need advice about DD

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
need advice about DD
7
Thu, 08-07-2008 - 8:44am

After an interesting discussion last night with my "friend", I was wondering what y'all think of this. I have been seeing "friend" since June, and it looks like it will keep going for a while (to listen to him). We are getting to the point when we are looking at meeting each others kids (the logistics of keeping them out of it is getting old). Not anything formal, but "hi, how ya doin', we'll be back in a couple of hours" kind of thing.

He is pretty confident his kid will be no problem, and I feel the same way about my DS. The issue is my girl (13). She gets really angry when I go out, won't discuss this person, doesn't want to know anything. All my son wants to know is if this person is nice to me and seems rather open to meeting him (he has a job my son would love to have, so there is a little self interest going on, too)

"Friend" seems to think that my daughter is trying to protect me somehow. I thought her anger was at me moving on and taking my attention away from her. He thinks that since my marriage was so bad at the end that she is trying to make sure that it never happens again for me, and by being angry about it, I will stay home with her instead of going out. I never thought about it that way, and hope to God that isn't the case.

I also thought that since her dad pulled such a bonehead move and moved in with a woman before the kids even knew she existed has her afraid that I would do something similar, even though I have told her that what her dad did was NOT normal. After all, I am still getting to know this person, why on earth would I make a commitment?

And with the way I keep trying to push him away, how could that even happen?

Anyone ever had a similar situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-07-2008 - 9:48am
Hmmmmmm, my children have only met two guys I have dated and they were both guys I had dated over four months.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 08-07-2008 - 10:32am

Sounds like she's just not ready and you shouldn't force the issue.

You've only been dating for 2 months, what's a little longer? This guy says he's serious about you, then let him prove it by showing patience.

If you feel that she's wanting more time with you, then start having girl's night every couple of weeks where you just do something fun together. If she doesn't want to talk about him, then respect that.

Also, encourage her to be more socially active and involve her in more things outside the home so she won't be dependent on you for entertainment.

The boy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 08-07-2008 - 11:49am
It's not that I am in a rush for them to meet, it is more her anger at me for going out in the first place. I don't care if they meet for a while longer and that isn't really what I am looking for. I am more concerned with her anger towards me and making sure that she doesn't feel the need to protect me from "bad" men. I don't know if she feels like I am being taken away or if I am "dissing" her to be with another person, neither of which I want her to feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 08-07-2008 - 12:05pm

Before this guy came along, did you not go out with friends?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 08-07-2008 - 2:01pm

I go out occasionally with friends, but I only moved back to my hometown with the kids a year ago, so outside of family and old family friends, I don't go out much. And when I do, she is usually included. She had a hard time making friends at school this year (started with a bad attitude and scared off a lot of potential friends according to her teachers), so yeah, I have been her best friend this year. I had hoped to go out "secretly" by using the time she had been spending babysitting, but the jobs dried up for the summer, so that didn't work, either.

Yeah, she is wielding far too much power over me, but I think I let it happen because I felt so sorry for her regarding the divorce, move, and new school situation. Now I have to undo the damage without making her feeling like I am blowing her off to be with someone else. I think it is hard enough to be a 13 year old girl anyway, much less have to deal with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 08-07-2008 - 3:31pm

Do not feel sorry for your children, what's done was done with their best interests at heart and you need not overcompensate for having removed them from an unhealthy situation.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 08-07-2008 - 5:37pm

I have a personal rule - who knows, maybe at some point if the situation arose, I would break it, but for ME & MY child? She meets NO ONE unless I think its very long term.

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