Need Advice, Ladies only please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Need Advice, Ladies only please.
74
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 2:57pm

Current girlfriend has two children, one 11 and the other 16. We've been dating for about 10 months now, and I was introduced to the kids back in the end of June. I/we have been very sensitive to the children's feelings and needs, and I try not to be together with my lovely SO too much when the kids are around. She has shared custody, so the kids are with their dad half the week, her the other. I'm never with her when the kids are there with the exception of a couple of Saturday nights recently, where I took the whole bunch to dinner one of them and cooked dinner for them the other. ( I'm not counting the trip to the boardwalk they begged for and the trip to the concert where I got them backstage passes which they don't stop talking about, especially the 11 year old.) I don't stay overnight at all nor do I stay past 9:30 when the kids are there.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 5:54am

I think you are going too crazy with the text thing. If you let your imagination go wild, without real knowledge and only fear then you will fill up a boat with wild stories and suspicions that are not true.

I don't think she would ask you to stay at her house to do text messages. She probably really has something to do and is telling you that.

If she was "into this other guy" she would be MIA a lot and texting a lot and not that available to you.

I do think you should try to bring up this subject about her ex in the context of would she ever go back with him. An ex is always an ex for a reason. And take that answer at face value and do not allow yourself to look at the phone anymore. She is with you.

I do not think she would go back with him. My only concern would be the drama with the kids and the instability of life after divorce. As Soonee says, it is not easy or fun or pretty to do the work needed for a stable life after one. This does not mean that you would not work out - only that what is in front of you is a crapshoot - and you can choose to play or not play based on what you see.

You might ask for counseling together to help her deal with the kids and putting her life back in order. I realize that things are going temporarily well after this dinner - but it is only a matter of time before her kids get in trouble again and maybe that is the time to bring it up to help sort stuff out and get the answers and help that the kids need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 12:30pm

Well, you are all correct. I'm driving myself nuts. And feeling a little insecure. I'm flashing back to last Valentine's Day, our first together, where I invited her to my place for dinner. I did up my place with all the candles, a fire in the fireplace, took out the good china, et cetera. At the time we lived 4 blocks apart.


It happened to snow here, so I was let out of work early and her clients cancelled on her. So I started the dinner early. By the way, just to let you all know, I'm

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 12:36pm

Well, all I got to say is "You're sounding a little too good to be true!" LOL

She is a lucky person to have you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 2:00pm

wow Zen- that was quite a showing for a first Valentine's Day! And REALLY going out on a limb to do that much when you'd only been dating a month or so, and not really even sure where the relationship stood yet. Had I been her... I'd have liked the grand effort, but a bit freaked out by it as well- but that's me. I wouldn't have liked THAT much from a one-month-old date, because it would've been overwhelming. A one-year-old date (or longer), now that would be waaaay cool. :-)


But I think if you look at that story, and knowing that she was sad over her ex-bf all day instead of looking forward to her Valentine's date with you- just shows you how not-ready she was, to be moving on and dating!! It wasn't anything wrong on your part, but it's just that she really wasn't ready to move on yet!! And so today- I don't know if she is ready or not (my gut says she's still not) but you won't know unless you have a heart-to-heart with her. Unfortunately, she might not even be sure herself- if her emotions really do still have her waffling.


I just know that you are not her focus, whether it should be there or not... I just don't think it is simply there. And it's not fair to you, if she keeps you strung along when she is hanging on to chances of getting her ex-bf back. You deserve more than that; deserve better than that.


I also agree that as long as you have that nagging wonder there- if she is texting with her ex-bf or not.. that will do nothing but get in the way of your relationship with her. I know that for me- if I can't trust the man I'm with (whether it's founded on truth or not), then the relationship is toast anyway.


~shrimpy, who would LOVE a taste of a dessert like that right about now

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 5:53pm
OMG- can you make ME that dinner?



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 1:55pm

Okay ladies, I already kind of know what you will say, but I need to make sure I'm reading this the right way. Looks like I'll have to leave this relationship. But I don't want to close the door if there is a chance I should still try.

Here is her latest blog on her myspace site. She told me about the myspace page, but I don't think she thinks I go there. Or does she?

Undedited. She's not the best writer or speller.

"Torn between good and great
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Life

I have been away for several days now because I have not been ispired to write. I have now words to put on screen. My personal life and work life are in a big change. I had, what I thought was, it all figured out. But as it seems, I do not.

Life has taken me to a place I have never been. Too many options! My current career is not busy leaving me with no sales and only savings to live on. But I do not want to change careers now. I am really good at what I do and want to stay in this career because I have worked so hard at making my way. It seems as though something great is going to happen, but no signs of " it " yet. I feel like I should waite for work to come but intellectually know that I really should look for a different job that is more steady. I can do most anything because I have held many positions over the years, but, I am not sure I really want to. My horoscope says wait and make no changes. That's what I've been doing. Is it the right thing to do?

Personally. I person from my recent past is calling me asking alot of questions. I feel they are intruding on my life because we once had a very deep relationship that had to end. They were just no good for me. Not wanting to get back into it with them and having told them so makes them call me more and It is interfeering with my current relationship. I thought that would be that when I stopped talking and taking the calls. But now I am thinking of all the great times and miss their good parts. My head says, "You will only have a repeat of what it was last time" my heart says "We were perfect together". Not to mention that they make half a million a year and love to spend money! But.. Going back to them will ruin any chances with a great relationship I already have. But Oh the gains with the other person are high too. ???

Being mature is hard. We know what is right. We know if we cheat on our spouses or try to get ahead the bad way we lose everything all around. Taking the high road is never easy but feeling good about myself and looking at my face in the mirror with pride is always better than going for the gusto, or the better chance, that I think may be there. Think it through and look at REALITY. You will make the right choices every time."

So am I "good", or am I "great"? This morning she woke up at my place, got ready for work and left her dog with me till later. She said to the dog, "Your staying with your daddy while I'm at work. You're my furry baby and he is your new daddy." AAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

I'm hurting bad right now. I can't believe, after all the things we've done together, after all the things she's said, they are "perfect together." HE wins.

Now I know it wasn't the kids at all, it was exactly what I suspected. She won't shut the door, because she clearly hasn't told him she is dating. Looks like she only told him that she doesn't want to get back into that old relationship.

Last night another friend of hers, someone she had some match.com dates with and while she tells me she didn't I suspect they did date for a short while, well he called while we were together to tell her that he is DJing at a local bar on Wednesday nite and to come down and bring some friends. They talked for a couple of minutes, but we had to leave for our date. She says to him, "well, I've got to go get ready to go to a foundation dinner. Can't talk anymore now." She didn't say or wouldn't say "I'm with my boyfriend and we are about to go out. Can I call you later?" All the signs are becoming too clear.

Beat me up girls. I need you. I wish some of you lived closer. Alison, I'll make you that dinner anytime you want. Or maybe you would prefer some herb crusted chilean sea bass...

Zen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 2:33pm

I am so sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 5:07pm

I think she lacks good judgment, integrity and focus. Wishy washy IDIOT is what I would want to yell at her. If I was in a relationship with someone as good as you, there would be no discussion with any exbf. He would contact me once and I would set him straight and not take any more calls. And if my career was not going well I would fix it. And if my kid needed good attention I would be all over that.

It is going to hurt to break up. But you have to be with someone who has long term potential. The sooner you cut the cord the sooner you will get over her and find this. There are so many good women looking for what you have to offer who will not write BS on a myspace account or have a mess in their life like this. There are many who will make you feel number one and who will appreciate you and reciprocate. Find them!! Actually, find ONE of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 7:18pm

Hi Zen,

I’m late to this conversation but seeing as I have teenagers and an XBF between my current BF and my XH I guess my 2 cents might be useful.

My sons, particularly the older one, had issues with my dating when I first started dating. No, they didn’t turn to substance abuse, they simply told me. It was a tough conversation, but their reasons boiled down to a fear that they’d have to have some guy involved in everything we do and lose their one on one time with me. They also did not like that I was initially secretive about it, thinking that I’d just keep them out of that aspect of my life completely. Most importantly, they never said they expected me to be a nun til they left home. They like my current BF and have stated that he is a better example of how a man treats a woman than their father is. He doesn’t try to involve himself in their lives much and only gives advice when asked. One could say they have mutual respect for one another’s space. It is always a tricky situation when a single mom gets serious with someone she is dating, but I think you now realize that the woman you have been seeing is not handling that situation well. Her son has serious issues she needs to focus on NOW.

I also have an XBF who I was nuts about, but he is firmly in the past. Your drama queen has not only a divorce to get past but a failed rebound relationship to process as well. She needs to be past all that before involving you or anyone else in her life. My XBF has a son the same age as my daughter and I noticed he was enrolled at the same preschool (I have a 3yr old along with the teens!) in the same class. I was a little concerned about how it would be when we inevitably ran into each other. Luckily, his X put the kibosh on having their son in a school that was more convenient for Dad than for her so I don’t have to find out what would happen. But one thing is for sure, I’d have made it clear we are beyond any rekindling of whatever we had. We are not right for each other and it is my current BF that makes me realize that, because he is a gem.

My BF’s D12 does have issues with his dating, particularly with his having a serious GF. Those feelings are deliberately perpetuated by her mother. It is a complicated situation, but even though the kid has made it clear she doesn’t want Dad to date, Dad has made it clear it is NOT her choice. We keep our time separate from our kid time as much as possible. We co-ordinate our custody schedules as much as possible. But seeing as we’ve been together almost 1 1/2 years, she just has to cope with the occasional overlap of me being around when she is at her dad’s.

There are plenty of attractive, available, stable women out there. Don’t waste more time with someone who is not ready to be yours and yours alone.

QueenBun

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 8:36pm

We had it out. Didn't end either the fight or the relationship. She left because she had to pick up her kids.

She calls an hour later to let me know that She is angry with me because I ruined her evening. WHAT? I'm not looking for any apology myself, but this one just gets me.

She believes that she didn't do anything wrong, and that I am unjustified to have any of the feelings I've had after reading the blog. I don't care about wrong or right here. She wasn't wrong to write anything she did. I'm not wrong for reading it and reading a little into it given recent history. She is treating me like I am the one who caused all of this. I informed her that I read her blog and told her that I was very hurt and angry. SHE wrote the blog, not me. My prayer was answered, I didn't have to bring up any of the snooping. But now I know I had something to worry about..

Its been 8 years since I had someone close to share the holidays with. (LOng, long story). I thought that after all the match.com crap, all the "Hey, I have a single friend" stuff, that I was finally going to have someone to care about me and want to enjoy being with me.

Yes there are a lot of single women out there looking. But finding them is another story...

Zen

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