in need of advice
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| Sat, 01-20-2007 - 6:07pm |
Hi there. I have already started a discussion on another board, and although I got some great advice, I would love to hear from other moms who have maybe been through a similar situation.
My daughter's father is a wonderful man. We are not married, but we are living together. We were actually broken up when she was conceived, my idea. He is probably my best friend; he is such a nice, caring and attentive guy, but I just don't feel it for him otherwise. I don't find him attractive. I used to a little bit (we dated for 3 years before I became pregnant) but when that little bit started to fade, I wanted to hold on to see if I could somehow make it happen. I didn't want to lose an otherwise amazing guy. So I became pregnant, we decided to move in together to see if we could make it work. He wants it to more than anything, I although I would like it to, I don't know if it should.
He deserves someone who will love him the way he loves me, doesn't he? Yet, doesn't my daughter deserve both of her parents at home together? Especially when her father is just as involved in her life as I am? I guess what I am asking is, is it better for my daughter if her father and I go our separate ways romantically - we will always be friends and raise her together, just in separate houses. Or, is better for my daughter for me to try and make it work no matter what I am feeling about him? I do love him, I'm just not "in love" with him.
This situation is making me physically sick. I am lost in ambivalence, and I know I can't always stay this way. My boyfriend is aware of my feelings, and we have decided to give it until the summer. I was just hoping maybe someone with a child or children with a similar story could give me some advice. thank you.

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I have not been in your situation, exactly. But in my last relationship I felt much the same way you do as far as the ambivalence goes. He was a guy who treated my children extremely well, was active in their lives, and was just an all-around good guy for most of our relationship. But I didn't love him.
Eventually, he got tired of carrying all the emotions, and became angry and spiteful. I'm not saying this is what will happen in your relationship at all, just that it's what happened in mine. I also got to the point where I knew we weren't good for each other, mostly because I felt like I was using him, didn't love him, and was missing out on someone I could love.
Our relationship had a lot of other issues, but these were the main ones. We could have worked past some of the other things, but I wasn't invested in the relationship enough to make it work- mostly because I knew I couldn't ever love him.
If you know you don't love your boyfriend, you owe it to yourself and to him to break up so that both of you can find the relationships you deserve. It has nothing to do with parenting- you can both still be effective and good parents if you aren't together. If you love him and can see yourself with him forever, or for the indefinite future, but aren't in love with him, that's something counseling might help with, but I don't know if you'll ever be IN LOVE with him. In the words of Bonnie Raitt, you can't make yourself feel something that you don't.
Moody, waiting for the one
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I think the question you need to ask yourself is, would you want your daughter to have this relationship? If you want your daughter to find a great person that she isn't madly in love with then stay. What you have to know is that if you choose to stay, that's what you're teaching your daughter.
It sounds like you both have your daughter's interest in mind and you will both always be her parents and if you think that your daughter won't pick up on your ambilvalence about her father over time I think you're kidding yourself. It could be far more damaging for her to feel like you sacrificed yourself for her rather than being true to yourself.
I think if you want to make it work and you feel content and at peace with not being madly in love then that's okay too, but you have to really be at peace with that decision and you have to think about what you're modeling for you daughter when you make that choice.
Good luck. It sounds hard. I think that you usually know what the right answer is because it's almost always the hardest choice. You'll figure it out and you're in a great place to get lots of good advice. The women here are pretty amazing.
I think you are very wise and are able to articulate your feelings very well.
There is no magic answer - but time will tell you. I don't think you should stay in a relationship where you have no attraction or love. But in your case if you have a tiny thread of a possibility and a child at stake then it is worth it to give it a try. You might even try counseling together so you really do give it your best shot.
Perhaps part of the problem is that having to go through a pregnancy is tough for any woman, never mind one that is a single mom. And having a baby is a lot of work. It is no wonder you are confused. I wonder what would happen if the two of you could spend some time alone doing something you both equally like?
If you reach your deadline and feel repulsed by him you will know you did your best. You do want to give your daughter an example of a good relationship. And you do want to keep her dad as your friend.
I wish you all the best. Keep us posted, okay?
>>>>He deserves someone who will love him the way he loves me, doesn't he?
Yes, he deserves to be with someone who loves him. If you are repulsed by him, another woman will find him attractive. If he's a good man, he won't be single for long after you move out.
>>>>Yet, doesn't my daughter deserve both of her parents at home together?
No, two parents who do not love each other, is not a home.
Are you currently working or is he supporting you financially? I hope the answer is that you're working. If not, you could probably guess what I might say about that.
Thank you. Well, I wouldn't say we have such a "good" relationship right now, as are sex life is basically non-existent, but there is love and respect there, which is why I took such offense to fivesense's response. She seemed to imply that I was using my boyfriend, or taking him for granted, which couldn't be further from the truth. He is 100%, fully aware of all of my feelings, and together we are just trying to figure out what is going to be best for our daughter; to do the right thing. I just came to these boards for a different point of view. Whatever our decision is, we will reach it together.
Our situation is so complicated, and I don't think I could fully explain it all here. I just want to say that my boyfriend didn't go into this blindly. He knew the way I felt, but we both thought that at least giving it a try for a while was the best thing we could do for our daughter. And it was. As far as our relationship as parents goes, it has been great. It's just romantically, it has not changed. And that is what we are struggling with. I find it hard to believe that I should walk away from this relationship just because that feeling is "just not there." But then again, it never really was. He has always been more like a friend, and I love him deeply as such. And I have never and would never, ever go behind his back and be unfaithful. As long as we are living together, my loyalty is to him.
Believe it or not, when there is love and respect involved, it can make a situation like this even more difficult. The answer to just walk away from each other isn't that simple.
It sounds to me like you think it might not go anywhere but you want to be sure.
If I was you, I would try 2 things: 1) counseling and 2) a nice vacation or getaway to see if you can connect.
Because I think if you feel like you did try everything you will have better peace letting it go. And if there is a way to find something that could bring you together that would also be great, too.
Keep us posted! I think everyone here has added good comments, as always. I know you found fivesense's comment a little unnerving - but usually she is always all for not putting up with anything bad and perhaps she was concerned with you being okay - will let her speak for that. Sometimes the written word gets confusing when we don't have facial expressions.
At any rate, it would be great to see you participate in others posts and stick around. We have a great group of ladies here who are always supportive.
No, I wasn't judging. The other thing to think about, since you're living together and both working then you might have a custody battle. The longer you live together and share parental duties (50/50), then the more you will have to prove you are the primary caretaker if you want to keep custody of your daughter.
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