Need hugs, also could start off Wed Woes

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Need hugs, also could start off Wed Woes
5
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 1:19pm
It’s been a horrendous week so far and seems that it’s only getting worse and that the events of the week won’t get better anytime soon. Won’t go into a bunch of details but sil was diagnosed with a chronic condition with all sorts of ramifications and dh is not dealing with it well at all and is very scared for her. I’m worried too and depressed, and dh needs me to not be depressed because it’s making things worse for him. Then got some other news about some stuff going on with him and his work and some outside stuff, nothing to do with us per se but could definitely negatively affect our lives. So now, I’m even more worried and depressed. And I don’t know how to act to make dh feel better. He needs me to not be down because that makes him feel worse, but I don’t feel “up” and end up just looking like an insensitive jerk when I try to fake it because he is down. I just hate feeling like everything is falling apart when all of the contributing factors are stuff I have no control over.

Thanks for letting me spill. What’s bugging all of you this week?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 5:58pm
Hey, I know where you're coming from. So sorry to hear about your SIL. Hopefully she is receiving good care to help her deal with her condition.

It is really hard when you have several circumstances that are out of your control attacking you at the same time. You mentioned a couple of times that your DH needs you to be up and positive to help him through this... Some techniques I use when I am facing difficult circumstances such as the ones you've mentioned are to try to put things in perspective. I try to look at all the positive things that we have in our lives and be thankful for them. I try to realize that there is much worse that could happen, and with faith and patience, this too shall be overcome.

You have a beautiful, bright and well mannered daughter and a healthy happy marriage, that I know you are extremely proud of...these brings a positive perspective to your life. Use them to help you cope and be supportive. Being supportive doesn't have to be about saying the right thing, or having all the answers, it's about letting someone know that no matter what, you are there to lean on, and that you love them, and will help them in any way you can.

Also, remember that you can't control these things but you can control how you react to them. Keep telling yourself that, and keep remembering the positives.

hugs!

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 6:23pm

(((((Andrea)))))


I am so sorry you and your DH are feeling down and that his sister is ill. That's soooo difficult. I can't even imagine being in his shoes.


I have supported J through a long drawn out illness in his family that resulted in death. His Aunt, who was almost as close to him as his mom in some ways, passed away from very quickly progressing cancer. We were dating (close to engagement at the time) and he leaned HEAVILY on me. And he was like MG in needing me to be upbeat and help him and in general just be a bright spot in a very sad time. It feels very burdensome.


I know it's hard to be upbeat, when his sadness brings you down. I constantly fight that. In fact, I am in counseling/therapy (have another appointment in half an hour! I need to get going. ;) for that and several other things that are really (for me) part of a big yucky package of learned relationship skills called codependency.


One thing that I am working on (very difficult) is chaning my "self talk". SO, instead of dropping into depression because of circumstances or because someone else is depressed I say "I have a great life. I have a great husband. I do not need to allow such and such thing to ruin my day. It is not the end of the world. It is not my burden to carry. I can be joyful in spite of circumstances" and then I CHOOSE to be ok. It's a choice. I know it doesn't feel like it, but really it often (dare I say usually?) is.


I won't kid you. It's hard. And when you usually respond to others that way, it is VERY difficult to re-train.


Anyway, that's how I am working on handling things better.


Hang in there.

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 6:45pm
Thanks to both of you. One of the things that makes it a bit difficult, although I am trying, is that I've actually been asked to help with actively carrying some of the burden with sil which of course I'm happy to do, but makes me much more involved than I would be in just a support role.

The other thing that I struggle with in terms of acting normal, is that when I do make that choice to be as upbeat as possible, I end up sort of on the end of dh acting like "what's wrong with you, don't you recognize that I'm down." But we talked later this afternoon and both feel a bit better even though circumstances are relatively unchanged. It's just been one of those when it rains, it pours kind of weeks, ya know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 9:38pm
so sorry about your current woes...it is hard to put on a happy face for others when you're concerned or scared yourself. Remember that taking care of other people means to take care of yourself, too. So head to the gym, go for a walk, get your nails done...take some time to charge your own batteries so that you can be more present for what you have to do. I'll be thinking of you and yours.
Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 10:03am
Just a quick note to say thank you. Spirits are better for both of us today, news isn't different but I think we're settling into some of those realities. And thank you for the suggestions--I'm really bad about remembering that I can't be there for others if I don't take care of myself.