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| Fri, 02-23-2007 - 8:41am |
So here's the deal.....
Wed. night my boyfriend and I had sex for only the third time. The first time wasn't very good because I honestly was overtired and sore from snowmobiling the day before plus it was in the morning and I'm not a big fan of it that time of day. The second was MUCH better and romantic but a day later he asked for feedback. I was honest and told him I thought it was great and he did everything right. He said, "yeah, it was really good". OK whatever, doesn't mean it was bad right? So Wed. night we're laying in bed just relaxing and I asked him "so what did you think?" his reply......"well, it didn't suck". OMG!! I didn't know what to say! I asked if I did anything wrong or something he didn't like and he said "no it was fine." FINE? Thats what you say about dinner not sex! I did just about everything but stand on my head!! And not for nothin' but he could use a map down there if you know what I mean. I guess I was too taken aback to say anything at the time.
In trying to give him the benefit of the doubt I emailed him the next morning and thanked him for fixing my computer that night and included that I thought the evening ended on a really good note ;-) Again he replied with "yes, like I said it didn't suck."
Is he just talking to me like I'm one of the guys or what? I'm confused? I know he's sometimes not good with words but he's given me better compliments about my cooking than this. We were just friends for a really long time before dating too so he knows my history and I hoped he would consider the fact that I'm a bit self conscious especially in the bedroom because my exh cheated (more than once). We've had specific conversations where I told him that it made me feel like I just wasn't enough for my exh.
Honestly there's a couple of things that bother me about his bedroom habits but since he's a sensitive guy I wouldn't ever make him feel less than great. I even told him that if there was something he did/didn't want me to do that he should just tell me. But instead he said, "I don't talk during sex, its just who I am". OK well then tell me after. Not for nothing but he doesn't "take care of it" on his own either. There's nothing wrong with that I've just never met a guy who doesn't.
I'm far from being prude and I've got a pretty high libido. I've slept with guys since leaving my ex too and they all told me I was great or at least after would use words like; wonderful, amazing, etc. I'm not trying to brag but jeez.
Aside from this he's really thoughtful and sweet. He does like to cuddle and is open to anything I want to do. He always compliments every meal I make and even notices when I've actually attempted to "put myself together" and dress really nice. I just don't get it? Am I overanalyzing again?
Any advice or comments are welcome as always.

I'm on my way out and will post more later, but I think you should just try communicating with him- outside of the bedroom.
Some guys don't express well. Some don't know how. Some don't see the need. I've known guys who think if they're wanting to do it again, that means it was good, and they shouldn't have to say anything about it. Men often think in literal terms. They use words sparingly, and can't understand why women need to hear them as often as we sometimes do.
Relax, enjoy it- AND teach him how to do what you like. Just because he's sensitive doesn't mean he shouldn't know what you like. You can do it in a funny, playful way without hurting his feelings. But yours are important too.
Moody, thinking lead by example is appropriate sometimes
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It sounds like maybe his ego is hurting a bit somehow. Maybe he always asks because he's self concious...maybe he feels he has to ask because you don't tell him right away or maybe he doesn't feel like he's good?
I would probably make a joke out of it like "Didn't suck huh? Well that's not gonna get you *explicit sexual reference*". Or next time I saw him, if this were me, would use that comment to start another sexual episode "So did it NOT suck...like this?"
Maybe he just needs some over the top boosting to get him out of being so self concious.
~ drgnflygrl, feeling a bit randy!
ooh, sensitive topic! I don't like that whole "was it good for you?" type of scenario!!! It is almost like just asking for a let-down. Just like asking someone if he/she is the "best you've ever had"... that is just ASKING for someone to lie to you! ;-)
Okay, not to make light of your situation, sekalen- but my view on sex and sexual talk is that it should be like "adult playtime" and not so serious. I love for my sexual time to be "romping in the bed" and not like a time to "show I care". I want to see the emotional feelings and caring in OTHER parts of the relationship for sure- but I really do try to keep bedroom episodes a bit more like playtime. I think putting too much meaning into every sexual encounter can put a damper on the whole sexual experience and the fun of it all. It doesn't always have to be a super better-than-the-last-time type of thing. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's great, sometimes it's not-so-good, sometimes it "doesn't suck"... but just like pizza- even when it's bad, it's still pretty good. ;-)
I know what you mean though- about getting some better exclamations from your partner. I get that from Hiker. He can be SUCH a "dull guy" when it comes to expressing himself!!! I ask how his dinner is, and it's always "It's good" and it sounds so mediocre!!! My decriptions would be like "It's delicious!" or "Yummy!" or "This is wonderful!" and my descriptions are always more colorful. Same with comments about sex. While I won't ask him "how was it?" I have heard him make comments and his are more like "that was nice" or "that was really nice" and I have to just accept that the fact that he MADE a comment means alot because he usually doesn't comment much about ANYTHING. And to get a "Really nice" out of him- I accept that as my equivalent of "WOW! THAT BLEW MY MIND!!!" because that is just how he is. lol Just not as colorful in expressions as I am. When I enjoy something I'll let him know, but he's just not as quick to jabber about it like I am.
A deal-breaker? No, not to me... though some days I do find myself wishing he could be more expressive. But I can't expect him to be just like me. I have to accept him as HIM, and I guess- to read more into his way of expressing himself so I'm not left feeling like I'm "just mediocre", when I might not have been.
So I guess in my long-winded and rambly way, I'm saying that if the issue is his expressiveness, then it might be a case of where he is just "being a guy" and not able to express himself the way a woman might. You can't make your man into a woman... give him the benefit of the doubt if his wording isn't quite right.
If it's an issue of actual pleasing each other in bed, then that is something you guys should be able to talk about (outside of the bedroom) and be open to discussing what you want, what you like, what you prefer, etc- and keep it fun and light- but serious enough to get what your needs are met. Keep communication open! Sex talk shouldn't be too serious, IMO- otherwise it'll start putting too much pressure on the couple to "perform" the next time. I think it should be taken seriously, but also in fun, too- so having sex can be a time to connect and release stress and have fun, not to prove something.
~shrimpy, who might be totally off on the wrong tangent altogether...
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I agree with you completely, Shrimps! In fact, even though I'm expressive, I can definitely see myself saying, "Well, that didn't suck"- and having it mean it was WONDERFUL. The guy would definitely know, though, since I'd use body language, tone of voice, etc to show him.
Another thing is that I'm a joke-y kind of person. Certainly I know I should be serious at funerals and the like, but if I were in bed with someone he'd know my personality well enough to know I meant nothing bad by that.
I do not EVER ask how the sex was. Or the dinner, for that matter, but that's a whole other story. I think you are right on about being asked to be lied to. Plus, I don't want to have to pull a compliment out of someone. If he feels so inclined he'll tell me. If he doesn't, I'll assume it was wonderful or that it sucked, whichever is the case for ME.
I'm certainly not a selfish lover, but I'm also not overly preoccupied with anyone else's opinions. Anything they care to volunteer is fine, but I don't let it concern me enough to ask. But then, I rarely ask a man for his opinion about anything (for example, my clothes, dinner-which wouldn't really matter since I don't cook, hairstyle, sexual prowess, etc...). If he wants to tell me, fine, but I'm not much of an asker.
Moody, who lets sleeping dogs lie
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Thanks to all for your input. Guess I asked him what he thought because the last time we had slept together he asked. I'm just taking things too seriously and maybe I'm still just too new to dating. I think some of it is that lately (although there's no way I would ever go back to him) I've been missing my exh a little, just the way things were when our marriage was still good. Or at least before I found out he was leading a double life.
Thanks again~ Sarah
I totally agree. 1st of all, they have only slept together 3x.