need advie re:BF's daughter
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| Sun, 12-07-2008 - 1:58pm |
Hi everyone. Need some advice/thoughts. Background: I've been dating a great guy for a year now. We live 90min from each other so usu get together once a week, sometimes twice. We spend every other weekend together b/c we don't have our kids...on the opposite weekends, we do have our kids so we either dont get toether, or we sometimes do something with our children. I have 3 boys (one in college, and 2 little guys)and he has a 13yr old daughter, we each get along fine with the other's kids, and the kids like each other. We have a wonderful relationship, are very much in love, and have spoken about living together at some point in the future.
OK so...very frequently when we try to make plans involving our kids, he changes or cancels them b/c his daughter has already made, or wants to make, plans with friends. She's 13, so of course she wants to be with her friends, and I do not want me and my boys to be forced upon her...but there's been several times lately when we've had definite plans together (set time, place, etc) and he's cancelled last minute, or kept me and my boys waiting at the designated spot, b/c she decided she'd rather do something else. I feel that it's getting to a point of her (and him, b/c he goes along with these last minute changes) being quite inconsiderate of me and my family. He mentioned in a phone conversation yesterday that he and his ex put their daughter first their entire marriage, and neglected the marriage itself (something we'd talked about before.) In the same conversation, I asked him to do something with us on New Years Eve and he said he'd have to check with his daughter, that she might have plans or not want to go unless she could bring a friend, etc...it's very important to me that we get together on NY. My boys and I have a very fun party that we go to every year and I really want him (and her) there. I would like for him to, for once, say to her "I have made plans for us for NY, I'm sorry if you have plans with your friends, but this is what we are doing." So far he seems incapable of putting the brakes on or telling her no and it's really starting to bug me. It's such a delicate business, dealing with conflicts involving your partner's parenting style...should I just suck it up, or do you think it'd be appropriate to say something??

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Yeah--I've been worrying lately that it is HER that rules the roost LOL. But the NY issue seems resolved and I did make it clear (nicely of course) that I have noticed how often our plans get changed, and that it might be unfair to me and my kids. And yes she prob. misses her alone time with her dad, she needed a lot of time to get used to the idea of me in the first place and we actually rescheduled that first meeting several times, postponed it at her request, and she did not meet me at all til her dad and I had been exclusively dating for 7 months...so I backed off from her bday party, didn't go, and Thanksgiving week she and her dad drove 8 hours just the two of them to visit his relatives for a few days so she did get that time with him.
If we lived closer it'd be way easier to accomodate her plans, without changing ours!! *sigh*
Unintentionally I think some parents tend to cater to thier kids in a divorce situation to releive not only guilt but to insure a happy time with thier kids when they only see them for short periods of time. And being an only child HELLO she can bank on that!!!! the short term is less stress at the time but the long term you end up with a spoiled bratt. I have seen with not just in divorce but a friend of mine who had ovarian cancer and fought for 5 years. Her daughters kinda run a muck but are good kids and now why they are still young are getting a grip so to speak. LOL Letting him know that you are not mad but sad and dissapointed when this happens and alsothat you look forward to seeing her as well. And something that I have learned...acknowledge her first when you see them...just a hi Kate if that was her name how are you how was school this week did youdo any test and hwo did you do then give your hun a hug. She may feel akward at first but she might get it that you really like her and care to see her just a much as her dad. And let your BF know this is what you want to try and for him to do this with your boys to.
Hello and Welcome, Dominga!
I have not read the other responses yet but I feel assured that you have gotten some great advice already. I'll chine in with my personal prospective and two cents.
I have an 11 y/o daughter and like your b/f, I too get caught up in her needs for socialization and trying to keep her happy with me all of the time. Its getting harder as she gets closer to the teens. On one hand I totally understand where your b/f is coming from. He wants to make sure she does not resent him and he wants to be a great parent for her. On the other hand if he gives in to her every whim it is spoiling her into thinking she runs the show all of the time.
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