Need more time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2008
Need more time?
11
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 1:02pm

Hi all. This might be a more general dating situation, but since it involves a single mom I figured this was the right place. I need a woman's perspective on my situation (or more specifically, a single mom's). It's rather long, so please bear with me.


Backstory: 3 years ago. I was 27, she 29. Her girls were 12 and 2. We had met a year prior and had sporadic interaction (she was engaged). Now she was single and we started to talk more and go out now and then. She had been with him for 6 years, so she was in no rush to jump into anything. We kept things friendly. I still dated but didn't have much luck. She didn't date at all. This went on for 9 months or so. At this point she started sending me signals she was ready for more, but

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: james728
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 1:17pm
Hello and welcome to the board! Here is my opinion. This woman has more issues than Sport's Illustrated. She is using you. You are her fall back guy when things in her life are not going well. Find someone who is emotionally available and will truly appreciate you!
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: james728
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 1:19pm
Ummmmmmmm...........................Ok, you are probably in the "friend" comfort zone with her.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
In reply to: james728
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 1:19pm

Hello James,


Tahnks for stopping in and posting. I hope we can be of some help by giving you the signle mom's perspective.


I have to say however that your friend's behavior does not sound like it stems from her being a single mom...but rather just her personality. I don't see anything there at all that points to her actions having anything to do with her being a mom.


What I see is that she is FULL of mixed signals. That's not really fair to you.

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: james728
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 1:35pm

Yes, she does sound like she's all over the place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: james728
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 3:46pm

Good morning James, and welcome to the board.

No, I don't think she needs more time.

From the sound of her last two relationships, this woman works at an alarming speed- she was engaged to both, the second after only 7 months?

I think she likes your attention, but realizes at the last moment that you're "serious" about her, and so she puts the brakes on. She's using your affection/ attention to stroke her ego and reassure herself that she's "got it"- which is why she turns to you when she's done with the other guys... not because she wants you, but because she's feeding her ego.

And that is not because she's a single mom, that is just part of her. It's not a different ballgame when kids are involved, because most women don't involve their kids when they first begin to date.

At some point this woman put you in the friend zone. Either you accept that and be her friend with no other motives (ie you stick around and hope she changes her mind when she realizes what a great guy you are...) or you walk now.

"Admire what you DO have, and stop asking for what you don't." Ds-age 8


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: james728
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 5:29pm

Welcome!!

Looks like you have good advice so far. I think she is not that into you romantically and thinks of you as a friend. It is a bummer because you like her so much but that is the bottom line. I also think she has more red flags than a communist parade and so it is better if you just move on anyway - a blessing in disguise so to speak.

I think more time = more frustration. You sound like a nice guy - I hope you meet someone nice who will return your good thoughts and gestures and who is capable of a healthy relationship and has chemistry for you.

That silly chemistry - there is nothing you can do to change that she doesn't have it for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
In reply to: james728
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 10:52pm

Hi James and welcome. There are a few other male posters here so hopefully you'll feel at home.

Its tough when you are a single mom dating. Sometimes your head is back and forth. I often doubt myself and go back and forth from wanting to dedicate myself to the kids to wanting a man to date to wanting a steady boyfriend to wanting to be married again. It sounds like that is what she is doing with a little hurt from the divorce mixed in too. Quite often moms cycle through these stages. Then there are times when we want a relationship but our kids become challenging and we have to step back from our dating life and focus on the kids.

I am impressed that you backed off while she had too much to drink. You made a good decision there.

She sounds a little confused about what she wants and where her life is going. I think a good sober talk with her someday explaining your feelings and finding out what she wants out of the relationship is a good idea. Communication is the best thing. I wouldnt beat around the bush either. I would just come out with it. I have been in your shoes and learned the best way is to just talk about it.

Good luck and let us know how you fare.

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2008
In reply to: james728
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 1:10pm

This thread is 6 weeks old, and I disappeared afterward, but I appreciated all the feedback I got, and felt you all deserved an update.


In short, it's done. I never had any interaction with her all this time, other than a few missed calls/voicemails by both of us... most certainly due to

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: james728
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 1:35pm

Thanks for the update!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
In reply to: james728
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 6:00pm

James,


Sorry you had to go through it like this. It sucks to find out that your special person has moved on via the grapevine. My advice, if you want it, is to let her move on and do the same.

anonymous

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