Need advice on BF sleeping over

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Need advice on BF sleeping over
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Thu, 08-26-2004 - 11:41pm
Please help with any advice you have. I am about as conservative as it can get with this subject. Here goes...My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 9 months now. He is the first BF that I have ever let spend the night at my house, because of the fact that his drive is about an hour and a half each way. (I was even engaged a few years back, and would not let him stay over). I don't want my daughter to believe this is okay. I am afraid that I am going to hear her say when she is 15 that it is okay for her BF to sleep over because at one time I did it.

However, whenever he does sleep over he sleeps on the couch in another room. But I guess I am getting tired of having to wake him up at 4 in the morning to push him out to the couch. Of course I want to discuss this with my daughter before hand. I just need advice on how to do it. I don't feel that I want to ask her if it bothers her, since I am a grown up and shouldn't have to ask her permission. Please, any suggestions on what to say and how to handle this situation would be very helpful. Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 12:03pm
Min,

Too funny about your guy embarrassing his daughter!

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 12:07pm
Well you ladies sure have great thoughts on this matter. I know I will be going through this decision now that ds is coming home.

There was one time when ds was younger that I did have a guy over, and he was going to go but of course we fell asleep. Ds came into the room in the morning and was just happy to cuddle with me. I didn't make an issue of it and neither did he.

Now that I have a new guy, I do want to take it slow. So I guess I'll just wait and see how comfortable everyone feels together.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 1:08pm
Maggie:

"You still just never know if things will work out in a permanent way with a guy. I knew early on as a single mom that I didn't want my life to appear to be a revolving door of intimate relationships, in my daughter's eyes. I didn't want her memories of growing up to be "mom and her series of men"...which could well happen, as none of us can predict how far our relationships will go, up to the point of marriage."

You are so right with this statement. You never know what will happen. I've only had two relationships since my exh left(except for the one I am in now), both of which, at one time, I thought would lead to marriage, but things didn't work out. I never wanted to have a "string of men" parading in and out either. I think that leaves a bad impression on your children. But for me, it's not just a matter of sex. I have to be careful of a man invading "our space". My son is EXTREMELY protective of me. He told me once that I didn't need to have any boyfriends, all I needed was him. LOL. He also told me that I don't need boyfriends because "boyfriends just hurt you mommy, daddy hurt you, Rick hurt you and John hurt you." Out of the mouth of babes. Kids are a lot smarter than we realize they are.

The question at hand is a tough one, to be sure. I'm not at that stage, and I'm not sure what I would do. I just know that everything a parent does affects her child in some way or another. I've made past mistakes, and in the future I will try not to repeat them. Just my two cents.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 7:06pm
Hey everyone, thanks so much for all the stories and advice. something to think over. Again, thanks for taking the time out to help.
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 7:26pm

Welcome to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 8:38pm
I agree completely with your views on this. It's hard to finally introduce sleepovers with a child in the house, however, you are the adult. I don't think that allowing your bf to sleep over is teaching your child it's okay for them to do it too when they become teens. I think if you explain to them that you are an adult that has a job, runs a house and has responsibilities, that is what makes it alright. You are mature enough to make the right choices and the child is not yet ready to make that decision. I also like how you said you don't plan to teach your child that you only sleep together if you're married. You are showing her the reality of how life is. People in general just don't wait, however, you are also teaching her that sex is a very emotional thing that must be taken seriously and not used in the wrong way. Great judgement!

I know that when my son becomes older, I will have a hard time with him becoming sexual, but as long as I talk frankly to him about it and teach him to be safe and to be picky about his partner, he will be fine. But under NO circumstances will there be sleepovers with his gf's at either home. He must be living on his own before he is allowed to do that. As for him living with a girl before marriage, well my thought is that as long as he is working and responsible, it's fine. But he needs to understand what goes into a successful relationship and not just move in with some girl because it's easier to have sex all the time.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 1:16pm
iteach, I think it's more imperative than ever for you to remember that you teach by example, not what you say...my own children are 7/9 and they know that dating doesn't entail sleepovers. My SO (of three years) spent the first night with us on the couch last Xmas and there was no slipping in and out of any rooms...DD is not a heavy sleeper and tends to sneak into my bed. Is it frustrating? Yes...but SO understands what we're doing and why...and he really does respect what I want to teach the kids...at this point, I've asked him once or twice to spend the night so that he could enjoy an extra glass of wine, but he's held me to _my_ standard.

Coincidentally, only last night DD asked about sex and we had 'the talk'...later when SO and I talked about it...he's always laughing at me, telling me that I'm in denial that DD will be a virgin in high school (especially me, who sees/hears much more than parents do in HS) and last night he was all about telling her to wait for marriage.

Any guy worth your time is going to support your parenting and your standards...dropping your standards for the guy...I would see things differently if you were making the commitment to live together as a family...but letting boyfriends sleep over...you know that's going to come back to haunt you in the teen years.

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