need advice badly on x inlaws situation
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need advice badly on x inlaws situation
| Fri, 03-07-2008 - 11:16am |
I wasnt sure what to title this but I really need some support and advice.
My son came to me last night and was very upset/ashamed to tell me that his grandmother is STILL insisting on bathing him even though he is nine. I say STILL because we have been through this battle before and I thought we had come to an understanding a year or so ago that if he wanted to bath himself or shower ( hello?) she was not to bully him into letting her wash him. She keeps saying she wont but that he doesnt clean "right" I dont think this is malicious or sexual in nature in any way, I think she is naive and backwards. Still, it infuriates me that my son is saying "no ,I want to wash myself - that makes me uncomfortable" and she is bullying him into it.
My son loves going over there for the weekends and is afraid I am not going to allow it anymore if he tells me these things so he waited two weeks to tell me - I think he only broke down because of the shame involved. His father is supposed to have him from Friday night to Sunday and historically he just farms him out to the grandparents and does what he wants to do instead. He has periods where my son will stay one night with him ( friday usually) but then he inevitably bails and drops him off at the grandparents. His Mom is a religious fanatic - remember she told me I was basically killing my mom with chemo and that all she needed was to take her to the church to be saved and wouldnt shut up about it....She is also very country and extremely uneducated - a child of 14 who never completed school and turned to the church. Has made it very clear that she knows better than us about how to raise a child and ignores every rule I place down. No bedtimes, no regular mealtimes, no discpline over there. She honestly gives off the impression that she knows best and any amount of talking and negotiating for 7 years has fallen on deaf ears.
I have tried to let some of it slide ( never about the bathing though - through a fit about that and will again aparently) so that at least my DS gets to know the other side of his family and hopefully his father steps up to the plate but he constantly disappoints me. When I became aware to what extent there was no structure over there I offered to just keep him on weekends and his father can come visit him anytime. We did that for a few weeks and then he said he could handle him and well you can guess how long that lasted.
It is so hard for me because my kid loves his grandparents and their house and pool and the country over the weekends and I dont want to take that away from him but I cant trust ex to stay there with him and supervise and he always seems to be over there fighting the grandmothers weirdness on his own.
Now for the clincher. In tears he tells me that he knows I have instructed him to call me if things are ever difficult over there and Dad isnt around and he needs help and he said he asked her when she was bullying him about bathing if he could call me so I could explain it to her and she refused! Told him he couldnt call me and if he did or told me he wouldnt be able to come over there again because I would keep him from her. I am furious- like want to smack her furious. After everything we drill into their heads about how their body is their body and no means no and nobody can touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable tell an adult etc etc and now THIS? I left a livid message for my x saying he can no longer stay there on any terms and told him exactly how upset and ashamed our son was and told him to call me today to discuss the weekend. I wasnt angry in tone just very firm and obviously upset for him. Guess who hasnt called me yet?
So what do I do? I cant trust who he is staying with over the weekend anymore since obviously he is saying he will keep him and then dropping him off over there. I wouldnt put it past them to tell my son to lie to me so he can still go over there and HE WANTS to go over there in part I think because it is his routine and he does love them. He also gets piano lessons over there from his cousin who is great and lives down the street so he doesnt want to miss those. I can easily get him piano lesson here of course but I am just saying it has always been this way for him and I think it freaks him out to think I am going to strip it away. He was hysterical last night when he thought I wouldnt let him stay over there ever again. I just felt heartbroken for him....
And of course ALL OF THIS is the fault of my deadbeat ex. I just want to kill him.
Sorry to vent. Please give advice....
My son came to me last night and was very upset/ashamed to tell me that his grandmother is STILL insisting on bathing him even though he is nine. I say STILL because we have been through this battle before and I thought we had come to an understanding a year or so ago that if he wanted to bath himself or shower ( hello?) she was not to bully him into letting her wash him. She keeps saying she wont but that he doesnt clean "right" I dont think this is malicious or sexual in nature in any way, I think she is naive and backwards. Still, it infuriates me that my son is saying "no ,I want to wash myself - that makes me uncomfortable" and she is bullying him into it.
My son loves going over there for the weekends and is afraid I am not going to allow it anymore if he tells me these things so he waited two weeks to tell me - I think he only broke down because of the shame involved. His father is supposed to have him from Friday night to Sunday and historically he just farms him out to the grandparents and does what he wants to do instead. He has periods where my son will stay one night with him ( friday usually) but then he inevitably bails and drops him off at the grandparents. His Mom is a religious fanatic - remember she told me I was basically killing my mom with chemo and that all she needed was to take her to the church to be saved and wouldnt shut up about it....She is also very country and extremely uneducated - a child of 14 who never completed school and turned to the church. Has made it very clear that she knows better than us about how to raise a child and ignores every rule I place down. No bedtimes, no regular mealtimes, no discpline over there. She honestly gives off the impression that she knows best and any amount of talking and negotiating for 7 years has fallen on deaf ears.
I have tried to let some of it slide ( never about the bathing though - through a fit about that and will again aparently) so that at least my DS gets to know the other side of his family and hopefully his father steps up to the plate but he constantly disappoints me. When I became aware to what extent there was no structure over there I offered to just keep him on weekends and his father can come visit him anytime. We did that for a few weeks and then he said he could handle him and well you can guess how long that lasted.
It is so hard for me because my kid loves his grandparents and their house and pool and the country over the weekends and I dont want to take that away from him but I cant trust ex to stay there with him and supervise and he always seems to be over there fighting the grandmothers weirdness on his own.
Now for the clincher. In tears he tells me that he knows I have instructed him to call me if things are ever difficult over there and Dad isnt around and he needs help and he said he asked her when she was bullying him about bathing if he could call me so I could explain it to her and she refused! Told him he couldnt call me and if he did or told me he wouldnt be able to come over there again because I would keep him from her. I am furious- like want to smack her furious. After everything we drill into their heads about how their body is their body and no means no and nobody can touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable tell an adult etc etc and now THIS? I left a livid message for my x saying he can no longer stay there on any terms and told him exactly how upset and ashamed our son was and told him to call me today to discuss the weekend. I wasnt angry in tone just very firm and obviously upset for him. Guess who hasnt called me yet?
So what do I do? I cant trust who he is staying with over the weekend anymore since obviously he is saying he will keep him and then dropping him off over there. I wouldnt put it past them to tell my son to lie to me so he can still go over there and HE WANTS to go over there in part I think because it is his routine and he does love them. He also gets piano lessons over there from his cousin who is great and lives down the street so he doesnt want to miss those. I can easily get him piano lesson here of course but I am just saying it has always been this way for him and I think it freaks him out to think I am going to strip it away. He was hysterical last night when he thought I wouldnt let him stay over there ever again. I just felt heartbroken for him....
And of course ALL OF THIS is the fault of my deadbeat ex. I just want to kill him.
Sorry to vent. Please give advice....



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Sonnee-
ITA....I could not agree MORE.
Children need to know that their parent can and will stand up for them against the monsters in the world. We are their rocks, we instill security and safelt and well being.
Thanks for posting your story with your own DS- very powerful.
Yes- you're in a spot...but you can manage this. I have confidence that you will.
Since this has happened before, and she promised, the she did it again, your safest option here is to put a stop to the visits. She has violated your stance on this issue, and you are the parent. Time to put your foot down. DS might not like the immediate ramifications (not going over there) but in the long run his esteem is on the line and his personal inner safety.
Be sure and praise him- for speaking up. He has nothing to be ashamed of..and you are simply doing what any caring mom would do- you will keep him safe whether he likes it or not!
It's so freaking important- to honor what our children say- EVEN when they feel sad or scared for saying it. I have an example, too. My DD was 9 and got a roll in a play at school. After school the drama teacher would coach the kids in the auditorium. DD came home, very embarrassed, and told me that Mr. ____ was rubbing her back while they all stood on stage together, and he made a little personal comment to her about her training bra strap. She was mortified and ashamed. She was afraid that if
I know this is hard, especially since you find yourself in the place with your son - he told you, but now he's going to feel 'punished' for telling you the truth.
This is a good point, moon!!
Citylife, I was wondering if you can turn this into a positive and do something fun and buy him treats in celebration of him staying with you!!
I'm a little late coming into this, but I agree with moon and the boundaries. This is totally unacceptable behavior and I am not even going to begin to tell you that you are a 100% responsible for his emotional and physical well being. Regardless of how much he enjoys being with her. That woman is showing you disrespect for you wishes which shows your son that anyone can walk over you.
Agreeing with everyone here and trying to come up with some kind of solution that will guarantee
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
What bothers me is two-fold:
1. She is not respecting his body and right to say no to the touching and
2. She is asking him to keep secrets
Now, as someone who was molested as a child, there is NEVER an appropriate time for an adult to touch a child's privates who has asked that person not to touch them.
I did talk to him right around school closing about an hour before his pick up and he HAd listened to my message. I would have written you an update sooner but I have been at rehearsal ever since for a concert tomorrow. His first reaction was "Well I guess my reaction is that I am going to have to sit down and talk to Luc of course to understand what happened"
I said " Yea, thats not good enough. You can talk to him until you are blue in the face - this is no longer a factor. He told me the truth and was hysterical shameful and in tears until 11 PM last night about it. He was barely comfortable telling me so if you want to put him through an interrogation for no reason thats on you. My decision regardless of what he tells you is that he can no longer go over there ever without total supervision by you or me. Not one moment alone where he has to fend for himself in impossible adult situations." That is almost verbatim.
He told me of course that he knew his mother didnt mean any harm by it and I said that wasnt where my head was - I am no longer in a position where I caere what is wrong with her or why. She has lost access to him period and if and when I decide he can see her alone again, I will let them know. She knew the mistakes she was making and he agreed with me on that. I think he was surprised that I didnt want to participate in a bashing of his mom and how crazy she is. I just dont care to spend my energy feeding that "lets pass time making fun of her but never stand up to her or help her change for everyone's good" Its just stupid. So get this...he cant help himself I guess but he says "well he ( DS) does tell me things that I wonder about sometimes and I wonder whether he knows how he comes across. Like his communication is fuzzy sometimes and leaves questions in my head" and I asked what he was talking about. He proceeds to tell me that DS told him that my bf threw a shoe at him in the morning. Now, ladies, this is a joke between all of us. We had to set up rules once bf moved in and the rule was he cant have the same access to my bedroom (duh) and he needs to knock. He kept forgetting and sometimes I think it was on purpose so we had a sit down with him and explained very clearly that sometimes we were having couple time in the bedroom and it just isnt ok for him to walk in without knocking and he actually loosened up and got it adn then started laughing and said " Well what will you do to me if I walk in anyway?" kind of cheeky as bf says. And bf said " well how about I throw a shoe at you" Since then, my son has actually busted in the room WITH a shoe and given it to him. This whole thing went down a few weeks ago. Anyhow, so he brough tthat up and I had to explain. He also said he has mentioned that bf rough houses a little too rough sometimes for DS's taste and does bf know that. He is so transparent. So I really just kept my cool and said that yes we had noticed that he is a lot more sensitive about people touching him - perhaps this is due to the awkward bath time routine/inappropriate touching and that we will take that into account now. I told him straight up that bf is wonderful with his/our son and he should never make any mistake about that - this is a happier kid for having him here and it is also a big adjustment. He said something like he just didnt know why DS was bringing these things up looking all uncomfortable then. So I right away said " well I dont have a degree in child psychology but I would think he is at times feeling guilty and confused about his relationhip and attachment with bf since he sees you less and you are his father. He is looking to you for validation on this. I literally said " You might want to take the time to sit down with him soon and let him know it is ok for him to love my bf and that it doesnt change anything between you two"
I was on fire, I'll tell ya and a lot of it was because of you guys. I just felt stronger having read your messages.
I mentioned the Child Social Services thing and how if DS ever mentioned the bathing routine she would be investigated and he was just silent. I told him when she wouldnt give him the phone that she might have well have slapped me in the face and asked him if he needed a cell phone or would she take that too after she lured him into the bath. Its the first time I have been angry with him in a long while. He needed to hear it and know that I was done with this nonsense. But of course he didnt just play dead during all of this.
He also took pot shots at me saying DS's socks are always dirty like he wears them more than once and he is never cutting his finger nails and they are dirty so that triggers his mom's crazy clean thing. And that he has noticed it and wondered. It really bothered me at the time but I let it just coast and now even a few hours later I feel better about it. I am a fantastic mom - I know it but it hurts to hear anyone poke holes in that fact even when they are totally full of crap ( why is that?). He has three pairs of clean socks in his room RIGHT NOW ( I checked in a fit earlier...lol) and yes he gets dirt under his nails. Yes, I should keep a clipper of his own. Good lord. He said something about how when I leave messages when I am frustrated with him I sound like I am making a big deal out of nothing and that he hopes I dont extend that to him and hurt his self esteem. I told him maybe he thinks that because I only call when there is a problem unless it pertains to a report card or something that needs his signature. I said if I had to call everytime something wonderful happened I would be calling every ten minutes and there is no time for that and sorry he is missing out - one of the downsides of divorce he knew about before he left. I assume there are wonderful moments when he has him too and I never hear about those. He might only hear my concerns or frustration but I do that maybe 3-4 times a YEAR and it is to get support and back up and usually ONLY when the arguments are about huge stuff like lying or a problem at school and I know he will be seeing him that day. Just looking for some continuity of parenting I guess. He seemed to get that but I couldnt help but think he was just taking shots at me because he couldnt come up with anything better and I felt pushed around a bit. He's such an A$$. And the thing is, he knows it. And yes, he does get to me but whats important is that I kept my cool and was able to keep calm and still put him in his place.
So the agreement as it is now is he cannot go over there unless it is just for a day visit - all overnights are either at his Dad's house or at mine. He is staying at his Dad's tonight and will be back tomorrow.
I really hope this helps DS know that I will be there for him. I got everything you said and I have always stood up for him and thought I had long ago over this issue but it just wasnt enough so I had to go farther.
Thanks everyone!!
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