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| Sat, 10-21-2006 - 6:19pm |
I would really like some impartial advice on this new development. My ex re-married (very) shortly after we divorced. They just found out last week that she has breast cancer, needs chemo now and a mastectomy in the spring. I currently carry health insurance for our kids through my work, which is clearly outlined in our divorce decree. He has told me that his wife is changing her insurance to help save money, therefore he is adding her daughter to his insurance. He said he would add our kids as well b/c it costs the same to add one kid or 3 kids. He asked me to take them off my insurance plan, then asked if he could change his child support payments to be less whatever amount I am "saving" by dropping the insurance. Basically, I'm spending $120 a month on health insurance for my kids, he wants me to drop it and he'd pay me $120 less a month in child support so he could save money for cancer treatments. All my friends and family members hate him anyway, so they all say "f" him and tell him "no way, your cancer treatments are not my problem". I should also mention in the 10 years we were married, he had 8 jobs. He addressed this concern by saying "Well if something were to happen, that is a life changing event, you can add the kids back on to your insurance without waiting for open enrollment". The issue really isn't the money b/c I am getting hardly any money from him. I'm concerned that if I tell him it's OK, pay what you can when you can I'll never see another dime from him. I realize there is probably some middle ground here that I can't see right now.
So, should I do (what I think is) the morally right thing and tell him pay what you can when you can? Or should I be the "a" hole and say her cancer is not my problem, pay me what you owe me. I just don't understand why he constantly thinks child support is optional, and I am ridiculous for reminding him that it is not.
So ladies...advice?
So, should I do (what I think is) the morally right thing and tell him pay what you can when you can? Or should I be the "a" hole and say her cancer is not my problem, pay me what you owe me. I just don't understand why he constantly thinks child support is optional, and I am ridiculous for reminding him that it is not.
So ladies...advice?

My concern wouldn't be the actual child support, but the fact that he seems to change jobs so frequently. I'd rather know my children had health insurance, by providing it myself.
It may not be the nice thing to do, but my children have to come before someone else's wife, even if she is ill. What if his insurance lapses, and one fo your kids gets sick? I'm not sure how your insurance works, but someone else quitting a job isn't a life changing event for mine. It has to be marriage, death, birth, etc. or occur during open enrollment for me to add/drop a dependent. I can't just do it on a whim.
You're right that child support is not optional. Cancer treatments are probably at least partially covered by insurance, and he can work out a payment plan for the balance, if that's what he needs to do.
Of course, I'm not as nice as some people. I look forward to reading everyone else's take on this.
Moody
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It doesn't make you an a-hole to refuse. It makes you a responsible parent.
Stephanie
I realized I am nervous about telling him I won't change anything, and he needs to continue with his child support as it is because I anticipate the big arguement that will be the result. He'll tell me horrible things (like I am selfish, or maybe I am a terrible person for not thinking of someone else in their time of need...), and for some reason I am still not in a place to let his comments roll off my back. If it were anyone else in my world saying mean things, I don't think twice about it and it doesn't really upset me too much. His comments still do so I try to avoid putting myself in the line of fire.
Oh well. I guess I still have quite a bit of work to do on myself. Thank you, ladies, for your advice. It helps keep me on track!
-Sheesh-
I would suggest sending him an email if possible. It will give you the chance to not have to worry about his immediate reaction. If he calls, let it go to voice mail. If he does manage to catch you on the phone and starts getting ugly, don't say one word. Just calmly hang up and try to go about your business.
Stick to your guns and don't think twice that you made the wrong decision.
Stephanie
I would NOT let him switch.
"I appreciate your situation with your wife and her cancer situation. But it works better for me and the kids to leave it the way it is."
End of discussion. He can't MAKE you do it and I doubt if he wants to take you to court to do it. You have leverage. Don't allow him to do something that is going to benefit him financially for right now only to leave you out on a limb later on. It is easier for you to leave it the way it is. It is also safer in my opinion. I mean, you are the one who has to deal with all of the kids stuff on a day to day basis and if you take them to the doctor's office why should you be the one to have to deal with insurance through someone else?
And besides, this is not fair - he is getting to save $120 without even offering YOU any of that savings.
I know what you mean about your ex. My son's father drives me batty sometimes, and we have a fairly amicable relationship, all things considered. Yet he is the one person who could make me question myself long after everyone else didn't get to me anymore. I got over it, and you will, too.
Maybe don't tell him face-to-face? How about an email, where you simply say, "I'm terribly sorry your wife has cancer, but I have to put my children first, and this works better for us." No room for argument, and if he tries, simply ignore it. Don't answer his calls, let it go to voicemail. If it's regarding the kids, get back to him, but other than for that reason, you don't have to talk to him. His personal life isn't your concern.
You'll get to the point where whatever he says doesn't bother you anymore. No one can make you feel inferior unless you let them. You stop letting him, and he'll stop trying. It's not easy, and it does take time, but it'll happen. Hopefully he'll get to the point where making his new wife happy will be more important than making his ex-wife miserable.
Good luck, and let us know!
Moody
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As others have said, DO NOT drop your kids from your insurance. If your child support order is anything like mine, it probably states that you are responsible for providing health insurance (and your cost of that was figured in the child support formula). If you drop your kids from your health insurance, you would have to modify the child support order to reflect the fact that he is now responsible for providing health insurance. Who's going to pay the legal fees for that modification??????
Even if you did change the order, his support payment would not decrease by $120/month. Child support formulas do not work like that. He might have a slight reduction in his payment to you if he carried them on his policy...but not $120 per month of "savings".
His spotty work history would scare me. I'd rather keep my kids on my policy and make sure that they had health insurance coverage.
"Thanks for the offer, but I'm quite happy with my coverage."