in need of advice
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| Sat, 01-20-2007 - 6:07pm |
Hi there. I have already started a discussion on another board, and although I got some great advice, I would love to hear from other moms who have maybe been through a similar situation.
My daughter's father is a wonderful man. We are not married, but we are living together. We were actually broken up when she was conceived, my idea. He is probably my best friend; he is such a nice, caring and attentive guy, but I just don't feel it for him otherwise. I don't find him attractive. I used to a little bit (we dated for 3 years before I became pregnant) but when that little bit started to fade, I wanted to hold on to see if I could somehow make it happen. I didn't want to lose an otherwise amazing guy. So I became pregnant, we decided to move in together to see if we could make it work. He wants it to more than anything, I although I would like it to, I don't know if it should.
He deserves someone who will love him the way he loves me, doesn't he? Yet, doesn't my daughter deserve both of her parents at home together? Especially when her father is just as involved in her life as I am? I guess what I am asking is, is it better for my daughter if her father and I go our separate ways romantically - we will always be friends and raise her together, just in separate houses. Or, is better for my daughter for me to try and make it work no matter what I am feeling about him? I do love him, I'm just not "in love" with him.
This situation is making me physically sick. I am lost in ambivalence, and I know I can't always stay this way. My boyfriend is aware of my feelings, and we have decided to give it until the summer. I was just hoping maybe someone with a child or children with a similar story could give me some advice. thank you.

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I had a 2.5 year custody battle. I know most people don't go through them. I give out legal system advice as a worst case scenario. If you needed primary custody with him having visitation, then you would want to establish yourself as the primary caretaker.
If you want a joint custody situation with 50/50 time, then it doesn't matter if you stay living together as long as you're both sharing equally in the caretaking duties. If he gets 50/50 time, he might not have to pay child support.
The only thing I can caution you on is that things feel rosy when you are not going through the divorce or custody/child support negotiation. But then they can turn ugly or greedy when it comes down to signing the bottom line.
My ex was nice until he realized he had to pay. Things can change a bit when you know the relationship is over and you have to negotiate where to go from here. Sometimes a man becomes bitter because he doesn't want the relationship to end and he can do crazy things to strike out in his anger. Just something to be aware of. It is best to assume the worst and know your rights and put your ducks in a huddle first.
Your problems are not small. They are big, with big repercussions on one end. And of course we understand them.
I just wanted to thank all of you for your advice. Unfortunately at this stage in the game, none of it will make my decision any easier, but it's comforting to hear from women who have been through similar situations.
As I re-read my post, I do not like the way I came across. I am really not someone who has just gotten "bored" with a great guy, or someone who wants more as far as romance and sex are concerned. It is not like that at all! The feelings I have towards my boyfriend go back much further. Even though he is such a great guy in general, I think I began to resent him because I was putting most of the effort into our relationship. Yes, he is sweet and caring, and was and always will be there for me when it matters, but he is also very unmotivated in many ways and stubborn. Before I became pregnant, I was always buying him little gifts just because, cooking for him, and putting a real effort into my appearance for him. He never did any of these things, and even though physical appearance is definitely not everything, I think when someone doesn't even try to put an effort into it, it can make the other person feel unworthy.
He also, this is so embarrassing to write, but he had some really bad habits. I know all men do, but his nosepicking was beyond a habit. We would have sex, and he would sit there for 10 minutes after and then tell me he always had to pick his nose after sex for some reason! I can't believe I just wrote that but after that happening all the time after sex, it kind of loses it's appeal! I write this in the past tense because after confronting him with all this when I wanted to break up, he really did start to control his problem considerably.
But I feel like once that feeling was lost towards him, I'm never going to get it back. I haven't felt any desire for him since before our daughter was conceived. It's such a difficult thing, and I really only want to do what's best for our baby. It's not about sex or finding someone more fun or anything like that. I know I might not ever find it, but I'm not sure I can stay with someone who has become my roommate. I want to look past all this insignificant stuff and focus on the fact that I am lucky to have someone who loves me in my life and is such a great father, but at what price does that come?
Anyway, I just needed to vent again. And I do appreciate all of your opinions. I will stick around here and try to add my .02 when possible, but I'm probably not going to be of much help right now!
It sounds like you are not getting nearly the return as you are putting in with the investment. It is so sad, for sure, but there is nothing you can do when someone is emotionally stingy. My exh was like that. As for the bad habits, I think you can mention it, but if the person doesn't want to listen and please you, then that is a huge turnoff.
I wish you well with whatever you decide. You are always welcome here. And you are always a useful addition - no matter how you feel at the moment.
Hugs and good luck, okay?
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