Need a little encouragement

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Need a little encouragement
7
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 12:05pm

Hey All!

The last you heard from me I told you I was getting married next October and moving into my new apartment on November 1st!

Well... all is still going well and as planned... Tomorrow will mark exactly 1 year to the wedding... We are planning on October 13, 2007... So I'm getting excited... I've got the nuts and bolts done (ceremony and reception), as well as found my dress and bridesmaid dresses... So now I'm really just trying to relax and keep myself busy while my df is in Iraq...

Also, I'm just a little scared about moving into my new apartment... Mainly because this time around I have my son to be responsible for...(so I feel like I have less room to screw up...) The major problem with my plans is my mother's doubt in my ability to make it on my own. I know I'm a grown woman of 30 and I need to stand up to her... But she does such a good job of squashing my self-esteem and confidence (which is why I am moving out in the first place)...

My mother does all in her power to discourage me from going (which at this point is not an option given my history with her) and of course she is doing her usual threats, guilt-trips and negativeness... I was gone this weekend and she fell down the stairs and broke her ankle... so now she's adding the disability guilt too... I'll only be 5 miles away from her.... but it will be 5 miles of respect, freedom and not to mention peace and quiet!!! She's worse than the most difficult 2-year-old... fully complete with temper tantrums, short attention span, whining, attenting-seeking, repeating questions, nagging, and not to mention MAJORLY needy!

I've set up a very strict budget for myself, and I'm hoping it will be good enough... I'm really excited about having my own space because I was not liking who I was becoming staying at my mom's... And I didn't like what my son was receiving... And honestly I was NOT saving any money there because I was acting out by spending money on stupid stuff and luxury items... Through it all, I was able to pay a lot of debt, but I'm still not debt free (I don't think most people are)... So this gives my mother her attempt to control me by making me feel like I'll never get out of debt unless I stay with her, and I'll never get better... That I'm making a huge mistake... etc...etc... That she won't bail me out this time...etc..etc..

I guess I just wanted to vent a little here on the board and hear some advice and/or encouragement that I can do it and I'll be fine on my own... My df is giving me a little extra money to help out with odds and ends... We are both paying off our major debt while he is away. We are both trying to save for the wedding and honeymoon so it wouldn't make much sense for him to pay a lot since it's all going in the same place. However, when he gets back in August... that will be a different story. I WILL ask him to help me pay for at least half of all apartment costs... which I don't see to be a problem AT ALL... Smile Thankfully...

Thanks for listening as always! :-)

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 12:19pm

Pooldiva, where there is a will, there is a way. I have a feeling that once you get into that apartment on your own, you will be so thrilled that you will do whatever it takes not to go back to your mom's house. I can tell by all of your posts that the freedom means a lot to you and that you are very capable of making responsible decisions for your son.

I am so thrilled, too, that you have met someone nice and have your wedding planned. It gives us all hope.

As we all know, unexpected little expenses come up from time to time - but that is what a budget and savings are all about. You only have to manage for a year. If you needed, you could always figure a way to make more money on the side - maybe with babysitting for someone, a part time job or some other service that uses your talent.

I think that this year on your own will better prepare you for marriage in many ways. First of all, it is going to make you more self reliant and responsible. And it is going to make you more mature to be a team player in a marriage. It is good to have the life experience of being on a tight budget and your own. Because we will all have that from time to time in our lives.

I remember that when I was pregnant I decided to quite my job and stay at home full time. My now exh (to whom I was married at the time) made a lot less money than me so we were giving up over half our income. I figured out a tight budget and stuck to it. We walked to the grocery store to save gas and I did a lot of stuff myself. I got a cheap hair cut. I bought clothes and toys used at garage sales. I did it! I also managed to finish growing my own company and it supports me today. Would not trade that experience for the world.

Budgeting and independence are good things. Put a deaf ear to your mom and keep on going to get out - you can do it!!

I am sure the others will chime in too - would love to hear their stories as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 2:49pm

Thank you so much for responding!! I guess I just needed to hear it again from you since you know a lot that has gone on with me...

Honestly, if I can be in that apartment with nothing else in it but my son and I... I will be one of the happiest people in the world for that moment to have my freedom back again! I know there is a lot worse out there, but I have reached my own personal limit and felt trapped in my own personal hell living at my mother's house... I've been counting down the days until the jail cell door opens... I can't even go to the bathroom or take more than one shower without her chiming in why I need to have a shower since I took one last night... etc...

I was clear at the beginning to always tell my son that this is Meme's house (she hated that, and wanted me to say it was our home.. which I refused to do)... But that's exactly how it is...it's HER HOUSE, HER STUFF, HER RULES... So, this has helped my son to know that this was temporary move... He is SO excited about our new home... I've shown it to him and we've gone to the playground to let him play there... He can't wait to go there either... He tries to get me to go in the car every night we've been at my mom's to go to our new home...

The last two months, he's been trying to hide from my mom every chance he gets... He still gives her hugs and kisses... But when she screams at him and tells him to get lost he runs to me and tells me that Meme scares him... He's always so proud when he runs away from her.. and hides from her... Yesterday he followed me in the bathroom and slammed the door... Then he locked the door and smiled up at me and said, "I lock it so Meme can't come inside... She no come here. She no get me."

Thank you for the comment about me finding someone nice... It took a lot of help with this board and individual counseling for me to break my old bad habits and mate selection process... It's still a growing process... but I'm getting there day by day... I just keep repeating to myself that I deserve to be happy...

I liked your suggestions for making some extra money.. I have a few ideas in mind... Also I believe you are right about me being on my own while my fiance is away... I can be my true self again and I won't be in "distress" all the time... He can do so much, but I know he feels powerless being so far away from us...

Your personal story of triumph was really incredible! Wow! That really made me wake up to focus my attention more on what's good right now... My son, my strength, my friends, my fiance... to concentrate on that... I've got 14 days left to go!!!

I will post again soon!

Hugs,

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 10:15pm

Diva,


You're doing so well and you'll be out of her hair in no time!!!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:17pm

It sounds like my own story with different characters. What your mom has to understand and accept is not only are you a fully grown adult, but so she. I stayed with my mom for 2 years to help her out financially and it put a huge strain on my relationship with her and her relationship with my daughter. In the end, you have to do what's right for you and your child. Nothing more and nothing less. Your mom will have to accept that you are ready to be on your own and get used to the fact that she will not have you to lean on. I think that's where the negative comments come from. Her fear of being alone and w/out someone to help her.

I moved out this past June 15th and my relationship with my mother has slowly bounced back to where it should be. Two independant family members there for each other without being THERE for each other.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 10:04am

Thank you Alison!

12 days to go!!! Yes, you are absolutely right... I have to do what I can to not ask her for ANYTHING!!! Once a month is a good idea... I'll wait until her ankle heals up... Right now the one night a week I shoot pool I have his babysitter covering...

I'm not sure, but she could possibly be manic depressive/ bi-polar... She also is EXACTLY borderline personality disorder... So I'm not sure if they have medication for that...

Yes, I have a few things planned for the wedding... I found my wedding dress! And this weekend I'm going with my really good girlfriends to try on their bridesmaid dresses... I have a good support group with a couple of army wives who their husbands are with my fiance... So we get together weekly to veg together and let our kids play together...

I'll keep you all posted... How are things going with you?

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 10:14am

Hi Jessica!

Thanks for posting!

You really hit the nail on the head by saying it actually is HER fear of being alone again... I know Alison and Cl-West have told me this a long time ago too... I didn't think about this before, but maybe she sees now that I can make it on my own fine without her... especially emotionally... So she's really doing all she can to discourage me for her selfish reasons... Money is helpful, but it's an easy way to help someone out... It takes more effort to really rely on someone emotionally... So the last control she has over me now is money-wise and now that is slowly going away... So she has no control left and it scares her... I cannot be her support system anymore... I've been there for her since I can remember (6-year-old) and all the things she was going through with my father... I'll still be there for her, but now I have an important "dependent" and that's my son... I don't want my son to have to be my support... I'm going to be the parent this time!

I used to believe the things she said about me... Some days I still do... But with the help of this board, my son, my friends, my fiance, my counselor I've been able to break away from the negativity one day at a time... Once I'm on my own it will get easier because I won't hear the tapes repeating their message over and over again... trying to brainwash me...

Congratulations on moving out this June 15th!!! Hooray!!!!!!!!!! I liked what you said about it being about two independent people who are there for each other but not THERE for each other...

Like Cl-West said in the first post, being on my own will really be a good thing to strenghten all my relationships...(no more late night calls to friends crying because of the way I'm allowing my mother to treat me). I won't be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire... Also this way I will view my future husband the way I have always viewed him... as a best friend, a respectful partner, and someone I love. If I continue to stay at my mother's my self-esteem will slowly wear down and I might try to blame my fiance and be resentful... Projecting on him that he left me with my crazy mother, took SO long to "rescue" me out of the witch's tower, and I would end up spending the next several months reliving and relaying all the bad experiences I had at my mother's house the year he was gone!!

NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to spare us ALL from that experience! haha It's my responsibility to take care of myself and my son... No one elses... So I am owning my problem and I am going to be PROACTIVE about it!!!!

Thanks for listening and telling me about your similar situation!

PoolDiva




Edited 10/19/2006 10:25 am ET by pooldiva
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 11:06am

PoolDiva,

From your last posting I can see that you'll do just fine. It's a good thing you're going to be on your own for a year before your fiance gets back. Going from living with one domineering person to living with another person without a breather can be a recipe for distaster. Take the next year to get yourself used to being dependant on only yourself. It'll be a good experience and put you in a good emotional state for when your fiance returns!

Good luck and keep us posted!