Need Advice, Ladies only please.
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| Wed, 10-17-2007 - 2:57pm |
Current girlfriend has two children, one 11 and the other 16. We've been dating for about 10 months now, and I was introduced to the kids back in the end of June. I/we have been very sensitive to the children's feelings and needs, and I try not to be together with my lovely SO too much when the kids are around. She has shared custody, so the kids are with their dad half the week, her the other. I'm never with her when the kids are there with the exception of a couple of Saturday nights recently, where I took the whole bunch to dinner one of them and cooked dinner for them the other. ( I'm not counting the trip to the boardwalk they begged for and the trip to the concert where I got them backstage passes which they don't stop talking about, especially the 11 year old.) I don't stay overnight at all nor do I stay past 9:30 when the kids are there.

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Hey, Zen.
To me, it sounds like the 16 year old knows you've "got his number" and is afraid to death that you could really bust him for being in an altered state.
I think I agree that he is probably playing his mom.
I agree with the things Moon is touching upon here. I also suspect that the 16-yr old knows that you can tell just by looking at him, that he is getting high and maybe his own parents don't notice. And he knows that you could bust him.
But messing with drugs is just plain dangerous and it's no longer an issue of just who likes who and how they are treated- but now it's a dangerous thing and a health/safety issue. IMO- keeping it quiet is not the right thing to do. Although I know that's not good to rat someone out... you also know that drugs are illegal, and dangerous... and that is reason enough to "rat someone out". It's not like you're tattling to his mom because you know he is sneaking candy from the cabinet and spoiling his dinner. This is a serious thing!!
If someone knew (or suspected strongly) that one of my kids were getting into drugs, I would want to know about it. And I would feel betrayed if someone close to me knew- but chose to hide it from me. Like I said... this isn't a minor thing like so-and-so snuck out and bought some expensive athletic shoes even when told he couldn't have them. This is a health and safety issue that shouldn't be looked over or ignored.
I would mention something to your GF soon. Before something comes up with her son that is more trouble than just "I don't like your boyfriend, mom".
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
April
Hello Zen.
I agree with Shrimps and the others that your observation needs to be told to the mom.
I think you sound very wonderful for all you have done so far. I don't think you have spent too much time with her in front of the kids.
It sounds like she has to sort out some things with her son. Teenagers are not always easy and it sounds like this one has gotten into a bad pack of friends and may need some redirection or a counselor to talk through his problems.
I think time will help all. The problem is not going to be solved overnight. You and the mom will have to discuss how to handle your dating in front of the kids - because that is more her call. I think she will have to have her space to deal with him - but you are NOT going away and the kid has to respect that.
Good luck and keep us posted. You sound very kind indeed. And although you maybe should have told the mom about what he was doing you were trying to put his immediate interest forward - but I think that has backfired and will spin out of control if you don't say something. I think though, that she should pick him up and make the observation herself so you don't sound like the bad guy.
Hi Zen,
I agree with the others.
When I first posted my question regarding how long the parents have been divorced, I was thinking along the lines of what Sun wrote:
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I totally agree with this and think it is something that needs some exploring also. Not only trying to get mom's attention but probably dad's also, even though he is not in the household.
My daughter of 13 yrs (14 next week) told me back in the summer that she liked the guy I was seeing and things went on as is for a week or so, then all of a sudden she had this HUGE almost breakdown about it. Afterward she said she liked him and thought she was alright with it, but then found out she wasn't alright with it. She had a time dealing with it.
Kids may SAY they're alright with it and then come to find out they're not.
That's so true, about kids being OK one minute then upset with the situation the next. I guess it's jus their way of dealing with life. They want to please you, it's what every child really wants. But at the same time they get conflicted about their own needs...security, attention, fears.
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