like he was a doll- yikes!). They all left. Then later, his oldest daughter (also 20's) came by with Hiker's 2 youngest granddaughters (2 yrs and almost 1 yr), and left the girls there for him to babysit while she and her husband went to a movie. That was my first time to meet ANY of them! Anyway, there we were- Hiker and I, with a house full of kids!! It was fun to hold a little baby again, though it did NOT make me want another of my own! I am SOOO done. lol ;-)
So anyway, I just find it odd that Hiker has invited us over for 2 Sundays in a row, and yesterday was really "for no reason" because at least the weekend before, we were getting together to watch the game. Yesterday, his son was sick, and there was NOTHING to watch on tv (which explains Cartoon Network making the pick!)- so what was the reason to have us over? It was SOO not an opportunity for anything special- but just for us to simply hang out together. Again- it was nice... but I guess it's just odd to me. I think Hiker just likes having these kinds of "hanging out with the kids" kind of situations. I remember that he wanted to do stuff like that when we first started dating in Fall of 2005- and I put a stop to it, because I didn't want my kids to be part of our dating. Although this "hanging out" is not really dating. I guess that in the beginning, I felt like we HAD to concentrate our time on dating, and seeing only each other, WITHOUT involving the kids while we got to know each other. The good thing is, Hiker understood my point and stopped inviting us over for anything. He didn't push any kid involvement unless I was the one who suggested it. It's not only until these past 2 weeks that he has been inviting us over again.
Now, we obviously know each other... but yet I'm still cautious (and finding it odd, even though it's NICE) about having us do things with the kids. We've been dating nearly 1.5 years now... (how's THAT for going slow?!?) and so I suppose it wouldn't be bad to lift that 'sanction' of mine about not letting the kids be around for Hiker-and-I things. And when we all get together like this, it's not like a date anymore- but more like a bunch of friends just hanging out together. I feel like "one of the boys" when it IS just a group of males there.
I still don't plan on us doing the "group thing" EVERY weekend, because I still feel like we should keep the kids separate to a degree, and not so much "playing house"- but I suppose that it'd be okay every now and then, now that so much dating time has passed. Right? I'm definitely not trying to blend families, and I don't sense that he is, either. I think he just likes having us all together, and likes to cook for everyone.
I should probably just stop trying to analyze, and just enjoy it as it is. Not really a situation for advice I guess- but just tossing it all out there for opinions.
~shrimpy, thinking too much- and handing over the thinking cap to someone else

Hi Shrimpy,
I definitely agree with you that you still need your precious time as a couple with Hiker, even though you have enjoyed spending time with all the kids there too. Maybe he presumed your veto had been lifted after you accepted the first time, and enjoyed it so much that he dared to ask you again. Seems like he was thrilled to bits!
Why are you holding back? I take the point about wanting not to rush things (and nobody will accuse you of that, tee hee) but I wonder are you scared of something? Perhaps of losing the special one-on-one bond that you guys have, which is so special? Are you worried about the kids getting attached?
I take your point about it feeling odd to be all together - it's bound to feel like that at first as you aren't used to it. But it does seem to me like natural progression.
Keep making time for you two, and enjoy the moments when you're all together too!
Clem xx
I think that is lovely, Shrimps! I think as long as you can balance time alone with your kids, time alone with Hiker and the group thing, why not have it all? And surely enough time has passed for you to take this next little step as long as you like it? Maybe it will help you both see clearly what is in your future?
That Hiker is a fun/funny guy!!
You titled this natural progression for a reason. It is natural for you both to incorporate the kids into some of your activities. And you obviously are going slow, keeping it light when they're around, and from all appearances, everyone's enjoying this.
So, relax already! Things are going well, and NO ONE can say you're rushing anything.
Oh, and be glad you got a man who cooks!!!
Moody, who hates cooking
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"Why are you holding back? I take the point about wanting not to rush things (and nobody will accuse you of that, tee hee) but I wonder are you scared of something? Perhaps of losing the special one-on-one bond that you guys have, which is so special? Are you worried about the kids getting attached?"
I think I am partially worried that the kids will get attached, though it's not like I think Hiker will suddenly walk away. I have had the kids get attached to past BFs before- and then ask about them when we break up. But really- they do get over it, because it's never been a situation where we've lived together and they've gotten to where they depend on the BF for anything but entertainment. But still- I'm cautious about letting them get too attached unless I know there is a ring and/or marriage in the works. And with Hiker and I- it's not that way. There is no talk of rings nor marriage, because neither one of us are in a hurry for that.
I'm not afraid of losing our one-on-one time, because we will always have that. We enjoy our adult time too much to always do group activities with the kids around!
I think that if I'm holding back, it's more that I am simply not ready for the whole family blending, living together, combining everything-ness of getting married. But it's not like I'm not wanting to EVER get married again... just not looking at it in the immediate future. Can't say how far, but I can't see it happening in even 2-3 yrs. I just don't think I'm ready to jump into that boat again yet! I see it as something that might happen once all his kids are out of the house, or once my kids are much older. For some reason, I just don't see having all these kids living together in the same house. I'm not sure why... I just don't.
Sure does give me some things to examine or mull over! And it gives me all the reason in the world to just sit back and let things go slow as usual- because I really don't want to rush or push anything.
Thanks for your thoughts!
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Thanks to you both, West & Moody! I know you guys have followed Hiker & I for what seems like forever, and you know that 'going slow' is surely like our flashing license plate or something! I know I am not rushing into anything, but I guess I'm just trying to make sure I still don't. Especially when this new development involves the kids... I just have to be more sure.
I guess it's just that I'm not entirely sure of our goals and future path, even though I am very sure about who we are as a strong relationship, and who we are as good friends. I know he isn't one of those guys who are only out for himself and what he can get. He is definitely a safe and secure place for me.
Yeah, I need to just relax. And stop thinking so much. lol
It's also fun that I got him hooked on watching Heroes and now I know how much of a Sci-Fi geek he is. And we have that as something we share, too. :-)
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Shoot Ang! You have been hanging around ME too long .... stop analyzing.
Oh how frightening, that "Gramma" term!!! Even if we got married and I'm only a STEP-Grandma... yikes! I just can't imagine being called a "grandma" yet! (But that is not the reason why I am going slow with Hiker!)
And I think you must've rubbed off on me with the analyzing. LOL
We have been dating for almost 1.5 yrs, but we see each other only once a week, maybe twice. It's been that way since we started, and hasn't really changed. We talk on the phone probably 4-5 nights a week (on the nights we don't have a date) and on occasion, we take a trip together. So I don't think our dating is any more often than you and Carlos see each other. (Even though WE live but a few miles (5 min) from each other!) But overall, it's surely not like we've blended our everyday lives together because we DON'T see each other constantly! I just know **I** am not ready to have someone around constantly. In fact, I am always trying to eek out more time for myself to spend alone without the kids just to get that ALONE TIME I need!! It's not that I'm trying to find more time to spend that is simply kid-free and WITH someone. It's time with JUST ME and NO ONE else. I really do like (and IMO, need) time to myself where I can do whatever I want without having to interact constantly... and I think that to get married, I would have even LESS time to myself than I do now. I remember when Marlboro Man started hanging out here alot back when we'd dated... I was feeling smothered by him, even though I did enjoy his company. I just didn't want him here ALL the time!!!
Maybe I'm just not cut out to being married or living with someone... something else to consider, because if I just find out that I don't want to be married, and Hiker does... then that would become a big problem. But like I said- for now it's not really a big deal, since neither one of us is altar-hunting. We just like dating exclusively (we know we are WITH each other, no others in the picture, no looking for others) and having things just as they are. It's been over a year that we've had this once-or-twice-a-week dating schedule- and it's been a good amount for us. Neither one is begging for more time, or begging for less time. It just works for us. I think that is what I mean by "dating indefinitely"... because we are okay with things just as they are, and not pushing or looking for a change.
Maybe I want my cake and eat it, too. I have Hiker and all the fun times with him, someone to share things with, do things with, the sex! and at the same time, I keep my own house, my own finances and do what I want with my own life. And I suppose- from his point of view, the same.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Shrimps,
You are so kind to share your true thoughts with us on this matter. Because I feel the same way you do. I have often wondered if my independence thoughts would change when with someone.
I totally understand how you would not want to do the blended thing right now. I mean, you are enjoying your two sons, running your own house and supporting yourself. And you have a lot of neat interests for yourself to boot.
I love that about my life - so much so that it is scary sometimes because it makes me thing the "getting married and blending stuff" is something I perhaps outgrew. I mean, it is not really that easy to live with someone and now that we are all older, set in our ways and with growing children to boot, does that make it almost impossible? Is it something we are more suited for in our younger years?
I mean, I love calling all the shots. What we spend money on, where we go, what the house looks like, vacations, on and on.
I don't think I would like to blend my DS with another man and his children. At least I have not seen a scenario like that in a while.
You have done so well - and we do appreciate your story and all of your thoughts. I think the diversity and support of this board is huge. Don't know what I would do without it.
Edited to add: I wonder if this spending group time together will somehow entice you to want to blend or to feel a purpose for doing so? I mean, if you see how everyone feels important and contributes something? And especially with your exh being sick? Keep us posted, okay?
Edited 1/30/2007 10:55 am ET by cl-west1745