need advice from those who've been there

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
need advice from those who've been there
6
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 8:27am

I originally posted this on the Divorce and Custody board, but just found this one, which seems like a better place!


I have 2 daughters, 6 and 13, and have been physically separated for 10 months. The kids have been aware of the decision to separate for almost 1.5 years. I have a long time friend who is also separated and with whom i would like to take things to the next level. My kids have also known him a very long time as my friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 9:27am
Hi there. Welcome to the board. I was lucky in that my divorce happened so early in my son's life I dont think he sees me as replacing his father with anyone. But I can see how if he had been a bit older he would have had these feelings. From everything I have learned on this board and through friends, you need to detach your feelings about what the ex thinks when he hears about you moving on. Of course the kids will inform him or someone will but this is inevitable and for me, kind of like ripping off a bandaid in that now it is DONE. Once he knows he knows, right? As for th kids and their feelings, the best you can do is reassure them as you have and expose them to the two of you on an occasional basis until they warm to the idea. It may take a while but they deserve some cushion time in this adjustment and patience really pays off in situations like these. Also in the meantime, I would schedule special separate time with each child just the two of you so you can talk to them about everything else and open up all lines of communications. Sometimes when I know my son is upset about something ( he is 10 btw) and doesnt want to talk about it, I will just take him out for the day and talk to him about everything else instead to keep communication strong between us and then he comes around on whatever the other thing is by the end of the week. I hope this helps! Stick around , I am sure there are going to be more responses today from others who have been in exactly your boat....
Lilypie - Personal picture
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 10:50am

There is the issue of neither of you are divorced and hence still married. I believe it does make a difference on many levels having the divorced papers signed and being emotionally as well as financially on your own for a while.

I know there is a big comfort (been there, done that) to have a relationship to go to once leaving a bad relationship.

I think in some ways being divorced may help your children with that transition for you to date.

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 11:09am

Welcome to the board Joan.

Take your time and it will all fall into place. While the kids have been aware of the divorce for over a year, it still hasn't happened yet. And coupled with the fact that their dad is NOT ok with you moving on, it's best to just keep it to yourself for now.

I would suggest a talk with your exh once you are divorced that your personal life is not his business to comment on- or to make your children feel they are in the middle of it. Then I would talk to both children and let them know that you'd prefer if they didn't talk about YOUR life with their dad.

Keep the communication open, but keep the potential bf out of it. Time is the only healer here.

The boy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 1:04pm

Hello Joan! Welcome to the board. We are happy you jumped in!


Yes, many of us have BTDT. These are tricky waters to navigate. It is the utmost important aspect of single parent dating... making the kids priority, considering their feelings, reassuring them, and yet balancing that with your own human needs for adult companionship and love. Its is not easy in most cases. But I can say that usually it is worked out..in time.


Although you personally feel totally detached from your kids dad, they probably are not through the process of acceptance. It has been 10 months but not final. And it might very well take your children a bit longer..especially your 13 y/o. Their resentment and fears are real. I would suggest taking this slow. For now, I would keep the outing (all of you together) to a minimum and explain to your friend/love interest that your kids need more time to adjust. Any man worth your time will accept and understand that.


And there is an unhealthy dynamic going on where your kids feel the need to tell their dad about the outings. Although it is their right to say what they want, it seems that drama is being stirred up perhaps because somehow under the surface your kids know what dads reaction will be. I would try to communicate with your kids that you are making the best decision, as an adult, for everyone.


Just go slow with this. If your friend is into this for the long haul he will be patient.


Good luck...and keep us posted!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 3:06pm

Thanks so much everyone! I would LOVE to tell the kids not to talk about my life with their dad, but in this case, when my friend and I took the kids out to eat, (actually, now that i remember back, it was at my 13 yr old's request, b/c she has always has a great time with him!) it obviously involved them and therefore they were telling their dad about THEIR life, which seems to me is something

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 3:31pm

Hey JJ - In my opinion I do not think you should ask your children to keep it on the QT.

Rosecolouredspecs