Need advice on how to be patient

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Need advice on how to be patient
6
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 10:51am

Hey All!

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can be more patient? I think I am THE most impatient person I know when it comes to waiting for things to happen (good things) or good things come to those who wait... I'm trying hard to develop some kind of distracting techniques... Right now, I'm getting tired of feeling edgy and being on pins and needles...

I've tried everything!

I have a bad habit of wanting something NOW... and doing all I can to get it... no matter the cost...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 7:41pm

I once read a book called Zen Miracles: Finding Peace in an Insane World by Brenda Shoshanna. Her message was that everything in life happens for a reason and it is up to you to see it that way - to find the silver lining.

I have not always been patient, either. Patience comes with time and maturity. But patience pays - much more so than rushing something and paying too high a price or having something not meant to be.

Perhaps if you journal you can deal with your ambitions better. Exercise is also a huge stress reliever.

How are things going with your mom? I am betting that is the source of your frustration now?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 11:56am

I have heard of that book... I will definitly check it out...

You know... I listen to Joel Osteen a lot... and for some reason, everytime I check out his website or tune into it on TV he's talking about something related to what I am experiencing... The latest one was "It's Just a Test". Stay full of joy even when the bottom is falling out... Don't fight against everything that doesn't go our way.... Instead of changing our circumstances, we need to change how we react to it... Do you have a problem or does the problem have you? (I'm famous for that one... I let the problem run away with my emotions)

You are so right about time and maturity, because ever since I had my son and turned "30", I feel like I've grown up by leaps and bounds... I know I didn't grow up overnight, that it took time... but for some reason I feel like I'm suddenly aware of the growing process...I see things differently now, and I tend to react differently to the same situations (for the most part)...

For example, I did let my son see his father on Father's Day for 2 hours. It went ok. I documented it all. His father did the usual attempted charming maneuvers and was feeling out the situation. I did not talk about anything personal. I let the conversation revolve around our son. I did not blame, act defensive, or ask him when he wants to see his son again. The old me would have been resentful, hostile, passive-aggressive, bitter, needy. Not this time. I was the more mature person, and I chose not to let anything negatively affect me. As I predicted, he has not called in over a week...

The funny thing is, in my current relationship with my DBF, I have not tried to push for things to "happen" like I always do... I haven't done everything he's wanted just to "win" him over and "please" him into wanting and loving me... and SURPRISE to me... I've received many more positive results by letting things evolve... Not doing things just to please someone, but because I wanted to do something... Not worried that if I expressed some displeasure about something that he'll want to leave me... Letting him take the lead... taking the lead... and then letting him take the lead... Despite my anxiety on always taking "control" of the situation... something inside told me to step back and relax. We've talked a lot about marriage, and how we both are ready and willing... With my first husband... I literally "forced" him to marry me... Now I know one cannot actually "force" someone into marrying someone, but I basically beat him down (mentally) until he caved in! AND WE KNOW HOW THAT TURNED OUT!! haha :-) Poorly.

I am trying to do something different this time around... I am trying to step back and let things happen... This is very hard for me because I've always had this belief that I have to "make" things happen or "nothing" will happen the way I want it to... I guess I just have to remind myself that my NOT doing that old pattern during this relationship has made it a GOOD thing... I would rather get married in a way that we both want it to... in the correct order and in a "happy" way... that he proposes because he WANTS to, not because I FORCED/TRICKED/MANIPULATED/WORE-HIM-OUT into it... SO, in the meantime, I am trying to distract and redirect my energy into something more productive and not be so stressed out all the time anticipating when/if the "event" will happen...

I also haven't had time to "exercise" and this has been a big change in my life, since I always found the time before to do it at least 3 times a week... So my goal this week is to try and bring that back...

Things with my mom have still been rough... She's trying to push all the buttons that she can, but I am not allowing her to take my peace... I am not going to allow her to make me give up my joy.... I've avoided her for the last 3 days, and that has worked miracles on my well-being and peace/frame of mind... I am going to continue this... not that I am avoiding confrontation, but I am restoring my strength so I can battle another day...

I got denied for an apt, but I've taken upon myself to research my credit and I'm working with my financial advisor to get me back on track and see ways to improve my credit (not just for the apt, but for my son and my future). So far my credit report looks better than I thought it would and I have some ideas on how to jump start on fixing the problems...

I'll keep you posted... and please feel free to comment on things I said... :-)

Pooldiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 1:30pm

Woohoooo!!! I absolutely love this post! That is JUST the way to think. The way to have control of your life is by having control over yourself- not letting others manipulate you. And to also control your reactions to others and what they do "to you". It's one of the keys to living peacefully that I know I didn't learn in my early adulthood (and wish I had). I've had to learn to separate myself from how my ex used to affect me (and how I used to react to him) and it's worked wonderfully for my sanity to not allow the negativity to flourish.

Compared to how your original post sounded, I really do think you have a good hand on your life. Being patient is never easy though. You know what kinds of things you want for your life, but many of the things that are worth having are the things that you can't force. They're the things that require time, energy and work to achieve- but they are SOOO worth the time, work and energy once you get them! So keep on going. You'll get there!

What you're doing in your romantic relationship is just what I am doing with Hiker. No more trying to "make someone love me" but to just simply love being who I am, where I am... and letting things happen as they may. I don't chase Hiker, but he chases me. But I do nudge him on occasion for fun and it's a good balance. I know I am not dragging him along into a relationship, nor is he doing it to me. Like I keep saying in my posts today... I wish I'd have discovered this 'key to life' earlier in my years, but better now than never. So many lessons learned the hard way, but at least they're learned now, right?

I think you're doing great, Pooldiva!

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 5:04pm

I love what you write here. I think you are well on your way to becoming a very wise and fulfilled person destined for success. You are learning that patience pays!!

I have had to learn these things too - to let life evolve. The only 2 places in my life that I can think of where I do want to PUSH and make things happen are at work/with money/debt and with excercise. And maybe for getting a kid up for school, too!! LOL!! The rest of my life - as to how it equates with other people and relationships is to let it evolve. I have learned that I absolutely CANNOT control the acts or wishes of another - only my reaction to them. And this is a huge thing.

Sometimes our patience gives us something even better than what we have hoped for.

I am glad to get your update here and hope that you show us more as you go. Sounds like you are getting your mother under control. Good work!!

I also love what Shrimps writes - this is a good thread for us.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 10:40am

Hey shrimpy!
Thank you for the support!! :-) I read through one of your posts too and saw what you were talking about being patient… It’s a real discipline, but it does beat being anxious all the time!

Like you said, the way to have control in your life is to “gain” control of yourself! Wow, if only I could have seen it before… but like we all said, things happen for a reason and I’m where I am now for a reason…

Yes, in my original post I was letting my emotions get the better of me… to a degree… Smile. I just needed to hear others give me the ole “Been there, done that… Got the t-shirt”…

As we have unanimously agreed, the things that are worth waiting for, can’t be forced… I am putting in the required time where it is needed, and trying to redirect my energy on things I can do that are positive… I was so used to having a negative attitude/energy (like my mother), and being around her again I think has caused me to go in that direction… I also know the difference now between "not seeing a bad situation" by throwing a "blind eye" to it AND trying to look for the positive things... Not having rose colored glasses on, being realistic but positive, and not taking things as personally...

Making an effort to stay positive and putting a positive spin on things takes just as much energy as I was putting in to stay negative, down and "worrying"… I found the difference to be that being positive has been more rewarding… To me and to others... I think I got more “attention” from being down and negative, and that’s what I kept seeking… attention from others…. But I’ve decided now, that I would much rather stay on the positive side and give myself the attention I crave, instead of being negative and getting attention from “others” that I crave… If that makes sense?

That’s exactly what I am doing in my romantic relationship! Like you said you are doing with Hiker… It’s a great feeling to not have that ache in my stomach where I felt like if I’m out of sight, I’m out of mind…

I liked what you said when you wrote, “I know I am not dragging him along into a relationship, nor is he doing it to me”… that’s exactly the way I wanted it to be! To have a healthy relationship where there is NO obsessive guilt trips, jealousy, disrespect, obsession, control, manipulations, neediness, distrust, etc…etc…

Well, let’s keep on moving forward… SMILE

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 10:47am


Thank you! I appreciate the vote of confidence! I have realized that patience pays!! More often than being impatient got me!

Someone told me that worrying was like being on a rocking horse, you are going back and forth… but getting nowhere… SMILE

How right you are about learning the hard way that you cannot control the acts or wished of another…. Been there, done that… got the tattoo!

I’m trying to stick with the theory of close to what you said here “sometimes our patience gives us something even better than what we have hoped for”… Which is, sometimes things don’t turn out the way you had planned… sometimes they turn out even BETTER!

I will keep you up on the progress… I have my mom under control for now… And I’m developing a coping process until I can move out… (avoid her for at least 2 days at a time)…. This took her control down, and she actually missed and wanting to see her grandson, and he actually missed and wanted to be with her! :-)

I agree… this has been a good thread for us!

All the best,
PoolDiva