Need Clarification Sorry, it's so long

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Need Clarification Sorry, it's so long
15
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 6:23pm
Hi everyone...I'm new to this board, but after spending more than an hour reading your discussions/posts...you sound like a great bunch of people!

Here's my question for you all...

I met a man online last Mon....we talked for over an hour and a half and decided to meet for a drink...WATER (hehe..really...neither of us drink alcohol at all)

We met at a restaurant..ordered our bottled water...and a meal to share. The night flew by...the restaurant closed and we wound up the night at my house...I know! ... called me to say hi as soon as he got to work that morning.

We chatted on the phone several times over the next few days...he talked about how he didn't know where he was going to be n 2 years (job), that he had ben badly burned by his previous relationships, and that after his duaghters leave (he has them for summer) he's going back to school to finish his master's...and won't have time to brush his teeth...and yet...tells me that he's thinking about me, and initiates calls to talk for hours.

We agreed to meet again on Thurs....this time at his house...I was helping him to get things organized because he was driving to get his (3) daughters the following day...to have them for the entire summer...8 weeks. We worked well together, went for a long walk and continued to talk about our past ... when we got back.. we lay on the couch while watching TV...and occasionally kissed...nothing more...until I invited him back to my place...YES, I KNOW!...

He called me the night that he came back...although his daughters were still awake, and we chatted for over an hour...he im'd me the following night...although I then called him...because I like to hear his voice...we chatted for over an hour, although his youngest wasn't asleep yet, and he said that he needed to put her to bed...at the beginning of the conversation...

We have no chance to get together, as he works all day and then is with his daughters at night.

Am I looking for something that's not there...should I ask him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 7:23pm
I hate to be the forebearer of bad news, but this one sounds like a booty call to me. In my opinion and experience it all went way too fast too soon.

I don't want to make you feel bad because I know what it is like to have a guy show that much interest and to have that much chemistry. It is hard to resist until you have been burned a few times.

It sounds to me that he is indicating by his conversation that he does not have the time for a relationship. He also seems to have trouble setting boundaries as noted by the long phone calls when he is busy.

Now, just to give you a tiny bit of hope. MAYBE it could work if you back up a bit. Go back to having dates and going slow and getting to know one another - see where it goes. But no sex - meaning no going to his place or your place. Tell him you made a mistake and are not ready for that and want to back up.

You should not have to ask the question, "Am I looking for something that's not there...should I ask him?" AFTER the act - you should KNOW that before the act!!

In my experience, when a guy is interested in you with his top head and heart he goes very slow and cautious. But when he is interested in you with the lower head he goes fast and most of the time it is irreversable - meaning, you can't "switch" heads. PLUS a guy who wants someone for the long term wants someone he can trust - you cheapen yourself when you hop into the sack too fast.

I know that others on this board are going with the discussion of first date sex and there is very good insight here. If you have been friends for a while it could be okay.

I would always caution anyone about online dating because you tend to go too fast with the email and phone calls. That is just not normal. I am very iffy on the online thing after past experiences and would not do it again (see my "most horrible date awards" posted in another discussion in the "coffee house"

I do wish you well, though. Please keep us posted. I hope this helps.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 8:07pm

Hi


I have to say, not all guys think that a woman who sleeps with them on the first date is cheap or not trustworthy.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 8:12pm

Hi and welcome to the board!


I don't know if this has potential or not, I think it's way too early to tell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 8:54pm
Hi and welcome,

After reading what you wrote, I think it's a guy that likes you. I think he probably went very quickly knowing he would have his girls for the 8 weeks during the summer and maybe you'd stick around. I think he likes you and that it could potentially work. This might have been the wrong time for him to start something but I would see where this leads. Don't give up! Take it one day at a time and slow. You will know soon enough if it was a bootty call or not.

BTW...I met my future husband through an online dating service. Not all men are out for one thing on there. There are plenty of men who are looking for the same thing you are, you just have to be careful. I had a game plan every time I met someone on line, I would email for a while, then talk on the phone for a while, then I would met them during the day for lunch. Then again my STBH I broke some of the rules with, I met him at night, I kiss him right away (he was adorable I couldn't resist) but I didn't sleep with him that night, but I did maybe 5 weeks after meeting him. I think if I had slept with him that night we'd still be together, we have talked about that and he says the same thing. There was just something that we like about one another... You just never know....

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Lori

Lori
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 4:30am
Hi Jennifer (I am assuming here)LOL,

I would definitly not generalize about the whole one night stand thing. My sister and her husband are the most in love happiest couple you've ever seen and they were a one night stand; married, with 3 boys, going on 15 yrs now.

What I will say, is: Though I have totally been in the position that you are now; really liking this guy, I am going to say (which I myself hate to hear) that it is a bit to soon to tell. Tara was right about waiting it out to find out exactly how much interest is their. Let him call and contact you. If he does and your not available, then call him back. It seems you both feel comfortable with one another, so I think that it's perfectly normal to want to be with him sexually, but I would just make sure that it wasn't only that. That you continue to date, communicate (per phone and email) and not just land in bed together. Easier said than done. LOL

As for the online dating thing. I've been on it for years and have had some pretty awful experiences, but I didn't give up. The guy I am currently dating is from an online Ad and though he isn't perfect, he's a good man. I wouldn't generalize that all online men are out for one thing or all alike. I just know that if this relationship doesn't work out for me, then I probably will vouge to stay away from internet all together. It was fine, but just not exactly what I wanted in getting to know someone. I often felt that I spent to much of my time getting to know someone per email and phone, that when I met them in person, it was a drag and I wasn't interested in anything further. I know plenty of people that have done it and have succeeded in meeting a great person, as well as plenty that have had nightmare experiences. I have had both.

So, just sit back, relax and see what happens. If you really want to know what he thinks though. Just casually ask him if he would have anything against you dating other people, or if you should consider that you both are now seeing one another. That is how I have always handeled the situation and it works great. This way he has to be honest and it won't come to a suprise when you tell him some one has asked you out and you wanted to know where you stand with him. It might be a white lie, or maybe not (depends if someone else has shown interest in you), but it'll get you an answer. Hopefully, a good one.

Good luck,

Catherine
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 5:20am
"I would definitly not generalize about the whole one night stand thing. My sister and her husband are the most in love happiest couple you've ever seen and they were a one night stand; married, with 3 boys, going on 15 yrs now."

The key to this statement is "15 years now" - this means that was 15 years ago; dating was much different then that what it was today.

I realize that I must sound very inflexible with my approach, but I have watched too many of my friends with bad experiences from one night stands and have experienced this myself over the past few years while dating.

Further, I have a few model friends who have what I deem "near-perfect" marriages. By this I mean they have been together for more than 10 years and are still very happy and treated very well. They would also tell you the same thing I wrote. This is my goal to be married in a happy relationship.

I do think a one night stand COULD lead to a relationship but I also think it is a risky thing. The boards here are full of one night stand stories where the girl ends up with her heart broken because she had a one night stand and then the guy is not monogamous or does not treat her well - check out the Shoshanna board and you will see what I mean. And when you have a child to consider in this day of HIV/AIDS it can be very scary. I believe I am worth waiting for PLUS I want to really get to know a guy to see if he is right for me and I feel that sex clouds my judgement. I have had success with that approach in my past few relationships.

Do you remember the funny show from Seinfeld? Elaine would make sure they were "sponge-worthy" because she only had a few sponges!!

I do agree with this post that you should wait and see how it goes. But you should not call or chase him.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 5:36am
What is the difference between now and 15yrs ago? Except, in my opinion, a one night stand 15yrs ago was much more unheard of as it is now. My sister was just an example, whereas, I know other people that have had one-nighters and it worked for them. Again, others, it didn't. I don't think you can generalize either way, but I do find it was much less acceptable 15yrs ago, then it is today. It takes two and you are set up to get hurt this way or that. Just because you wait sexually, to get to know a person, it doesn't particularly ring true that you will really know them. I've dated men and made them wait for months and wasn't emotionally attached to them. They loved the chase; they would tell me how much they loved me, wanted to move in, marry, family, until they got me to feel the same way and believe in them, then once they felt they had me emotionally, they took off. You get creeps of all sorts. You can't live life in fear. A womans intuition is usually right. If she feels it's right for her, then it is. Do what is right for you, don't think to emotionally and not what is right for him. This way you will be ok no matter which way it turns out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 10:06am
"What is the difference between now and 15yrs ago? Except, in my opinion, a one night stand 15yrs ago was much more unheard of as it is now."

I feel that casual sex was not nearly so common back when I was dating as it is now. There are guys who are looking for casual sex who don't want any ties much more now than before. I feel you have to clarify intentions and expectations. I also know myself that I cannot have casual sex - it is very emotional for me and I have found most women agree on this - although some do not.

With the advent of HIV/AIDS and herpes I don't want to take a gamble - he at least has to prove his behavior and worth before I will take on such a risk.

"Do what is right for you." - Yes - this is very good advice. Not everyone is looking for the marriage thing and if they want a little fling that is okay, too.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 10:22am
Basically, all I wanted to say is, you can never say you are cheapening yourself. I don't consider it a huge difference if you dated the guy once or 4 weeks(usually if we were talking 1 date per week = 4 dates), either way it's very soon. Like it or not Sex in general has just become a part of the dating scene, not necessarily meaning a relationship will develop.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 10:33am
Well, condoms are always a good idea.

And I'm not going to spend a lot of time getting to know someone without knowing what they're like in bed. You can learn so much about someone that way. Whether they're selfish or generous, creative or boring, caring or rough. The mind might find a way to lie, but the body has a harder time being false. In the long run, if the sex ain't good, I'm outta there.

In the long run, you're perfectly entitled to your opinion and I'm perfectly entitled to mine. Nice, isn't it?

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