Need a kick in the pants
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 09-25-2004 - 9:18pm |
I don't often post, but do so enjoy the discussions on this board. I find everyone to be so helpful and supportive. I suppose I feel a little guilty, because I'm looking for a little support and I'm not sure if I deserve it.
Things are great - I know that. I have two beautiful kids, a great relationship with my ex, a great job that is challenging and pays the bills, a nanny who lives with us who makes my life run very smoothly and the best friends and family I could ask for. So why the unhappy face? I guess I'm just tired of relationships not working out. Since my marriage ended, I have had one serious relationship (5 mos.) and several dates. The serious relationship took a lot out of me, and even though I wanted to end it, I'm very sad it's over. The other guys I've dated have all turned out to be less than stellar, (lying, cheating, or with baggage that would make your knees buckle) and I'm feeling a little lonesome. I'm starting to doubt if I will ever be part of a couple again - and I quite liked that. Yes, I can do it on my own (and do it well!) but boy, it would feel good to lean on someone and know they can take it.
I realize that it takes time and I shouldn't rush it. I am enjoying this time with just my kids, and doing a lot of things just for me (exercise, bookclub, writing a novel, spending time with friends and family). So I guess I'm asking you to tell me to buck up and quit moping! :) I feel like I need a little kick in the pants.
(I'm not sure if this has anything to do with it, but my mother died in January and I'm still having a hard time getting over it. I miss her very much and I know that if she were here she would say just the right thing to make me see beyond these little frustrations.)
So, can any of you spare a little pity for a girl who has everything going for her and still feels annoyingly sorry for herself? ;)
Thanks.

Why would you feel like you don't deserve it?
Kim
I think you just have to resign yourself to the fact that there IS someone for you but it takes TIME to find them. And in the mean time you just have to keep going and working on other parts of your life. Be social, be out there. And it will happen. I know so so many women who feel this way - all ages - with and without kids.
Having lost your mom must be so hard. I don't know what that is like but I can see from a few of my friends that it is really difficult and the pain never goes away. You have been through a lot now having lost your mom and a marriage - both of those are major life stresses and losses. I have been divorced for 3 years and it still hits me from time to time about the loss of my marriage. I can't imagine having to deal with the loss of a mom, too.
Welcome to our board - I hope you post more. Tell us about your kids.
Edited 9/26/2004 6:43 pm ET ET by west1745
Your words were so kind - I got tears in my eyes. Yes, I miss my mom (just typing that made me tear up again!) and yes, I'm tired of dating dysfunctional men. It's a relief to know other people have endured the same thing and I'm not just a magnet for freaky people. :)
It's amazing how the words of strangers can be such a relief. Thank you.
BTW: I am writing a book of my dating experiences. I've been intending to write a novel for so long, and the wild and wooly dates I have had were the last push I needed to put pen to paper. Perhaps I will post some excerpts here for your feedback? I can't imagine a better audience. :)
And thank you for asking - my daughters are 3 and 6 and they are beautiful, kind, smart and hilarious. Which, if I remember correctly, is how I used to be before all this mess started!!!
Sharon
Well, I don't want to give you pity because I don't think you need it. But I will offer you hugs and understanding and empathy. You sound like a very sound individual and like you have a lot going for you. Pity is for those who are helpless and hapless, in my book. You don't sound like you're either one! ;)
Of course, it is natural to want that other piece of the equation. Who doesn't? And I definitely agree that your mom's passing, and I'm truly sorry for your loss, is a part of that. You have a big void in your life right now and that only adds to your longing for someone special, I'm sure.
Have heart that many women here thought they'd never find that special someone again, and they did. It isn't the easiest thing in the world but there is someone out there for you. Try to keep doing exactly what you're doing, friends, family, work, hobbies and keep living your life. That's the best way to ensure you'll be ready to make room in your life when Mr. Right for You comes knocking.
Hope you'll continue to post.
Hugs
Tara
When I was dating my ex-husband, my mother-in-law (his stepmother and an absolutely amazing Irish woman whom I still love dearly) gave me this piece of advice, "If you start by pushing a rock uphill, you'll always be pushing it uphill. It won't get any easier." Strange advice to a girl giddy in love with her stepson, I thought. It turns out she knew something I didn't. He was emotionally abusive, and no matter how much I loved him, he would never change. I finally (8 years later) figured it out and got out. With two little babies, much less esteem and sixty pounds heavier!
Well, he and I have figured out how to have a good relationship now, and we are co-parenting two beautiful girls. He got lucky, and found another wonderful woman with whom he is now living. I got lucky and lost the unhappy-weight and regained the self-esteem I had before I met him.
I tried dating and met an interesting, intelligent, kind, sexy and openminded man. I fell head over heels. But he was also manipulative and obsessive. As much as I cared for him, and as wonderful as he was in other ways, I remembered my mother-in-law's advice and broke it off with him. It hurt very much, he was devastated and I made the mistake of taking him back. I then found him on the internet soliciting for alternative (domination/submission) sex. That hurt a lot. I then dated some other men - some lied and were living with their parents, some lied and weren't over their exes, some lied and were gambling addicts who committed fraud and left their wives destitute AND lived with their parents.
So, here I am. Sad and disillusioned. But the one thing I'm not is sad, disillusioned and faced with the prospect of having to break it off with someone who I know is not right for me. I've done that already. The benefit to that is I have the time and energy to devote to myself and my children, without wasting it down the drain of a finite relationship.
If you know this relationship isn't working, I can tell you I understand. It is frightening in the extreme to leave the security of something for the uncertainty of the unknown. But don't let this guy win the jackpot. You deserve someone who gives to you every ounce of energy you give back.
I'll make you a deal: I won't get too downhearted about my situation, and you think objectively about yours. If you decide you're truly happy with this man, I would be thrilled for you. If you decide you're happier alone, I would be equally thrilled.
And so ends my unsolicited advice. :) Thank you for your words of support and big hugs to you.