need advice on dating with kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
need advice on dating with kids
6
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 3:37pm
Hi Everyone, I am new to this site and new to dating with kids. I have been divorced for 2 years, and have custody of my 2 boys, 8 & 4. A few months back I started dating a man who I really enjoy spending time with. He knew before our first date that I had kids, which he had no problem with. So here is the part I am confused about. He has yet to meet my children. Honestly I don't know how to go about it. When I first started seeing him I mentioned I don't like the idea of my kids meeting the person I'm just starting to date. I would like to get to know the person first before my kids have to get to know him. It was easier to date in the summer, kids didn't have to be in bed so early, no homework to do, easier to get a sitter. Now that my kids are back in school i can't get out weeknights like I was. We would usually see each other once during the week and once on the weekend if we could work it out. Neither of us had brought up meeting the kids until I did 2 weeks ago. He called me and asked what I was up to that night, told him I was home with the kids, but would love if he would stop by. Think I caught him by surprise so I added that after I put the kids to bed, of course. He said that night wouldn't be good, he had to be up so early the next morning, which was understandable, he told me before I asked he had to get an early start the next day. But I had wanted to let him know he was welcome at my place when my kids were there. Told him it was going to be tough to keep seeing each other during the week unless he was willing to come to my place. His reply was "we will figure it out". I haven't brought it up again and neither has he. I don't want to scare him off, he is a great guy and the type of man I would like around my kids. I'm thinking it's just too soon and he's not sure if he wants to put himself in that position yet. Even though it is nice to take things slow and not rush into a relationship, I would like it to move forward. I'm stating to feel like a friend with benefits. I describe him to others as someone I am 'just dating'. How do I get to that next level? Do men scare when you bring it up? I don't want to lose him either, he hasn't done anything wrong and is still great to me. Would love everyone's thought on the matter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 7:35pm
I remember being in your shoes! Except we both had kids and we both were nervous about meeting each other’s kids. I think you were very smart about dating initially without bringing your boys into the mix. If you truly want to take the next step with this guy, I think you need a prescription for: More communication.

First of all get clarification that your relationship is exclusive and that you are moving on to more serious ground. This can be done by letting him know this is what you want.

He will either give you what you want or give you reasons why he can’t give you what you want. If he can’t give you what you want, then stop there. Move on. Unless you want to fuel your FWB feelings.

If he is willing to give you what you want (i.e. he wants it too), then let him know you are ready for him to meet your kids. Ask him if he’s ready? Ask him how he would like to handle it? Maybe he’ll come up with some brilliant ideas, which you can then tailor to fit with what you know your kids will handle well.

I highly recommend NOT having the first meeting be at your house. And also NOT having him come over while the children are home, if they haven’t officially met him yet. And introduce him as a friend until your kids are more comfortable with him.

Find a neutral territory (a pizza place, a mall, a park) a place where the focus is not 100% on him. That way, if the kids get nervous, they will have a way to escape the situation and then come back at their own pace.

For example: coffee and hot chocolate at a park is always a good idea in my book. The kids can play and come back for a sip of their hot chocolate. Each time they come back, he can ask them a “Get to know you” question and they can ask him questions. If they stray too long you can reel them back in by reminding them that their hot chocolate is getting cold.

Hope this helps! Sorry it’s so long. Good luck! And Welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 4:16pm
^bump^

just bumping back up to the top to get more responses for our new poster. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 5:11pm
Welcome to the board!

First, let me tell you that you can't scare off the right guy. If you want an exclusive relationship, broach the subject with him, and if he takes off for the hills, he is not the right guy. Period. Before I bothered introducing him to my boys, I would have that conversation with him first. My now husband and I had that conversation a month into it. He brought it up.

On the introducing kids. I agree with (I think it was Alison!) who said don't have him drop by the house until the kids have met him on neutral territory. I would also, even if you have cleared up the relationship question - introduce him as my boyfriend. Simply "my friend". I wouldn't hug him, kiss him, snuggle him, call him by any terms of endearment the first few times my kids were around him. It's wild enough that they have to get used to mom having a male friend - to smack them with that is just too much, too soon.

Has it been about three months?

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 5:50pm

Hi and welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:20pm
Thanks for everyone's replies. I have to say I love this site and look forward to being a part of it. So nice to know we are not alone in our situations, although it might feel that way sometimes.

I was going to give a little more background. I first starting dating this guy about six months ago. Our second date was six or seven weeks later. He called me a couple days after our date wanting to see me again right away, but we could never find a time that worked for both of us. He travels a lot for work, so sometimes he would call and say 'I will be around tonight, would you like to have dinner with me?'. It is very hard to find a sitter on short notice like that, as I'm sure a lot of you know. So after a couple times of trying to ask me out, me never able to, he stopped calling. Probably thought I wasn't interested, which I was, just was hard to get out. I hadn't talked to him for about a month, but thought about him a lot. So one day I'm sitting at work, sent him an email saying I knew it had been a while, but would like to see him again if it wasn't too late and included my cell phone#. 5 minutes after I send the email, my cell rings and it was him. Talk about putting a huge smile on my face. He said he couldn't wait to see me again. So we went on our 2nd date that week. Then a couple weeks later our 3rd, as so on. The last 2 months we talk at least 5 days a week, see each other when we can. Our schedules only allow 1, maybe 2 days a week at the most, if at all during a given week.

The guy I am seeing was in a 3 year relationship in the past with a woman who had a daughter, they lived together for a while too. Said not only did see become attached to him, but him to her. Even though it has been over for a few years, he still sends her birthday cards/gifts and the same at X-mas. Said he feels so bad that it didn't work out because it was hard on the little girl and he missed her terribly. So I can see why he wants to take things slow as far as getting to know my kids. And I don't want my kids to attach to someone who is just passing through. Their dad comes and goes and they don't see much of him, which is very hard on them.

He did say something the other day that made my feel good. I was playing in a softball tournament, my kids always come to my games with me. They ended up closing the concessions before we were done playing, and my kids were getting really hungry. I was telling him about this on the phone after the game, how I felt bad that I couldn't run to get them something because I was playing. He said I should have called him and he would have brought something out for them. So that gives me a little sign that things might come around.

So glad to be here

Stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 9:08pm
Welcome.

I think your story sounds good. He is interested and you are both aware of the dynamics of your situation.

Going slow and having good talks is always best.

Keep us posted and good luck - I just wanted to say hi!!