Need Advice, Ladies only please.
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| Wed, 10-17-2007 - 2:57pm |
Current girlfriend has two children, one 11 and the other 16. We've been dating for about 10 months now, and I was introduced to the kids back in the end of June. I/we have been very sensitive to the children's feelings and needs, and I try not to be together with my lovely SO too much when the kids are around. She has shared custody, so the kids are with their dad half the week, her the other. I'm never with her when the kids are there with the exception of a couple of Saturday nights recently, where I took the whole bunch to dinner one of them and cooked dinner for them the other. ( I'm not counting the trip to the boardwalk they begged for and the trip to the concert where I got them backstage passes which they don't stop talking about, especially the 11 year old.) I don't stay overnight at all nor do I stay past 9:30 when the kids are there.

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Hey all. I took all your advice to heart.
On Saturday my SO and I took a day trip to do some shopping. She looked a little off so while we were driving I asked her what was wrong. She again said it was the kids and what they had told her. So I gave my SO reassurance that I would give her any space she needed and that I would do whatever she asked in order to work through the kid issues.
She thanked me and then began talking to me about her being overwhelmed and feeling pressured by her ex-hubby with some alimony issues and and now the kids telling her that they don't really like her dating and she said that that pressure and her own feelings made her feel like she might be moving our relationship on too fast. (Geez, its been 10 months and you guys know how much time, especially in front of the kids we spend.) So I gave her the ultimate out, and told her that if she felt we were moving too fast, if she was getting unsure, I would take a step back. I even told her that if she felt she needed to see other people, if she wanted to take things back that far, that I would still be there if she wanted to date, but I would understand and give her that as well. She thanked me.
She said that she was happy that I said that, and that she didn't want to date anyone else, that she was very happy with me, but she might need the space from time to time to just veg or be by herself. Reassuring I thought.
We had a great shopping time, and spent Saturday night together. Sunday morning we had breakfast with my nephew who was in from Phoenix, and then she left to go get and be with her kids. Sunday nite my nephew, brother, sister and a few of my friends went out to a local bar to spend some time together and kick it up before my cool 28 year old nephew had to go back to AZ on Monday afternoon. If you remember the SO asked me to not be with her when the kids are around, so she said that she would miss me but that she would be with the kids. I said I would miss her, and went out with the crew. Lo and behold, SO shows up at 7:30 pm and says that she is glad she can be with me and that her 11 and 16 year old were home and they were okay with her meeting us for a little while. She was super attentive to me, and most of the people with me were commenting how all over me she was, and how much they thought she was really into me. She left us around 10:00pm like she had said she would, and before she left she told me that she loved me and would miss me and wished that we could be together. Again, reassuring that I am the one she wants.
Well, she accidently left her cell phone in my jacket pocket while we were out. When I got home I noticed it. As you know from previous posts I've had some suspicions and have looked in the phone. So, while I was driving this morning to return the phone I confess I took a quick look.
On Friday I found four text messages from her ex-boyfriend on what I refer to as the "bat phone" between 2 and 3:30 pm. First one said, "How are you?" Second one said, "Are you working?" Third one said "Have you been going out?" and fourth and final one from him said, "Have you been dating?" When I went to the sent messages to see her replies I found that she had deleted her entire sent box.
There was a call from her to him at 4pm on Friday. Can't tell if it connected.
Sorry to be so long, but there is more. She got a little drunk back in July and let it slip that her ex-bf had been in contact with her and that he broke up with his current GF. Then In August and September I found the texts and calls previously talked about in other posts. Now in October there are these. Clearly up until now she hasn't told her ex-bf that she was dating someone exclusively (her words from a conversation a week or two ago as you know.) His last question tells me that for the past two months whenever they talk I never came up in the conversation or texts. Now I have no idea what her answer to the question was but it looks to me based on her deletions that I was not mentioned as exclusive or maybe not at all.
So, I have to say, that when you all said previously that maybe she was just being nice to an ex who would not go away, and that she probably told him she was dating but he just wouldn't take no for an answer, I now know that she never told him about me nor was just being polite. Her telling me the issue was the kids I now question. But she says she doesn't want any space and that she "loves me to death" and "I am a very good man who understands and cares for her so deeply".
UUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Oh, and today she texted me and said that she feels she was blessed by God to have met me and that she really loves me.
What do you think now ladies?
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Zen
I don't know what to say. In my mind that is a lot of drama for one budding relationship and it went from bad to ugly with the phone thing and those messages. She is so soon out of her divorce and the kids are still in a major upset with their lives especially with a DRUG issue and being teenagers and more turbulent years looming ahead and it seems that she should be more focused on getting all of that back in order rather than dating and creating more muck. And if she has been divorced for not that long what is she doing with the whole ex bf thing? If I was dating a guy with all of those problems, I don't think I would stay dating him because it would all ultimately be about him and his drama instead of us and our relationship.
I don't know - maybe we should see what the others say and you should sleep on this and perhaps get to the bottom of what that guy means to her?
Of course she is nice and sweet because she probably craves the attention after so many years of a bad marriage?
Well, I agree that it is more drama than I would probably be willing to put up with. She wants to see you, she is too busy, she misses you, her kids don't want her to date... It all seems like she is too all over the place. I would not want to deal with that. I don't think any of it has to do with being too "newly divorced". She has been living on her own for 2 years. That is plenty of time to recover and get your barrings as a single mom.
I have to say that I usually disagree with this board and the over-whelming thoughts that you have to focus all your energy into your kids. I can't imagine becoming anything other than bitter if I had to live that way. Of course their welfare should come first but having a bitter and unhappy mom is certainly not going to be good for them. I think she does need to probably let some of the guilt from the divorce go and quit letting her kids use that to get everything they want. The oldest obviously needs some serious discipline and I'm sure he will go into "I hate you" mode instantly but she needs to take a hard line on the drugs. I also think she needs to get her ex on board with it ASAP.
Good luck to you. I do agree that you should probably move on. You don't seem to trust her and I think that is a huge issue.
Priscilla
Soonee chiming in with Judy and I'm going to chime along with them.
There are people that have to have someone in their life no matter who it is. And the trust thing is HUGE. You're 10 months(?) into the relationship and your checking her cell phone. Suspicions are already there.
Priscilla, I would like to clarify that while I do think kids should come first - you do have to have a balance in your life of stuff that makes you happy, too. I have found that dating does not qualify as the only thing to make you happy - that you need activities and interests and friends first. All moms need to have some self-care and time for themselves for sure.
In this situation the mom needs to buckle down and provide a better environment and more attention to her son to get him the help he needs with the drugs. In my mind this means more love, more time, more attention and most importantly more activities he is interested in to keep him away from a bad crowd and boost his self esteem. It will require a gargantuan effort on her part, especially if she has to work to get his dad on board, too. In my mind it would have the status of "emergency emergency - kid problem alert - work on this NOW!"
But I really believe you have to have your life in order to date effectively. Get the situation with the exh and visitation and kids smooth. After that create a happy single life for yourself. Then it all comes together and you are in a good boat for having fun with dating and meeting the RIGHT person instead of starting the cycle of bad relationships all over again. Unfortunately most of us don't see this UNTIL we have had a few bumps and bruises along the way.
I really feel sorry for our OP Zen because he sounds like a great guy and did everything right and to the best of his ability. But she is all over the place and in my mind not a candidate for a wonderful rich fulfilling relationship that he and many of us are searching for. But that is okay - she is in a transitional stage and has to find herself. It is his decision to ride with that or leave it.
I don't think it's a focus ALL your energy into kids... it's more that when you're in a situation like this where the child is doing drugs, then you need to focus on them to help them get through it.
My clarification...
I
Zen,
I think it's time to let this one go.
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