Need Advice, Ladies only please.
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| Wed, 10-17-2007 - 2:57pm |
Current girlfriend has two children, one 11 and the other 16. We've been dating for about 10 months now, and I was introduced to the kids back in the end of June. I/we have been very sensitive to the children's feelings and needs, and I try not to be together with my lovely SO too much when the kids are around. She has shared custody, so the kids are with their dad half the week, her the other. I'm never with her when the kids are there with the exception of a couple of Saturday nights recently, where I took the whole bunch to dinner one of them and cooked dinner for them the other. ( I'm not counting the trip to the boardwalk they begged for and the trip to the concert where I got them backstage passes which they don't stop talking about, especially the 11 year old.) I don't stay overnight at all nor do I stay past 9:30 when the kids are there.

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I don't think I've responded to this thread, mostly because the other women were saying what I would have said.
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Hi Zen,
“I am still amazed that she can’t see why I would be hurt by what she wrote. I know she’s in denial driven by the exposure. All of the discussions and fighting tell me it is, was, and always will be about her. If she doesn’t get her way she will cry and fight. If she can’t have something her way, it will be someone else’s fault.”
The key to all this is in that paragraph. You can waste time wondering like I and my current BF did for way too long with our X’s. Or you can accept that this person is just flawed in ways you can’t live with. No one can be in a relationship with a narcissistic person and not feel a ton of pain. She is incapable of empathy. It is a very lonely experience living with someone like this. I really feel sorry for her kids.
When I finally got up the nerve to leave my XH, I figured I would spend the rest of my life alone. After all, what guy in his right mind would want to get involved with a woman in her mid 40’s who has 2 teenage sons, a toddler and a psycho X? I spent a year in counseling, went back to school and rekindled my relationships with friends. Then, for laughs I did the match.com thing. Met a lot of great guys, most didn’t want to get involved with someone who had a child as young as my daughter. Fine by me, I wasn’t looking for a relationship, just dating. I did meet someone who just knocked my socks off and we had a 3 month fling before that just fizzled because we just weren’t right for one another. Spent a couple weeks mourning that relationship, then back to just dating, no expectations. And out of the blue I meet a guy on the deck of the local pool where my kids swim. We had an instant connection, an instant mutual attraction. We’ve now been together a year and a half and it is so easy. Our X’s are constant sources of aggravation, but we weather that together and support one another with those trials. M screwed up last week and we had our first little dust up. The big deal there for me was that he didn’t blow off my feelings or blame me for feeling hurt. He APOLOGIZED, did something to make up for it, and continues to make sure I know how much he cares about me. I would do the same if I were to do something that hurt his feelings or set off some insecurity left over from his marriage. Isn’t that what you want?
She’s out there somewhere, Zen. Don’t settle for half a relationship, you deserve better. My advice is find out why you are attracted to this type of woman. Deliberately date women you don’t think are your type, but with no expectations that it will go anywhere. Have fun. From M’s perspective the key to finding me was to just take the risk to approach a woman he thought was out of his league. He figured at least he’d have a friend who could give him a woman’s perspective on the single parent thing. He was happy to find out I am 10 years older than he assumed so that bolstered his confidence in asking me out.
Anyone who throws anything at you is out of there, IMHO. Lawn furniture, really!
QueenBun
Paraphrasing: The longer you stay in an unhealthy relationship, the more baggage you collect that will make a healthy relationship
Like Zen, I usually want to be compassionate and dig out
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
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