Need Advice, Ladies only please.
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| Wed, 10-17-2007 - 2:57pm |
Current girlfriend has two children, one 11 and the other 16. We've been dating for about 10 months now, and I was introduced to the kids back in the end of June. I/we have been very sensitive to the children's feelings and needs, and I try not to be together with my lovely SO too much when the kids are around. She has shared custody, so the kids are with their dad half the week, her the other. I'm never with her when the kids are there with the exception of a couple of Saturday nights recently, where I took the whole bunch to dinner one of them and cooked dinner for them the other. ( I'm not counting the trip to the boardwalk they begged for and the trip to the concert where I got them backstage passes which they don't stop talking about, especially the 11 year old.) I don't stay overnight at all nor do I stay past 9:30 when the kids are there.

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Sorry to hear you are upset. But now you have your answer and are no longer in the "this relationship is not going the right way or is making me miserable boat.
The holidays are much more than just having someone in your life to spend them with. Don't forget you still have yourself, your friends, your co-workers, your neighbors and your family.
They say every upset gets us one more step closer to the right person - so hopefully the next one will be so awesome that this one will pale in comparison.
It really sounds to me like this one is a stinky fish who does not have her life together and who does not realize her own actions and how they make someone else feel. I think her attitude stinks!
She is angry because you ruined her evening?
Am chiming in here with Soonee....you ruined her evening? Holy crap!
I have spent the last 6 years worth of holidays and hand no one hanging on my arm but instead was around people who truly care and love me...my friends and family, which was a lot better than feeling like I had to put on a false front like I used to have to do.
I truly am sorry that you had to end it. It always hurts, you always wonder about the things that could have been, but I think deep down you know you did right for yourself. We all want that dream relationship and some of the ladies here have found that and I know you will too.
I've spent that past seven years with friends. Its not the same, especially when they have kids of their own. I love my friends to death, but want to wake up Christmas morning with someone in my bed, not having to shower and drive to get a good morning.
I'm killing myself. Pleas ladies, tell me why she can't understand why what I read hurt me deeply. She now knows that I feel super hurt and why.
Uggghhh!\
"Please ladies, tell me why she can't understand why what I read hurt me deeply. She now knows that I feel super hurt and why."
You hurt deeply because you are not the priority in her life the way she is in yours. This is called unrequited love and is the most painful of all. She cannot understand because right now it is all about her and she doesn't sound to be the focussed type of person who makes good decisions and gets her stuff together in her life and she is not that into you - she is reveling in the past of her bf and feels he is the one. She has not cleaned up the mess of her divorce with her kid who is on drugs. She is NOT capable of giving you what you want and deserve.
And you are not alone. ALL of us on this board have experienced the bewilderment of WHY. Our own CL Alison wants to know why the drunken father of her son cannot stop drinking so he can get a decent job and be a good dad. She is not even asking why he could not love her anymore because she doesn't love him anymore. I used to ask WHY my exh could not see my strengths as wonderful attributes and love me and put me first ahead of his controlling hateful mother and see our family as his family. And Soonee would want to know WHY her exh was so mean and could not control his anger and WHY he didn't choose to spend ample time with their kids. And QB wants to know WHY her exh wants to be so narcisstic and an alcohol abuser and make her life a living mess even after he is with the woman he had the affair with and their marriage is over due to HIS actions. And rlch wants to know WHY her exh wants to be abusive to his own daughter to get back at her. I could go on and on with everyone here (and sorry if I left someone out - please feel free to chime in if I did).
IT doesn't matter WHY - it only matters that they are NOT doing it and are NOT capable of it. A relationship requires the equal dance of TWO. And you have NO CONTROL over your partner or what they do or how they feel. It is either there or it is not. It is a yes or no answer. Not something we plead with to change. WHY is not relevant. and the answer to WHY doesn't change this.
You have to try to see the reality and move on. You can do this sooner or later but at some point you will have to do it - the longer you wait the worse it gets and the longer it takes to find the right person. The holidays have no bearing on that. And we all want someone warm and cozy to wake up with. I have not had that in over 7 years so I know it all too well. Although I have dated in this time, I have not had someone at Xmas or NY Eve either, it was just a timing thing I guess.
But I do get up alone and am grateful for what I do have. I have a house to wake up in and many blessings. And I am closer now than ever before to knowing how to SEE if a potential suitor is MrRight for me. I just have to find him. And I am doing all I can to make that easy for him. If I have not found him on the holidays it is okay because Xmas and NY are just one day. You can do the same.
Hi,
Why did it hurt so deeply?
Hey,
Can't a guy pout and moan over this for a little while? LOL.
Whenever she gets caught in a lie or like the current' situation she immediately goes to the phrase, "I shouldn't be questioned." She forgets that her history is that she cheated on her husband, apparently cheated on at least one of her boyfriends and that she does things to cause her hurt. She just doesn't want to deal with anything and wants the guy to just suck it up.
In another conversation last nite she kept telling me the blog was fictitious. So I decided to go through it logically with her:
Zen: The blog says your ex-bf has been contacting you. Has he?
A: Yes.
Zen: Then that part is true, right?
A: Yes.
Zen: Your ex to your knowledge makes half a million a year?
A: Yes.
Zen: Then that part is true, right?
A: Yes
Zen: You are worried about money, aren't you?
A: Yes, you know that.
Zen: Then that part of the blog is true to, isn't it?
A: Yes.
Zen: We've had the conversation many times about you loving your career but needing a more steady paycheck. So isn't that part of the blog true?
A: Yes.
Zen: So then how can you say the blog is totally fictitious? And if all those parts are true, why shouldn't I then surmise that the parts about you thinking about ex-bf are true?
A: Its only a blog.
During round one of our fight I asked her to have some trusted friends read the blog and tell her how they would have felt if they were me reading it. She told me that she had one friend read it and her friend said that there was nothing there. I'm pretty sure the friend she chose is the one who always tells her what she wants to hear. But I figured I'd dig a little deeper:
Zen: You told her everything about the past two weeks, right?
A: Yes. Everything.
ZenZ: Did you tell her how you have had hesitation and told me that maybe we were moving too fast?
A: Yes, she knows that.
Zen: Did you tell her that twice in the past two weeks you told me "I think you love me more then I love you?"
A: No.
Zen: Did you tell her that you told me last week "I tell you everything, well, almost everything. I can't tell you somethings."
A: No.
Zen: Did you tell her how you were telling me about a 26 year old guy who you had the chance to sleep with and now think out loud that you should have when you had the chance?
A: No.
Zen: Did you tell her anything? Did you tell her how in three months of contact with your ex-bf you didn't tell him you were dating until last week? And did you tell her that I didn't know about the contacts? (SO still doesn't know that I know all of that. It helped me yesterday for sure.)
A: No.
Zen: So how would you expect her to know where my head would be coming from? And I know you didn't just say "read this" and then ask her questions. She is your best friend and always tells you what you want to hear. Maybe you should ask some friends who aren't that close. Like X, who has always given you good advice, even when you didn't want to take it.
A: Why should I do that?
Zen: Because that might give you a different outlook then what you want to have. And because that would make me feel like you really want to work this issue through with me.
A: No, I'm not going to do that because I would be embarrassed.
Zen: Really? Embarrased by a fictitious blog you wrote and is public for everyone to see?
A: (Silence)
As for the holidays, its not that I MUST be with someone. I know you all understand that. I am hurt because I felt that finally things were moving well and that I had the possibility of a real loving holiday season for the first time in eight years. The seven last years of my marriage were miserable, and since I was doing everything, working, cooking, cleaning, shopping, fixing, running errands, et cet (and had no kids) I didn't have time to decorate. She never did it. I would go to friends and family on the holidays alone. My home was so barren of everything, including love.
I am not materialistic at all. My best Christmas present would be someone sitting next to me on my couch watching a fire with some music in the background. And then her turning to me, giving me a hug and a smile and saying, "Merry Christmas. I love you."
I tell my friends alot its not about being alone. I've been alone for years. Its being lonely, and that is sooo much different.
Zen
Zen, of course you can pout and moan!
Yes, I have had lingering doubts all along in my relationship because of her history, but always tried to focus on the good. No one ever gets fixed completely, but sometimes you find a different person underneath and its worth giving that person time to come out.
I am still amazed that she can't see why I would be hurt by what she wrote. I know she's in denial driven by the exposure. All of the discussions and fighting tell me it is, was, and always will be about her. If she doesn't get her way she will cry and fight. If she can't have something her way, it will be someone else's fault.
I haven't broken this off yet, but the more I write about it the more I come closer to doing it. I know that I can move forward with the relationship, because I've always had my doubts and now I know that they aren't unfounded. I can keep tabs on things and if I see any sign I can punt with a clear conscience. If she truly gets what I have said, things could be good.
But doesn't that just sound like a crappy relationship? Yep.
We have very expensive dinner plans with a group of people tonight. I'm obligated to go, not sure if she will. Guess that will tell me where its at.
Where are all these wonderful women? Come on ladies, help a guy out here! I'm not looking for a model or goddess (although that would be nice too) and have been looking to date in my age range (shocker for a man, eh? Not all of us want a twenty-something), and willing to date women with children. Just seems that criteria is a whole lot of women with big trust issues, excuses, and mental baggage from previous relationships that often never goes away or lightens.
Maybe the twenty-somethings are looking better already...(LOL!)
ZEN
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