Need Advice, Ladies only please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Need Advice, Ladies only please.
74
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 2:57pm

Current girlfriend has two children, one 11 and the other 16. We've been dating for about 10 months now, and I was introduced to the kids back in the end of June. I/we have been very sensitive to the children's feelings and needs, and I try not to be together with my lovely SO too much when the kids are around. She has shared custody, so the kids are with their dad half the week, her the other. I'm never with her when the kids are there with the exception of a couple of Saturday nights recently, where I took the whole bunch to dinner one of them and cooked dinner for them the other. ( I'm not counting the trip to the boardwalk they begged for and the trip to the concert where I got them backstage passes which they don't stop talking about, especially the 11 year old.) I don't stay overnight at all nor do I stay past 9:30 when the kids are there.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 11:44am

I do agree that this is not a good relationship and there are problems. I didn't probably come off as I intended with the dating thing. Whatever your activities are and how any single mom chooses to spend her time is unique. I think part of the difference is that when something isn't going well I hear (maybe not the intention) "you shouldn't date". I don't know how money problems or kid problems or whatever problems are going to be fixed by not dating. If you spend too much time on any one thing, that is a problem. Sometimes it is shopping, scrap booking, bingo (just making stuff up) but I think as long as your life is balanced and you make time for the kids I don't think dating is always the problem.

I have to admit that I have seen some women here just jump from one serious relationship to the next. Not the majority but there are some that fall over themselves for a man (one girl that just got separated and is moving to be with some guy) I do think that is a problem. I don't think that dating in and of it self is a problem. Even newly single people can date and have fun. I don't know that a relationship is good for a while and but some fun and meeting new people is always a good idea in my opinion. I don't think anyone should have a long term relationship without dating a few people first. It is good to see what is out there and going from a one R to the next is usually a bad idea. Being single can be fun but having someone to share stuff with is fun too. I also wouldn't let my kids jump up and down and tell me if I could or couldn't date anyone. If they were not kind to my children or mistreated them or me in anyway, that would be it. I just wouldn't be manipulated by it.

All that being said. I'm not exactly the poster child for single mom dating. I haven't been on a date in probably 6 months. Haven't been wanting to focus the energy on it or spend my resources on it. If someone falls in my lap, I will go out, but I haven't been looking for anyone. I have been very lonely but obviously not enough to do anything about it. I may go to a mixer tonight. Have to see how I feel after work. I'm not criticizing anyone's view point here. I just think mine is a little different.

I also know that I want a partner for my life. That isn't really true for everyone here. I do enjoy dating and having fun but want to meet "the one" eventually. I'm not in a rush but that is what I want. I would rather come home to a smile, hug and honey, I'll take care of dinner" than just about anything else. I will find that person but for now I'm just going along.

Priscilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 11:49am

I agree she shouldn't be in a relationship with this guy. She doesn't seem to have her head on straight or even know what she wants. I also agree that her kid needs something right now, some of which is "tough love". I don't think that my kid would be leaving the house if they were coming home stoned.

I think we said some of the same things just differently.

Priscilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 12:07pm

Your point of view is always interesting. I think most single parents sacrifice most if not all of their wants and even many of their needs to make sure their children are taken care of. My children have all of their needs met and many of their wants (soccer, gymnastics, birthday parties, many other things they don't need to live) and all of it is provided by me, their mom. My wants, well, a little more adult time would be good but I don't have the money for that right now because I'm meeting their wants.

I did not fight for and do not get any child support. My ex is supposed to pay for 1/2 of all their expenses (school trips, child care, extra curriculars etc.)he doesn't give a penny. I could probably get the money from him and I could really use it. It would make things much easier for me to meet everyone's needs and wants. I could take him to court or cause problems to get some money but I don't think he would spend any time with them if I did that. He only seems them 4 days a month as it is and they stay at his mother's house with him. They love him and since my children were adopted through the foster care system they don't need to have any more people disappear on them. I am doing what I think is best for them. Having a father in their lives rather than having extra money.

I am a little tired and looking for a job that pays better. I can't afford new clothes for myself and will have to make do so they can have things. I will mend what I have. I do I can't image that there is a single mom around that doesn't sacrifice. I don't really date but I don't really have time for much in the way of free time for myself and not a lot of money so just not really up there right now. I don't think I would turn down a date though just don't go looking for one. Although that may change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 12:09pm

I'm sorry to hear how things have been with you and your SO, Zen. I have to say it is nice to hear that us ladies are not the only ones who carefully evaluate relationships and are thoughtful about the other involved. You and Mark and a couple other men who post here are proof that thoughtful guys who are ready to step up and give their all in a relationship are out there.


IMO, one thing that remains when you boil down the issues you are dealing with is boundaries. You could talk for days about her needs, the needs of single mom's in general and the kids of single parents and the hectic lives we live. But don't forget that to be happy in a relationship and in order to be part of a happy duo, you have to have your limits and boundaries about how you will be treated, what you will not accept. As an individual, and a caring person, your feelings count as much as hers, and so when these issues come up that are unacceptable (the texts and calls w/exb) I feel you should set that boundary and know that you are respecting yourself by saying (to her or just to yourself) this is not OK with me and so I'm not going to let you walk over my feelings. I will walk away with my values in tact and kindly let her know she has the freedom she needs to get settled and figure out what she is looking for.


At that point she may very well come running to you, and her telling you she loves you I am sure is very real. It will be up to you to let her know that although you love her so, you can't live in a relationship with mistrust and the unknown factor of the ex.


You're very thoughtful and we can all see that you're a great guy. If SO needs to be alone, I feel certain that you will be OK and the right one for you is there, somewhere.


Best wishes,


~Pacific~

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 1:58pm

Oh dear Priscilla, you do have a heavy burden on your hands now. I wish there was a way for you to to get financial support because you guys clearly need it. Did you ever think of posting a new thread to ask everyone here about their experiences and advice with that? Because I bet if you did push for it you would be better off. I was just thinking that you cannot expect that just because you don't push him for it that he will always see the kids. But I don't want to butt into your business. Just hate to see you struggle so.

I think in time your patience will pay off and then your path will become easier. Hopefully your new job prospect comes in good - keep us posted about that.

A date every so often never hurts of course. But I think that most people start to like the other person a lot and it is very time and energy consuming and especially when it is the wrong person and they have a big crush or infatuation. And it is usually in a time like this poor lady's who has everything in her life upside down. I don't think we will ever have a worry like that with you!! We have to nudge you to take care of yourself!! Your kids will look back and admire you for all you do.

I do think we have to balance their wants with our needs. The choice of a lavish birthday party or a more budget party so you can afford some new clothes? I would vote the clothes. 7 nights in with them versus 5 or 6 with them and 1 or 2 for you? I would vote to get out one or two nights if you can. A happy mom is a good mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 2:32pm

There are no lavish birthday parties by any stretch of the imagination.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 4:14pm

Hats off to you, Priscilla.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 4:44pm
Wow - you are going strong with having your priorities in order. Thank goodness the debt will be paid off and there is light at the end of the tunnel with that. I am sorry your exh was such a louse but happy that you are on your own and guiding the ship very well. Okay - we are rooting for this second interview to go well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 7:41pm

Hi,


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 7:58pm

Everyone here has been super helpful. Lots of interesting thoughts.

Yes, its my roller coaster to ride right now. I appreciate all the kind words. Nice to hear them from all of you.

One thing I struggle with everyday is the fact that those of us in my age range all come with some baggage. Some come with more, some come with less. Its hard to say what baggage is "good" and what baggage is "bad", save the obvious ones of drug use or criminal activity by our SOs. Kids are baggage, usually neither good or bad, but they do create interesting situations that may or may not be worth dealing with as a SO. My SO has issues she needs to work through. Could ex-BF be a remnant from habits established during her marriage? Don't know. I know that I don't like the fact that she can't or hasn't at least told me that she has been in contact with him recently but I am at least consoled by the fact it seems that there haven't been any rendevoux yet.

Its hard to give some things up. Right now all of you are right in that no relationship is worth investing in if there is too much drama or trust issues. But then again this relationship is still less then a year old, and the opportunity to work through typical relationship issues haven't all arrived yet. Rest assured I'm not running out to marry or move in with her anytime in the near future.

I'm holding out hope for now that ex-bf is just a text message and occassional call phase, and that when he asked her if she was dating she said yes and happily.

Talk to ya'll later,

Zen

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