Need advice on BF sleeping over

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Need advice on BF sleeping over
17
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 11:41pm
Please help with any advice you have. I am about as conservative as it can get with this subject. Here goes...My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 9 months now. He is the first BF that I have ever let spend the night at my house, because of the fact that his drive is about an hour and a half each way. (I was even engaged a few years back, and would not let him stay over). I don't want my daughter to believe this is okay. I am afraid that I am going to hear her say when she is 15 that it is okay for her BF to sleep over because at one time I did it.

However, whenever he does sleep over he sleeps on the couch in another room. But I guess I am getting tired of having to wake him up at 4 in the morning to push him out to the couch. Of course I want to discuss this with my daughter before hand. I just need advice on how to do it. I don't feel that I want to ask her if it bothers her, since I am a grown up and shouldn't have to ask her permission. Please, any suggestions on what to say and how to handle this situation would be very helpful. Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 1:08am

How old is she?


I'm with you..I have never let a boyfriend sleep over while my daughter was home....partly for the same reason you just brought up, and partly because I have been through a few men since I have been single.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 1:39am
Hi Kim - Thanks for your input. My daughter is 7 turning 8.

since her father and I split up, which was when she was a baby, she hasn't seen me with any men. My fiance and I split up when she was three. Even though I had a couple of long term relationships, we just never got our children involved. Again, thanks for your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 10:03am
I recently went through the exact same thing. My daughter is also 7, she'll be 8 in Feb. I have been dating my boyfriend for 15 months. When he first started staying over he would sleep on the sofa bed. My daughter knew this and accepted the fact that he didn't want to drive home late at night. It wasn't until we we started talking about a future together and marriage that we started sleeping in the same bed. I explained to my daughter about our future plans and told her the couch was too uncomforable for him to be sleeping on so many nights & and that it was silly for mommy to have a king sized bed all to herself. She has accepted this without any issues.

It was much easier than I anticipated. This was a decision I weighed very heavily and one that my bf and I discussed a lot before we actually started sharing a bed. I have been separted from my dd's father for 5 years and this is the first serious bf I've had (one that I could see a future with) and I decided that I would only be doing this once...with one person....so I took it as bringing the commitment to each other to a whole new level....basically if we're gonna do this then you are committing to me forever. We are talking about buying a house sometime next year and I didn't want things to change suddenly for my dd. This was a good way of easing her into all of us living under one roof.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 10:08am
I don't believe it is appropriate for your daughter to see him sleeping over. 2 reasons:

1) It sets a bad example for her for premarital sex. You have to give her a good foundation for morals in this day and age of casual sex and dating.

2) It makes it too easy for him and you won't get a long-term commitment. If this is a hassle then that is GOOD. It will push both of you to make a decision. This is the best example you can set for your daughter, too.

Now, we all know it is easier for him to sleep over because of the distance. But you must be creative to hide it from her. I used to have a BF that slept over and I would make him get up and sneak out of the door early. If he wanted to have breakfast with us he would go out my side door and come around and ring the doorbell. My son fell for it because he was 5 and he was delighted that the BF would come early to have breakfast with him.

Crazy - but it worked.

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 10:11am
It depends a lot on your comfort level, the age currently of your dd, where the relationship is going, etc. You'll hear from folks that say absolutely not and folks that say why not. So, I'll just give my own experience and reaction. First, it's interesting that you said you don't want to ask her if it bothers her because you're the adult and shouldn't have to ask permission but are afraid when she's in her teens she'll say she should be able to because you did. My answer to that would be exactly the same; I was an adult and paid the rent/mortgage etc. I don't have a problem at all with feeling okay telling my dd that she can't do something as a kid that I can do as an adult and I think that goes for teens too.

As far as what we did. For awhile, dh either didn't stay all night or made sure he was up before dd and either was gone or was already out in the living room or kitchen. But as we got more serious and wanted to spend weekends together (and as he started just coming to my place directly from a Friday night gig which meant he didn't get there until 3 and often I can tell you at that time of the morning there was nothing but cuddling and snoring going on LOL) it became incovenient. So, I did ask my dd who was 4 at the time, "what would you think if MG stayed the night?" Her response was that would be great! So I asked her "Well, where would he sleep?" She looked at me like I was just the densest mom ever and said "With you Mom! That the only place there's room" Like how could I not figure that out for myself LOL Do I anticipate questions when she gets older about why that was okay? I don't know. We've been a family for so long, and became one when she was so little, that I don't know that it'll even be an issue. But then I don't plan to teach her you only sleep with someone if you're married. I do plan to teach her that sex is a wonderful thing but comes with a lot of emotional and physical baggage and that you should really be choosy and really feel that strong emotional connection and trust. And that accepting that all too young can really cloud your thinking. I know that seems naive to believe she'd listen to that but I listened to that type of parenting so . . .

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 10:15am
I wanted to add agreement with you. Because we did what we did, our weekends kind of set the stage for our family life when we moved in together and later got married. It was already a "normal" family situation for her, we just lived in a new place.
Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 10:21am
I know this is a whole can of worms but I am curious. I don't believe in casual sex--I've had a total of 4 partners ever and have been married now (and am happily married now) twice so that doesn't exactly make me a slut. But it seems silly for me to insist that my dd not ever have premarital sex--I'm not talking about teen sex because that's not what you mentioned, you specifically mentioned premarital sex. when I wouldn't marry someone I'd never had sex with. So I was just curious about whether, having been out in the world, if you would now revert to a standard that you don't believe in premarital sex either. I totally respect that some people really don't believe that it's appropriate for children seeing unmarried people sleeping together, that's a moral stance that they take. I'm just wondering about the impetus behind it, especially when it's part of a committed relationship. But then I know it's easy for me to say since everything worked out well for us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:03am
Thanks for asking!

I believe that today's world requires stricter standards. Dating is much more difficult now for women of all ages because of:

1) herpes and HIV if you have casual sex

2) the casual attitude towards sex - there are "friends with benefits" "booty call situations" etc. and it is very easy for men to have sex without feelings.

If getting married to the right person and having a family is a goal, then casual sex should not be in the picture. It sets women up for a lot of risk, hurt and false expectations, in my opinion.

While I would not personally advocate waiting until after marriage, unless this is your moral belief (and I do know many young people with this standard today), I would not have sex with someone unless I knew it was headed in the direction of something that will work for both of us to be married.

I believe that sex too soon sets up a false sense of intimacy. It clouds judgement and can put you with a person who is not right for you.

I have made the mistake of sex too soon in past relationships. But the last one I did not and the future ones I will not. I have taken a great deal of time to educate myself with this matter - and on relationships in general.

As for you, I really liked your story - I think you did everything right for you with regards to your daughter. And I am happy for you that you are married again.

If I had a daughter I would tell her what I just wrote above. And I would make her read the boards here at ivillage - the dating board and relationship cure board are very enlightening. You read the same thing over and over - a girl meets a boy, they have sex right away and then she is devastated when he doesn't respect her or doesn't call or they are struggling because of obvious differences that would have been seen in the beginning if they were looking for them.

I would also try very hard to set a good example for my daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:04am

Hi iteach, everyone's comfort level and decision-making process on this subject will be very different, of course.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:45am
My thoughts are this:

What is ok for a grown adult woman is NOT ok for a teenager. Period. If she were 15 and said "so and so used to spend the night" I would have NO problem telling her "I am an adult - this is my house - that was my decision. You are 15, this is still my house, and it's STILL my decision!"

I shared a room with my son until we moved in with my then-boyfriend. So him spending the night was REALLY not an option! LOL The few times he DID spend the night - it was a "slumber party" atmosphere with all of us snuggling in the bed together (he was 3). We then moved in together - without being married. Which was exactly what we wanted to do and I have NO regrets.

My 17 (almost 18) year old step-daughter is sexually active - and has been for about 18 months now. I am thankful that her and I have an open line of communication and that she is able to talk to me, as she is not able to talk to her mom, at all, and she won't talk to her dad (he talks to her - all of the time - which just embarrasses her to no end - he constantly reminds her "I'd rather embarrass you NOW and educate you than have you come to me with a STD or an unplanned pregnancy."

It's a personal topic - and I would have no issue with my 7 year old daughter knowing that a man I was in love with was spending the night. But I do realize that's just me.

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