need advie re:BF's daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
need advie re:BF's daughter
16
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 1:58pm

Hi everyone. Need some advice/thoughts. Background: I've been dating a great guy for a year now. We live 90min from each other so usu get together once a week, sometimes twice. We spend every other weekend together b/c we don't have our kids...on the opposite weekends, we do have our kids so we either dont get toether, or we sometimes do something with our children. I have 3 boys (one in college, and 2 little guys)and he has a 13yr old daughter, we each get along fine with the other's kids, and the kids like each other. We have a wonderful relationship, are very much in love, and have spoken about living together at some point in the future.

OK so...very frequently when we try to make plans involving our kids, he changes or cancels them b/c his daughter has already made, or wants to make, plans with friends. She's 13, so of course she wants to be with her friends, and I do not want me and my boys to be forced upon her...but there's been several times lately when we've had definite plans together (set time, place, etc) and he's cancelled last minute, or kept me and my boys waiting at the designated spot, b/c she decided she'd rather do something else. I feel that it's getting to a point of her (and him, b/c he goes along with these last minute changes) being quite inconsiderate of me and my family. He mentioned in a phone conversation yesterday that he and his ex put their daughter first their entire marriage, and neglected the marriage itself (something we'd talked about before.) In the same conversation, I asked him to do something with us on New Years Eve and he said he'd have to check with his daughter, that she might have plans or not want to go unless she could bring a friend, etc...it's very important to me that we get together on NY. My boys and I have a very fun party that we go to every year and I really want him (and her) there. I would like for him to, for once, say to her "I have made plans for us for NY, I'm sorry if you have plans with your friends, but this is what we are doing." So far he seems incapable of putting the brakes on or telling her no and it's really starting to bug me. It's such a delicate business, dealing with conflicts involving your partner's parenting style...should I just suck it up, or do you think it'd be appropriate to say something??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 10:39pm
Also--another poster said "Maybe the daughter is not really happy with the situation and he is afraid of what might happen if he pushes on her." This is partially true too, because a few months ago he invited me and my boys to his daughter's birthday party. This initally seemed OK with his daughter but then he got an irate phone call from his ex who said that the daughter was crying b/c she had wanted to have just her GFs and her dad at the party and wasn't comfortable with having me and my boys there. (His ex--who initiated the divorce--is frequently, and inappropriately IMHO, irate when she talks to him.)So I know that part of the dynamic there is that he's prob. afraid that if he makes plans with me and then the daughter decides she wants to do something with a friend and he tells her no, the ex will get involved and he'll get another irate phone call. So when he talked to his daughter about NYE, he said to her "if you have reservations about our plans, please tell me now, don't just say it's OK and then tell Mom later that you don't want to go." And she said she wanted to go. So I think all around there's progress being made towards better communication :)( BTW we ended up not going to the party.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 11:58pm
She cant spend the night at her friends house???? I know when people only have thier kids on weekends it makes it very hard and to have them spend the night at a friends house just so they can go out ...Guilt can really eat at them. Have him meet you there and if by chance he does cancel you arent waiting around somewhere to meet up. He needs to let his daughter know that these plans can not change just for her to go to a friends house and from now on if she feel like making plans they will have to be known in advance just as he is doing with her. Now sometimes there are exceptions but mostly on his and her part they need to be made in advance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Mon, 12-08-2008 - 12:19am
let me let you something...she is playing one parent against the other , in my oppinion. she is 13 and she is trying to controll with out her even knowing that that is what she is doing. She is 13 and no matter if she is happy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
Mon, 12-08-2008 - 12:56am

Yeah--I've been worrying lately that it is HER that rules the roost LOL. But the NY issue seems resolved and I did make it clear (nicely of course) that I have noticed how often our plans get changed, and that it might be unfair to me and my kids. And yes she prob. misses her alone time with her dad, she needed a lot of time to get used to the idea of me in the first place and we actually rescheduled that first meeting several times, postponed it at her request, and she did not meet me at all til her dad and I had been exclusively dating for 7 months...so I backed off from her bday party, didn't go, and Thanksgiving week she and her dad drove 8 hours just the two of them to visit his relatives for a few days so she did get that time with him.

If we lived closer it'd be way easier to accomodate her plans, without changing ours!! *sigh*

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Mon, 12-08-2008 - 9:51am

Unintentionally I think some parents tend to cater to thier kids in a divorce situation to releive not only guilt but to insure a happy time with thier kids when they only see them for short periods of time. And being an only child HELLO she can bank on that!!!! the short term is less stress at the time but the long term you end up with a spoiled bratt. I have seen with not just in divorce but a friend of mine who had ovarian cancer and fought for 5 years. Her daughters kinda run a muck but are good kids and now why they are still young are getting a grip so to speak. LOL Letting him know that you are not mad but sad and dissapointed when this happens and alsothat you look forward to seeing her as well. And something that I have learned...acknowledge her first when you see them...just a hi Kate if that was her name how are you how was school this week did youdo any test and hwo did you do then give your hun a hug. She may feel akward at first but she might get it that you really like her and care to see her just a much as her dad. And let your BF know this is what you want to try and for him to do this with your boys to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Mon, 12-08-2008 - 1:21pm

Hello and Welcome, Dominga!


I have not read the other responses yet but I feel assured that you have gotten some great advice already. I'll chine in with my personal prospective and two cents.


I have an 11 y/o daughter and like your b/f, I too get caught up in her needs for socialization and trying to keep her happy with me all of the time. Its getting harder as she gets closer to the teens. On one hand I totally understand where your b/f is coming from. He wants to make sure she does not resent him and he wants to be a great parent for her. On the other hand if he gives in to her every whim it is spoiling her into thinking she runs the show all of the time.

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