Need Advice, Ladies only please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Need Advice, Ladies only please.
74
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 2:57pm

Current girlfriend has two children, one 11 and the other 16. We've been dating for about 10 months now, and I was introduced to the kids back in the end of June. I/we have been very sensitive to the children's feelings and needs, and I try not to be together with my lovely SO too much when the kids are around. She has shared custody, so the kids are with their dad half the week, her the other. I'm never with her when the kids are there with the exception of a couple of Saturday nights recently, where I took the whole bunch to dinner one of them and cooked dinner for them the other. ( I'm not counting the trip to the boardwalk they begged for and the trip to the concert where I got them backstage passes which they don't stop talking about, especially the 11 year old.) I don't stay overnight at all nor do I stay past 9:30 when the kids are there.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 8:18pm

Zen,


What do you think about talking to her about the texts? Can you be open about it without her getting the feeling you are checking up on her? I ask because if you harbor mistrust it's gonna be hard....and you will beging to suspect things and question things and that might drive you nuts.


I admire you hang-in-there-ness. She is either lucky to have you and will be more upfront with you or she is not ready and will continue to be unclear. Talk to her and in an open communication, her true feelings will eventually surface.


Good luck!


~Pacific~

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 10:47pm

Begin to drive me nuts? Well beyond that my dear! LOL!

Can't bring up the texts until there is an opportunity to see her phone and she asks me to do something that would allow me to see them. Which is pretty much never. I keep dropping the hints, using his name at opportune times and while she immediately goes defensive she doesn't divulge. I know this weekend when I used his name in our conversation she immediately went from talking to almost mad. Like I was accusing her of something but in reality the conversation was about how long she had dated each guy, and she was the one who brought it up in the first place.

ex-BF has a pattern. Friday around lunch or just after he sends the first text, which is usually "Are you working?" followed by "How are you?" The first one shows me that HE is available. The second one is trying to keep her texting/talking. Most of his messages are within 1-3 pm. Since the past few Fridays she has had clients at the day spa, I know that she hasn't been with him. This past Friday, however, the times of his messages tell me that she was in touch with him when she was supposed to be working, but based on the times she couldn't have been.

I'm a big believer in the law of attraction, that you should focus on what you want because any focus on what you don't want will bring that to be. I DON'T want her to wind up with him in any way. Yet I can't stop thinking about the Friday texts.

Just tonight she stopped by to pick up her camera which she left at my place and I told her that I would be rehearsing tomorrow right after work with my band to prepare for her housewarming party in two weeks. I told her I'd be available after about 8. She quickly replied, "I'm sure I'll be busy sweetie. Don't worry." Typically she doesn't ever have evening clients on Wednesday. So, as you said, it will drive you nuts. Hmmmm....will she be with him tomorrow evening before I see her? Easy for me to go there, and for a minute I did.

I guess the fact that I have grown to really care for her is what makes me care about ex-bf. A couple of months ago I wouldn't have liked it but it was new enough to not obsess over another guy. I'm not insecure in me. I can have any woman I put my mind and efforts towards. I know that. I'm a great catch, and she should know it. But she talks about exclusivity then these "secret" messages. As a friend of mine said, "She wants YOU to be exclusive."

If any of the girls here have a way to get the texts into the picture without it being obvious that I've been checking her phone, let me know.

Back to my merlot...at least I can still have a glass and its all mine...

Zen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 11:58pm

Sorry to say this Zen, but I'd just have to be blunt about it. It's bothering you and that's not good for you or the relationship for that matter. If I remember correctly, the first instance of this texting she knew you looked at her phone. Start with that and maybe you won't have to tell her about the other times you looked without her knowledge. Whatever happens, happens.

Just my $.02

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 1:29am

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 5:42am

Yeah Soonee, 45 and counting! Just goes to show you what a great soap opera my love life must be! LOL!

Its 5:30 am, and I've been up since 4 am. Know why? SO texts me to tell me she can't sleep. "Can't sleep. Miss U. This Sucks." Nice sentiment to wake up to, eh?

One thing for sure is that this has been from the outset a very passionate relationship. Did I tell you all that at one point she threw lawn furniture at me? LOLOL! That is one of the great alluring parts of this roller coaster. We have a passion that I haven't experienced before, not in me, not in any of my friends or their relationships. Also, for some reason we seem to actually feel what the other is feeling, even over distance,Early on when we were dating I felt very off for a whole day. When we got together later that nite it happens that she was very sad about something her friends had said to her about me and she was full of anxiety. I felt it. Weird. Last week her ex-hubby called and yelled at her about the alimony and she got super upset. Around the time that happened I started to feel anxious and was that way the rest of the day until I saw her. I didn't know about their call/fight at the time. I had to go to Iraq back in March. When I got the call as you can expect my whole being was shaken. About an hour after I was told she called to ask if I was okay. She felt something was wrong on my end. Weird, huh?

I'm just at a crossroads, and I know it. There are tons of reasons to love her. One lingering but large suspicion. The holidays are coming and I have to make some choices. The relationship is still new overall but at 10 months its starting to get to the point where serious relationship committments usually have to start being addressed. Kind of the crap or get off the pot time, only still crapping and not yet ready to wipe.

Some have said that SO is the flame to my moth (no, she isn't, that is another young lady who fortunately has not contacted me in a while-we all have THAT person, don't we?) SO is
in my heart and head maybe the person I was meant to be with from the beginning. Its hard to take 95% amazing, subtract from it 5% lingering doubt and come up with zero.

On the side I have a band. Just to brag I was signed to a record label when I was younger.Since knowing SO I have written a ton of songs and have been motivated to give the music biz one last try. I haven't felt this alive since my 20's. I wrote a song for SO that only she has ever heard. She asked me to play it at her party for everyone. Every time I play it she cries. Now how does a man say no to that?

Oh well, I'm going to go get ready for work. Since I'm up guess I'll eat something too.

Love ya!

Zen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 8:18pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 9:52pm

Hi,


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 10:06pm

Okay now you

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 12:37pm

So Dancie, you have done similar? Why you naughty girl...LOL!


I think you hit the nail on the head. If she had at least told me that there was some contact I clearly wouldn't like it, probably would expose some insecurity but I wouldn't be as worried over it. If she is willing to tell me about it then it is a clear signal that I'm not doing "it" for her or that she loves me and I have nothing to worry about. Usually its the latter I believe.


Last nite I was delayed because of rehearsing my band for her party, and got to her house around 8. She was waiting with dinner, wine, candles and she was dressed, well, lets just say it was clear what was on her mind. We had an amazing night, period. And I'm not just talking about the sex thingie. She woke me up this morning and said the sweetest things and gave me a kiss and a hug like she hasn't ever before. I left thinking that maybe I've just been too suspicious and that I'm reading too much into things.


Well, before I left we decided that we would

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 8:15pm

Hi Zen,


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